Your Child: Today and Tomorrow Part 10

His strength is as the strength of ten, because his heart is pure.

The parents who wish to prepare themselves with a knowledge of what to tell their children in place of the old stork fable; of when to tell, instead of postponing to a dishonest "some other time"; and of _how_ to tell, instead of in the embarra.s.sing, half-expressed vagueness, would do well to read some of the abundant literature on this subject that has been issued in recent years just for our help: Some of the best t.i.tles are given below.

The following t.i.tles, with comments, are taken for the most part from "A Selected List of Books for Parents," issued by the Federation for Child Study:

BIOLOGY OF s.e.x. By T. W. Galloway. A concise and reliable statement of fundamental s.e.x facts.

GIRL AND WOMAN. By Caroline Latimer. Very helpful in understanding and dealing with the physical, mental and moral disturbances of girlhood and early womanhood. Some of the recommendations, particularly regarding physical aspects, are open to question.

MARRIAGE AND THE s.e.x PROBLEM. By F. W. Foerster. Emphasis is laid upon the religious and spiritual sides of the emotional life, upon training for self-control and the mastery of moods and instincts.

s.e.x. By Patrick Geddes and J. Arthur Thompson. The biological aspects of s.e.x and also interesting chapters on s.e.x education, the ethics of s.e.x, and s.e.x and society. Good bibliography.

s.e.x EDUCATION. By Maurice A. Bigelow. Covers the problems of s.e.x education and of criticisms of s.e.x education.

s.e.x EDUCATION. By Ira S. Wile, M.D. An excellent little volume for the purpose of a.s.sisting parents to banish the difficulties and to suggest a plan for developing a course in s.e.x education. The chapter on terminology is most helpful.

THE s.e.xUAL LIFE OF A CHILD. By Dr. Albert Moll. An exhaustive study of the origin and development in childhood and youth, of the acts and feelings due to s.e.x. Indispensable to anyone interested in s.e.x education.

THE s.e.xUAL QUESTION. By August Forel, M.D., Ph.D., LL.D. Translated from the German by C. F. MARSHALL, M.D., F.R.C.S. A comprehensive and reliable study of the subject from biological, historical, social and hygienic viewpoints.

TRAINING OF THE YOUNG IN LAWS OF s.e.x. By the Hon. E. Lyttelton. A brief presentation, from a lofty point of view of the many phases of the s.e.x problem as it confronts the boy.

The following books on s.e.x education were written for children. They are listed here, not to be put into the hands of the young, but as a help to parents in supplying methods of approach and a usable vocabulary:

THE RENEWAL OF LIFE. By Margaret W. Morley.

THE s.e.x SIDE OF LIFE. An Explanation for Young People. By Dr. Mary Ware Dennett (Pamphlet, published by the author, New York.)

THE SPARK OF LIFE. By Margaret W. Morley.

THE THREE GIFTS OF LIFE. By Nellie M. Smith, A.M.

Special studies in many parts of the country, especially during the war, have made it clear that girls in the adolescent stage are definitely aware of the need for clean and trustworthy instruction on matters pertaining to the relations between the s.e.xes, to the control of the emotions, to the care of the body during the menstrual period, and to other problems arising from the facts of s.e.x.

It is pathetic, is it not, to have a high-school girl write: "Some parents are ashamed to tell their girls everything, so that is why I think they should be told in school." Whose parents had she in mind?

Another writes: "There are many girls with no mother or very near female relation that can tell them all they need to know, and if anything should happen in a girl's life, she does not think it proper to speak to a male, even if it is her father." Are the girls who have mothers or "very near female relations" to be none the better, or happier for it?

I hope that mothers will not continue in the future, as most have done in the past, to hesitate about giving such information to their children. If you are perhaps tempted to feel that you would like to preserve the child's innocence as long as possible, you have but to realize that innocence is not the same as ignorance. We are apt to forget how young we ourselves were when we had obtained one way or another a large ma.s.s of information about reproduction, and even about s.e.x. The question is not whether a young child should have this information or not; the question is whether he shall have correct and pure information, or false and filthy information. For one or the other he is sure to get. True knowledge is the best mantle of innocence.

Much misery is caused, not only for girls, but also for boys, by the lapses from the path of virtue. If the young man who has gone astray is in a position to say, "Had I but heeded!" instead of saying, "Had I but known!" it will make a great difference in the way he will later feel toward the one person from whom he had a right to expect protecting knowledge. It is true enough that knowledge alone is not a sure protection against wrong-doing; but you can have no moral training without knowledge, and knowledge is the least you can give.

There is no reason why parents should think of enlightening their children on this subject as a disagreeable necessity, instead of as one of the important means through which to be of real help to their children, and at the same time to help themselves to retain their hold upon the children.

