The Wit and Humor of America Volume II Part 7

The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand, held a informal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood work smooth when the crowd finally got together. Genral Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez though he reely belonged to the last ginerashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan, with his hair freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez though he hed cheated hisself into the beleef that he reely amounted to suthin; and there wuz seventy-eight other men, who hed distinguished theirselves in the late war, but who hed never got their deserts, ceptin by brevet, owin to the fact that the Administrashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't.

They were, in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for wear, tho'

why that shood hev bin the case I coodent see (they hevin bin, to an alarmin extent, quarter-masters and commissaries, and in the recrootin service), til I notist the prevailin color uv their noses, and heerd one uv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland wuz blest with a faro bank! Then I knowd all about it.

There wuz another pekooliarity about it which for a time amoozed me.

Them ez wuz present wuz divided into 2 cla.s.ses--those ez hed bin recently appinted to posishens, and them ez expected to be shortly. I notist on the countenances uv the first cla.s.s a look uv releef, sich ez I hev seen in factories Sat.u.r.day nite, after the hands wuz paid off for a hard week's work; and on the other cla.s.s the most wolfish, hungry, fierce expression I hev ever witnessed. Likewise, I notist that the latter set uv patriots talked more hefty uv the necessity uv sustainin the policy uv our firm and n.o.ble President, and d.a.m.ned the Ablishunists with more emphasis and fervency than the others.

One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two years, and hed bin allowed to resign "jest after the battle, mother," wich, hevin his papers all destroyed, made settlin with the government a easy matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called upon to check him. "Gently, my frend," sed I, "gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev my commission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo; but yoo won't git yoor a.s.sessors.h.i.+p a minit sooner for it."

"It ain't a a.s.sessors.h.i.+p I want," sez he. "I hev devoted myself to the task uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved country--"

"Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed wounds?"

murmured I.

"An ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village,--which I hev bin solissited so strongly to take that I hev finally yielded,--I do it only that I may devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great cause uv restorin the 36 States to their normal posishens under the flag with 36 stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots wich, ef I am whom, wat is the Savior, and--and where is--"

Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle uv a quotashen from the speech uv our n.o.ble and patriotic President, and knowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuz originally delivered, I took him by the throat, and shet off the flood uv his elokence.

"Be quiet, yoo idiot!" remarked I, soothingly, to him. "Yoo'll git your apintment, becoz, for the fust time in the history uv this or any other Republic, there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo; but all this blather won't fetch it a minit sooner."

"Good Lord!" tho't I, ez I turned away, "wat a President A.J. is, to hev to buy up _sich_ cattle! Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineral cussedness turns _my_ stummick!"

It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed; whatever Kernel K----, who is now Collector uv Revenue in Illinoy, asked ef there wuz ary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin the late fratricidle struggle. A gentleman uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed bin taken three times, and wuz, altogether, 18 months in doorance vile in three diffrent prizns.

Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, aggitatidly, ef he wuz shoor--quite shoor, after sufferin all that, that he supported the policy of the President? Are you quite shoor--quite shoor?

"I am," returned the phenomenon. "I stand by Andrew Johnson and his policy, and I don't want no office!"

"Hev yoo got wun?" shouted they all in korus.

"Nary!" sed he. "With me it is a matter uv principle!"

"Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?" asked I, lookin at him with wonder.

"Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at Johnson's Island!"

Custar dropt him, and the rest remarked that, while they hed a very helthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better not menshen his presence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they loved him ruther better than a brother; yet, as the call didn't quite inclood him, tho' there wuz a delightful oneness between em, yet, ef 'twuz all the same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, I afterwards ascertained.

The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv; and the delegashens bein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the show. A big tent hed bin brought on from Boston to accommodate the expected crowd, and quite an animated discussion arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz to ockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral Wool wuz made temporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded in a elokent extemporaneous speech, which he read from ma.n.u.script. General Ewing made another extemporaneous address, which he read from ma.n.u.script, and we adjourned for dinner.

The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv the parlors uv the hotel. The Chairman asked who shood make speeches after dinner, wen every man uv em pulled from his right side coat pocket a roll uv ma.n.u.script, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees wich he hed conclooded to present extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel over, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected to prepare a address; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uv ma.n.u.script from his left side coat pocket, and sed he had jotted down a few ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed to present, et settry. This occasioned another s.h.i.+ndy; wen the Chairman remarked "Resolushens," wen every delegate rose, pulled a roll uv ma.n.u.script from his right breast coat pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, etc.

I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the expedition West, when the pressure bec.u.m unendurable. They sposed I was keeper uv the President's conscience, and I hed not a minit's peece after that. In vain I ashoored em that, there bein no consciences about the White House, no one could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em that I hed no influence with His Majesty. Two-thirds uv em pulled applicashens for places they wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insistid on my takin em, and seem that they was appinted. I told em that I cood do nuthin for em; but they laft me to skorn. "You are jist the style uv man," said they, "who hez inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must do it." Hemmed in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way I took.

Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate (I took it to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to the depot, and startid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland may be taken as a sample, the less His Majesty depends on soljers, the better.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise late Chaplain to the expedishn.

P.S.--I opened the carpet sack on the train, spectin to find a clean s.h.i.+rt in it, at least. It contained, to my disgust, an address to be read before the Cleveland Convention, a set uv resolutions, a speech, and a pet.i.tion uv the proprietor thereof for a collectors.h.i.+p, signed by eight hundred names, and a copy uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864.

The names wuz in one hand-writin, and wuz arranged alphabetically.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY.

FAMILIAR AUTHORS AT WORK

BY HAYDEN CARRUTH

MISS TRIPP

Miss Tripp for years has lived alone, Without display or fuss or pother.

The house she dwells in is her own-- She got it from her dying father.

Miss T. delights in all good works, She goes to church three times on Sunday, Her daily duty never s.h.i.+rks, Nor keeps her goodness for this one day.

She loves to bake and knit and sew, For wider fields she doesn't hanker; Yet for the things they have I know A-many poor folk have to thank her.

The simple life she truly leads, She loves her small domestic labors; In spring she plants her garden seeds And shares the product with her neighbors.

By _Books and Authors_ now I see In literature she's made a foray: "The Yellow Shadow"--said to be "A crackerjack detective-story."

CAPTAIN BROWN

Bluff Captain Brown is somewhat queer, But of the sea he's very knowing.

I scarcely meet him once a year-- He's off in search of whales a-blowing.

For fifty years--perhaps for more-- He's sailed about upon the ocean.

He thinks that if he lived ash.o.r.e He'd die. But this is just a notion.

Still when the Captain comes to port With barrels of oil from whales caught napping, He'll pace the deck, and loudly snort, "This land air is my strength a-sapping.

"I call this living on hard terms; I wish that I had never seen land; I wish I were a-chasing sperms Abaft the nor'east coast of Greenland."

Yet on his latest cruise, 'tween whales The Captain wrote a book most charming.

It's called--and it is having sales-- "Some Practical Advice on Farming."

T.H. SMITH

Tom Henry Smith I long have known Although he really is a hermit-- At least, Tom Henry lives alone, And that's what people always term it.

Tom Henry never is annoyed By fas.h.i.+on's change. He wears a collar Constructed out of celluloid.

His hats ne'er cost above a dollar.

Tom loves about his room to mess, And cook a sausage at the fireplace.

It doesn't serve to help his dress-- Grease spatters over the entire place.