The Wit and Humor of America Volume II Part 13

ACQUAINTANCE--Oh, yes, going to sing a solo.

JOKER--So low you can't hear it? Ha, ha! (_Guests near by groan._)

VOICE (_overheard_)--Madame Cully? My dear, she always tells you that you haven't half enough material, and makes you get yards more. Besides, she never sends your pieces back, though I have--

FAT OLD LADY (_to neighbor_)--I never was so warm in my life! I can't imagine why people invite you, just to make you uncomfortable. Now, when I entertain, I have the windows open for hours before any one comes.

JOKER (_aside_)--That's why she always has a frost! Ha, ha!

(HOST _enters, showing traces of hasty toilette--face red, and a razor-cut on chin._)

HOST (_rubbing his hands, and endeavoring to appear at ease and facetious_)--Well, how d'ye do, everybody! Sorry to be late on such an auspicious--

JOKER (_interrupting_)--Suspicious! Ha, ha!

HOST--occasion. I hope you are all enjoying yourselves.

CHORUS OF GUESTS--Yes, indeed!

HOSTESS--'Sh, 'sh, 's.h.!.+ I have a great disappointment for you all. Here is a telegram from my _best_ singer, saying she is sick, and can't come.

Now, we will have the pleasure of listening to Miss Jackson. Miss Jackson is a pupil of Madame Parcheesi, of Paris. (_Singer whispers to her._) Oh, I beg your pardon! It's Madame _Mar_cheesi.

DEAF OLD GENTLEMAN (_seated by piano, talking to pretty girl_)--I'd rather listen to you than hear this caterwauling. (Old Gentleman _is dragged into corner and silenced._)

YOUNG WOMAN (_singing_)--"Why do I sing? I know not, I know not! I can not help but sing. Oh, why do I sing?"

(_Guests moan softly and demand of one another_, Why does she sing?)

WOMAN GUEST (_to another_)--Isn't that just the way?--their relatives are always dying, and it's sure to be wash-day or just when you expect company to dinner, and off they go to the funeral--

(Butler _appears with trayful of punch-gla.s.ses._)

MALE GUEST (_to another_)--Thank the Lord! here's relief in sight. Let's drown our troubles.

THE OTHER--It's evident you haven't sampled the Smythes' punch before. I tell you it's a crime to spoil a thirst with this stuff. Well, here's how.

WOMAN GUEST (_to neighbor_)--I never saw Mrs. Smythe looking quite so hideous and atrociously vulgar before, did you?

NEIGHBOR--Never! Why did we come?

VOICE (_overheard_)--The one in the white-lace gown and all those diamonds?

ANOTHER VOICE--Yes. Well, you know it was common talk that before he married her--

HOSTESS--'Sh, 'sh, 's.h.!.+ Signor Padrella has offered to play some of his own compositions, but I thought you would all rather hear something familiar by one of the real composers--Rubens or Chopin--Chopinhauer, I think--

(Pianist _plunges wildly into something._)

VOICE (_during a lull in the music_)--First, you brown an onion in the pan, then you chop the cabbage--

GUEST (_in the dressing-room, just arriving, to another_)--Yes, we are awfully late, too, but I always say you never can be too late at one of the Smythes' horrors.

THIN YOUNG WOMAN (_in limp pink gown and string of huge pearls, who has come to recite_)--I'm awfully nervous, and I do believe I'm getting hoa.r.s.e. Mama, you didn't forget the lemon juice and sugar? (_Drinks from bottle._) Now, where are my bronchial troches? Don't you think I could stand just a little more rouge? I think it's a shame I'm not going to have footlights. Remember, you are not to prompt me, unless I look at you. You will get me all mixed up, if you do. (_They descend._)

HOSTESS (_to elocutionist_)--Why, I thought you were never coming! I wanted you to fill in while people were taking their seats. The guests always make so much noise, and the singers hate it. Now, what did you say you would require--an egg-beater and a turnip, wasn't it? Oh, no!

That's for the young man who is going to do the tricks. I remember. Are you all ready?

ELOCUTIONIST (_in a trembling voice_)--Ye-es.

HOSTESS--'Sh, 'sh, 's.h.!.+

ELOCUTIONIST--_Aux Italiens._

"At Paris it was, at the opera there, And she looked like--"

GUEST (_to another_)--Thirty cents, old chap! I tell you, there's nothing will knock you out quicker than--

HOSTESS--'Sh, 'sh, 's.h.!.+

(_Young woman finishes, and retires amidst subdued applause. Reappears immediately and gives "The Maniac."_)

HOSTESS--As I have been disappointed in my best talent for this evening, Mr. Briggs has kindly consented to do some of his parlor-magic tricks.

(Mr. Briggs _steps forward, a large, florid young man, wearing a "made"

dress-tie, the buckle of which crawls up the back of his collar._)

BRIGGS--Now, ladies and gentlemen, I shall have to ask you all to move to the other side of the room. (_This is accomplished with muttered uncomplimentary remarks concerning the magician._)

BRIGGS (_to Hostess_)--I must have the piano pushed to the further end.

I must have plenty of s.p.a.ce. (_All the men guests are pressed into service, and, with much difficulty the piano is moved._)

BRIGGS--Now, I want four large screens.

HOSTESS (_faintly_)--But I have only two!

BRIGGS--Well, then, get me a clothes-horse and a couple of sheets.

POOR RELATIVE--You know, Sarah, I used the last two when I made up my bed in the children's nursery yesterday. I can easily get--

HOSTESS (_hastily_)--No, Maria, don't trouble. (_To guests_)--Perhaps, some of you gentlemen wouldn't mind lending us your overcoats to cover the clothes-horse?

CHORUS (_with great lack of enthusiasm_)--Of course! Delighted! (_They go for coats._)

HOSTESS (_to Poor Relative_)--Maria, you get the clothes-horse. I think it's in the laundry, or--Oh, I think it's in the cellar. Well, you look till you find it. (_To Briggs_)--I got as many of the things you asked for as I could remember. Will you read the list over?

BRIGGS--Turnip and egg-beater--

HOSTESS--Yes.