XIII.

THE GOLDEN AGE OF TRANSITION

There comes a time in the life of every boy and every girl that brings a maximum of trials and worry--to the other people. This time is the golden age of transition from childhood to manhood or womanhood, the age of adolescence. If you have had annoyance and hards.h.i.+p with your infants, if the children have perplexed you and tried you--as you thought, to the limit--you may be sure that there is more in store for you. For the age of adolescence brings with it problems and perplexities and annoyances that will make you forget that it's any trouble at all to look after younger children.

After years of painstaking attention to all the details of a child's home surroundings, in the hope that this attention will result in distinct gains to the child's character, it must be very discouraging to notice some fine day that Louise is becoming rather finicky about the food--which is just as good as she has always had--and that Arthur is inclined to become rather short in speaking to his mother--not to say impudent. And both are likely to become critical not only about the food but about a hundred other things that they find at home. And both are likely to be something not far from impudent in giving expression to their criticisms. In fact, they will be quite prepared to undertake the education of their parents, and to tell you with alarming a.s.surance just how and when to do things, both at home and abroad. Fortunate, indeed, are the parents who have come to this critical stage in their education equipped with a sense of humor.

However, these unexpected and mortifying outbreaks of inconsiderateness and bad manners do _not_ show that your early efforts have all been in vain. They do _not_ show that outside influences beyond your control have perverted your children, or have counteracted your efforts. They show merely that Louise and Arthur are still growing, and have now entered upon that most interesting and most significant period of the new birth.

It is well, first of all, for the mother--and the father, too--to realize that this period is a pa.s.sing one, for this knowledge can save you many a worried day and many a sleepless night. I do not mean that when the child comes to this dangerous age you are simply to let nature and impulse have their way. I mean only that the problems are to be met with many devices, but not with worry. For we are coming to understand some of the fundamental causes of the great changes that occur in the nature of the growing child at this time, and we are learning, accordingly, better ways of dealing with the troublesome manifestations of these changes. Not that we can lay down rules for the proper handling of all adolescents everywhere, for we can not. Every individual is a problem by himself; but we can learn a better way of approaching this precious problem, a more helpful att.i.tude to maintain toward him or her.

There is a physical basis for the remarkable alterations in the minds and morals of this age. The infant grows very rapidly at first, but with a diminis.h.i.+ng rate until about the twelfth year.

Then, almost suddenly, the rate of growth increases again, and in four or five years most children have attained nearly their full physical growth. a.s.sociated with this great physical growth is the fact that some organs grow much faster than others, so that the proportions of an adult come to be very different from those of a child. In the meanwhile, however, there has been a great strain on the system, because, apart from the demands of the general body growth, some of the organs have not been able to keep up with the special demands made upon them. For example, the growth in body weight and in muscle may proceed more rapidly than the proportionate growth of the lungs or the liver, or the weight may increase more rapidly than the proportionate strength of the muscles. Moreover, the nervous system is developing at a more rapid rate, probably, than the other systems of organs, and this strain shows itself in various ways that are disagreeable to adults with fixed habits and standards.

All of these changes are intimately bound up with the development of the s.e.x organs and with the approach of s.e.xual maturity.

A graceful child becomes awkward and a well-mannered child comes to act rudely and to speak quite unlike his former self. These changes are related to the fact that with the development of the nervous system there arise impulses for hundreds of new kinds of movements which the child can learn to suppress or to control only with the pa.s.sing of time. This is the age at which the child is exposed to the acquirement of many undesirable muscular habits, such as various kinds of fidgetings, biting of the finger-nails, twirling of b.u.t.tons, wrinkling of the forehead, shruggings, swaying the body, rolling the tongue, tapping with the fingers or the feet, and so on.

Nearly a thousand of these uncontrolled or "automatic" movements have been described in children of this age. Of course, any of these movements that produce sounds or that catch our eye are very annoying to us, and if we have never nagged before, we are likely to begin now by saying _Don't this_ and _Don't that_, for we have never been tempted like this before. But nagging is not what is called for.

Are we then to let them keep on annoying others, or are we to leave them to themselves to make permanent these awkward and disturbing and often hideous movements? We should do neither. We should remember that now of all times the boy or girl needs our friends.h.i.+p and our sympathy; we should let the young person feel that our objections are not based upon our momentary annoyance, but upon our concern for the kinds of habits he will acquire; and we should do what we can to help him break his habit, not insist that he break it for us. Moreover, it is not certain that all of these fidgetings and tappings should be suppressed upon their first appearance. Most of these automatic movements disappear of themselves as the child matures and learns to direct his nervous energy into channels that lead to useful actions, as he acquires skill and self-control through practice in gymnastics or with tools, or musical instruments or at some games. And while there should be every opportunity to play games and musical instruments and to handle tools, etc., we should not be discouraged if, after a whole day of hard exertion in work and play, there is still some energy left for drumming on the table or teasing sister or the cat, or for dancing a jig upstairs and rattling the lamp.

