The Man of the World (1792) Part 8

_Eger_. How do you mean by instinct, sir?

_Sir Per_. How do I mean by instinct? why, sir, I mean by--by--by the instinct of interest, sir, which is the universal instinct of mankind.

Sir, it is wonderful to think, what a cordial, what an amicable, nay, what an infallible influence, bowing has upon the pride and vanity of human nature. Charles, answer me sincerely, have you a mind to be convinced of the force of my doctrine, by example and demonstration?

_Eger_. Certainly, sir.

_Sir Per_. Then, sir, as the greatest favour I can confer upon you, I'll give you a short sketch of the stages of my bowing,--as an excitement, and a landmark for you to bow be--and as an infallible nostrum to rise in the world.

_Eger_. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your experience.

_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir: sit ye down then, sit you down here: _[They sit down_.]--and now, sir, you must recall to your thoughts, that your grandfather was a man, whose penurious income of half pay was the sum total of his fortune;--and, sir, aw my provision fra him was a modic.u.m of Latin, an expertness in arithmetic, and a short system of worldly counsel; the princ.i.p.al ingredients of which were, a persevering industry, a rigid economy, a smooth tongue, a pliability of temper, and a constant attention to make every man well pleased with himself.

_Eger_. Very prudent advice, sir.

_Sir Per_. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you.--Now, sir, with these materials I set out a raw-boned stripling fra the north, to try my fortune with them here in the south; and my first step intill the world was, a beggarly clerks.h.i.+p in Sawney Gordon's counting house, here in the city of London, which you'll say afforded but a barren sort of a prospect.

_Eger_. It was not a very fertile one indeed, sir.

_Sir Per_. The reverse, the reverse: weel, sir, seeing myself in this unprofitable situation, I reflected deeply; I cast about my thoughts morning, noon, and night, and markt every man and every mode of prosperity,--at last I concluded that a matrimonial adventure, prudently conducted, would be the readiest gait I could gang for the bettering of my condition, and accordingly I set about it: now, sir, in this pursuit, beauty! beauty!--ah! beauty often struck mine een, and played about my heart! and fluttered, and beat, and knocked, and knocked, but the devil an entrance I ever let it get;--for I observed, sir, that beauty--is generally--a proud, vain, saucy, expensive, impertinent sort of a commodity.

_Eger_. Very justly observed, sir.

_Sir Per_. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals and c.o.xcombs, that could afford to pay for it; and in its stead, sir, mark! I looked out for an ancient, weel-jointured, superannuated dowager:--a consumptive, toothless, ptisicky, wealthy widow,--or a shrivelled, cadaverous piece of deformity in the shape of an izzard, or a appersi-and,--or, in short, ainy thing, ainy thing that had the siller, the siller,--for that, sir, was the north star of my affections. Do you take me, sir; was nai that right?

_Eger_. O! doubtless--doubtless, sir.

_Sir Per_. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to look for this woman with the siller?--nai till court, nai till playhouses or a.s.semblies--nai, sir. I ganged till the kirk, till the anabaptist, independent, bradlonian, and muggletonian meetings; till the morning and evening service of churches and chapels of ease, and till the midnight, melting, conciliating love-feasts of the methodists; and there, sir, at last, I fell upon an old, slighted, antiquated, musty maiden, that looked--ha, ha, ha! she looked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's gla.s.s case. Now, sir, this miserable object was religiously angry with herself and aw the world; had nai comfort but in metaphysical visions, and supernatural deliriums; ha, ha, ha! Sir, she was as mad--as mad as a Bedlamite.

_Eger_. Not improbable, sir, there are numbers of poor creatures in the same condition.

_Sir Per_. O! numbers--numbers. Now, sir, this cracked creature used to pray, and sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her teeth constantly, morning and evening, at the Tabernacle in Moorfields: and as soon as I found she had the siller, aha! guid traith, I plumpt me down upon my knees, close by her--cheek by jowl--and prayed, and sighed, and sung, and groaned, and gnashed my teeth as vehemently as she could do for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of mine een, till the strings awmost crackt again:--I watcht her motions, handed her till her chair, waited on her home, got most religiously intimate with her in a week,--married her in a fortnight, buried her in a month;--touched the siller, and with a deep suit of mourning, a melancholy port, a sorrowful visage, and a joyful heart, I began the world again;--and this, sir, was the first bow, that is, the first effectual bow, I ever made till the vanity of human nature:--now, sir, do you understand this doctrine?

_Eger_. Perfectly well, sir.