Closely connected with the rapid development of the nervous system is the fact of the increasing irritability of temper. This will show itself every day in a hundred ways. Of course, it is unreasonable, and, of course, the boy or girl is not to be allowed to become rude and impatient and domineering. But with this increasing irritability comes increasing sensitiveness, and it is very easy for you to make him realize that his conduct is not that becoming a gentleman, or that his manner has been offensive. He will not give you the satisfaction, very often, of letting you know that he fully appreciates your point of view; indeed, he will even make a show of disputing your position; he will try to argue out a justification for his conduct, or at least a mitigation. But he knows very well what his offense is, and is thoroughly ashamed of himself; but he has to save his face.

It may be helpful to mothers and fathers, and to others who have to do with girls and boys of this age, to know that what appears to us as impudence is very often but an expression of the child's awkward attempt to hide his discomfiture or embarra.s.sment. This is especially true in the early stages of adolescence. The boy or girl is becoming conscious of himself as a person, and resents being treated as a child; the only way he knows of a.s.serting his personality is by affecting an air of disdain toward those who presume to treat him as a child. This swagger is more likely to be put on when there is a third person present. It is therefore always safer to reserve your discussions and corrections to the time when you are alone with your girl or boy, and can place your conversation on an intimate basis.

Hand in hand with spells of most irritating self-a.s.sertiveness, the adolescent is subject to spells of most depressing humility and self-abnegation. Indeed, at every point this period is marked by the most violent contrasts and alterations of mood. Hours or days of seeming indifference to all interests and activities will be followed by keen excitement and enthusiasm. A fit of doubt in his own ability and worthiness will be followed by almost ludicrous self-confidence. A feverish desire for constant companions.h.i.+p will follow a dull and moody search for seclusion and solitude. In general it is perhaps wisest to ignore these changing moods, except where they find their outlet in offensive or vicious conduct. We must remember that it is just as trying to the young person as it is to the older ones; and, while we may not be prepared to yield our comfort and our standards to the whims of the girl or boy, we should seek for adjustment through sympathetic exchange of ideas and sentiments, and not through arbitrary rules. In any case, these changing moods need not in themselves be considered occasions for misgivings and worry about the future development, for they are part and parcel of the rapid changes in the nervous system.

So complex is the character of this stage that volumes have been written about it; it has been recorded in song and in literature, and has been celebrated in religious ceremonials from ancient times.

If, then, the mother finds it perplexing, and somewhat beyond her full comprehension, she certainly should not blame herself.

It has been said that the complexity of the individual during adolescence is due to the fact that at this time the brain and the whole body become at last awakened to their manifold capacities, and that the child now is not only capable of doing everything that a human being can do, but feels the impulse to do everything. But manifestly he cannot do all things at once; hence the rapid changes of impulse and mood. There is a sudden increase in emotions, without suitable habits for giving them an outlet. There is vague longing and formless yearning for the child knows not what. Much relief and satisfaction come from physical exertion, especially for boys. There is much satisfaction of the emotions from a.s.sociation with others; hence the growth of the gang and the feeling of kins.h.i.+p.

Adults, with their limited interests and their appreciation of the need for specialization in the practical pursuits of life, are often inclined to look with disfavor upon the growing girl's or boy's "dabbling" in a hundred different directions. Not content with athletics and hunting, the boy will want to collect stamps or birds'

eggs, to make a motor-boat and learn telegraphy; to take photographs and try his hand at the cornet; to experiment in chemistry and stuff an owl. Not content with dancing, sewing and cooking, the girl will want to master several poets and make attempts at painting; she will want to become more proficient at the piano and do some singing; she will want her share of photography and athletics, and would try her hand at writing a novel. All these things seem so distracting to us that we fear either that the young person will become a superficial dabbler or will fail to settle down to something serious. But much is to be said in favor of letting every girl and boy do as near to everything he or she wants to do as possible. Expertness can come later when a choice of a specialty has been made. Now is the time for touching life at as many points as possible, for acquiring breadth of outlook and range of sympathy and interest. Now especially is the time for trying out the individual's capacities-- which may lie quite beyond the range of the conventional pursuits of the family or the neighborhood. It is the time for self-discovery, and to this end every bit of help that can come from the home and from the church, from the school and from the community, from direct experience and from literature, should be utilized.

The danger of early specialization is shown to us when we contemplate men and women who have no interests beyond their rather narrow routine occupations, who have no sympathies beyond their rather narrow set of intimates, who have no appreciation of human character and human service beyond the small circle into which they settled in their teens, and from which they can by no possibility be drawn. It is because the formation of new habits becomes increasingly difficult after the sixteenth or seventeenth year that narrow prejudices and biased opinions should be avoided by partic.i.p.ation in the broadest variety of activities and a.s.sociations. Before the conflicting moods and tendencies are finally welded into a consistent whole the girl or boy should make a part of his personality as many sources of enthusiasm, as many kinds of interest, as many lines of sympathy as possible. In a few years the character begins to "set," and the _size_ of the character will be in large part determined by the number and variety of emotional, intellectual, sensory, and muscular elements that have been developed during this adolescent period.

One of the characteristics of this age is the tendency to hero wors.h.i.+p. It is so difficult to know in advance what types of heroes our children are going to select that we are inclined to feel quite helpless in the matter. But it is safe to say that earlier training is sure to have its effects, although we cannot always measure the effect. A boy in whom a keen sense of honor shows itself before adolescence is not likely to adopt a hero in whom there is a suspicion of anything sneaky. The new flood of emotions brings with it a host of new aspirations and new ideals; and some of these are likely enough to conflict with the older childish ideals. It is therefore of the utmost importance that the reading--which is perhaps the chief source of model heroes for most children--should be of a wholesome kind. This does not mean that the stories must be about paragons of virtue; the villains of fiction and history have their value in teaching life and character, and we need not fear that they will contaminate the minds of the young, for in most children the instincts may be relied upon to reject the allurement of the base character. But fiction that is false in its sentiment, that does not present truthful pictures of life, is likely to give perverted ideas of human relations and false standards of value.

City children who have access to the theatre often get their heroes from the stage; and the same thing may be said about the drama as about fiction. It is only the too highly colored and exaggerated melodrama that is likely to be objectionable for the impressionable youth. The moving-picture shows, which are coming to supply so many of the children with their chief opportunity to learn life, have been, on the whole, fairly wholesome; and the movement to secure more adequate censors.h.i.+p of the films will probably leave these sources of instruction perfectly safe, from a moral point of view, so far as concerns the knowledge of life that the adolescent gets.

The only real danger from the "movies" and the theatres is likely to be the cultivation of the habit of pa.s.sive entertainment.

And this suggests another source of puzzles of adolescence. In the alternating moods of excessive exertion and indolence there is the possibility of girls and boys learning the value of alternation of work and play and rest. But there is also the danger of acquiring the habit of resting all the time, and leaving not only the work for others, but also the activity of play. It is much better for children to rest because they are tired than because they are lazy.

And, while it is true that the instincts are all for activity, it is easy enough for the growing individual to acquire the habit of pa.s.sive absorption of whatever amus.e.m.e.nt is provided. It is better, then, for the young people to get their entertainment out of theatricals than out of the theatre, out of playing games than out of watching games, out of having adventures in the woods and in the water than out of reading about them. And, in every way, the most reliable safety-valve of the period is constant activity, as this is the best outlet for the many and conflicting emotions which are the source of the chief difficulties. When Arthur shows signs of getting restless it is a great comfort to be able to send him off on some errand, or to give him a definite task to do. But it is also a great service to the boy, for while he is at the work there is being used up the nervous energy that would otherwise appear at the surface as another "spell." And this principle is just as true for girls as it is for boys. Only you cannot send the girl to a piece of work requiring great bodily exertion--nor does she need this so much.

Work is not only a satisfactory safety-valve for the emotions in general, but it is especially valuable as a means of diverting the thoughts and feelings from the growing consciousness of s.e.x.

One of the reasons why it now becomes more difficult for even thoughtful and considerate parents to keep in close sympathy with the boy or girl is this outburst of new and varied interests, which clamor for movement and color and quick changes. The parent has in the course of years settled down to a relatively small group of activities and interests, most of which offer no appeal to the growing individual. For instance, you would like to come close to the thoughts and feelings of your growing son or daughter; you suggest that you take a walk together. Now, it is very nice for a middle-aged person to take a walk, alone or with a companion; but the girl or boy sees no sense in taking a walk unless you wish to get somewhere. The ordinary conversation and gossip that a girl is likely to hear when you take her to visit a friend is apt to be very stupid--to the girl. Even where the parents have watched the expanding soul closely on the one hand, and have kept themselves in touch with a variety of activities rich in human interests on the other, they often find that the intimacy with their children is for a time weakened, and fully restored only after the latter have pa.s.sed through these trying years.