_Sir Per_. Ay, but was it not right? was it not ingenious, and weel hit off?

_Eger_. Certainly, sir: extremely well.

_Sir Per_. My next bow, sir, was till your ain mother, whom I ran away with fra the boarding school; by the interest of whose family I got a guid smart place in the Treasury:--and, sir, my vary next step was intill Parliament; the which I entered with as ardent and as determined an ambition as ever agitated the heart of Caesar himself. Sir, I bowed, and watched, and hearkened, and ran about, backwards and forwards; and attended, and dangled upon the then great man, till I got intill the vary bowels of his confidence,--and then, sir, I wriggled, and wrought, and wriggled, till I wriggled myself among the very thick of them: hah! I got my snack of the clothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lottery tickets--and aw the political bonusses;--till at length, sir, I became a much wealthier man than one half of the golden calves I had been so long a bowing to: [_He rises, and_ Eger. _rises too._]--and was nai that bowing to some purpose?

_Eger_. It was indeed, sir.

_Sir Per_. But are you convinced of the guid effects, and of the utility of bowing?

_Eger_. Thoroughly, sir.

_Sir Per_. Sir, it is infallible:--but, Charles, ah! while I was thus bowing, and wriggling, and raising this princely fortune,--ah! I met with many heart-sores and disappointments fra the want of literature, eloquence, and other popular abeleties. Sir, guin I could but have spoken in the house, I should have done the deed in half the time; but the instant I opened my mouth there, they aw fell a laughing at me;--aw which deficiencies, sir, I determined, at any expence, to have supplied by the polished education of a son, who, I hoped, would one day raise the house of Macsycophant till the highest pitch of ministerial ambition. This, sir, is my plan: I have done my part of it; Nature has done hers: you are popular, you are eloquent; aw parties like and respect you; and now, sir, it only remains for you to be directed--completion follows.

_Eger_. Your liberality, sir, in my education, and the judicious choice you made of the worthy gentleman, to whose virtue and abilities you entrusted me, are obligations I shall ever remember with the deepest filial grat.i.tude.

_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir: but, Charles, have you had any conversation yet with Lady Rodolpha, about the day of your marriage--your liveries--your equipage--or your domestic establishment?

_Eger_. Not yet, sir.

_Sir Per_. Poh! why there again now you are wrong--vary wrong.

_Eger_. Sir, we have not had an opportunity.

_Sir Per_. Why, Charles, you are vary tardy in this business.

_Lord Lum_. [_Sings without, flusht with wine_.]

'What have we with day to do?'

_Sir Per_. O! here comes my lord.

_Lord Lum_. 'Sons of care, 'twas made for you,'

[_Enters, drinking a dish of coffee_: TOMLINS _waiting with a salver in his hand_.]

--'Sons of care, 'twas made for you.' Very, good coffee indeed, Mr.

Tomlins. 'Sons of care, 'twas made for you.' Here, Mr. Tomlins.

_Tom_. Will your lords.h.i.+p please to have another dish?

_Lord Lum_. No more, Mr. Tomlins. [_Exit_ Tomlins.]

Ha, ha, ha! my host of the Scotch pints, we have had warm work.

_Sir Per_. Yes; you pushed the bottle about, my lord, with the joy and vigour of a Baccha.n.a.l.

_Lord Lum_. That I did, my dear Mac; no loss of time with me: I have but three motions, old boy,--charge--toast--fire--and off we go: ha, ha, ha!

that's my exercise.

_Sir Per_. And fine warm exercise it is, my lord,--especially with the half-pint gla.s.ses.

_Lord Lum_. Zounds! it does execution point blanc:--ay, ay, none of your pimping acorn gla.s.ses for me, but your manly, old English half-pint b.u.mpers, my dear: they try a fellow's stamina at once:--but, where's Egerton?

_Sir Per_. Just at hand, my lord; there he stands--looking at your lords.h.i.+p's picture.

_Lord Lum_. My dear Egerton.

_Eger_. Your lords.h.i.+p's most obedient.

_Lord Lum_. I beg pardon: I did not see you: I am sorry you left us so soon after dinner: had you staid, you would have been highly entertained.

I have made such examples of the commissioner, the captain, and the colonel.

_Eger_. So I understand, my lord.

_Lord Lum_. But, Egerton, I have slipt from the company for a few moments, on purpose to have a little chat with you. Rodolpha tells me she fancies there is a kind of demur on your side, about your marriage with her.

_Sir Per_. A demur! how so, my lord?