The Wit and Humor of America Volume IV Part 7

If ever you should go by chance To jungles in the East, And if there should to you advance A large and tawny beast-- If he roar at you as you're dyin', You'll know it is the Asian Lion.

If, when in India loafing round, A n.o.ble wild beast meets you, With dark stripes on a yellow ground, Just notice if he eats you.

This simple rule may help you learn The Bengal Tiger to discern.

When strolling forth, a beast you view Whose hide with spots is peppered; As soon as it has leapt on you, You'll know it is the Leopard.

'T will do no good to roar with pain, He'll only lep and lep again.

If you are sauntering round your yard, And meet a creature there Who hugs you very, very hard, You'll know it is the Bear.

If you have any doubt, I guess He'll give you just one more caress.

Whene'er a quadruped you view Attached to any tree, It may be 'tis the Wanderoo, Or yet the Chimpanzee.

If right side up it may be both, If upside down it is the Sloth.

Though to distinguish beasts of prey A novice might nonplus; Yet from the Crocodile you may Tell the Hyena, thus: 'Tis the Hyena if it smile; If weeping, 'tis the Crocodile.

The true Chameleon is small-- A lizard sort of thing; He hasn't any ears at all And not a single wing.

If there is nothing on the tree 'Tis the Chameleon you see.

I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER

BY PHOEBE CARY

I remember, I remember, The house where I was wed, And the little room from which that night, My smiling bride was led.

She didn't come a wink too soon, Nor make too long a stay; But now I often wish her folks Had kept the girl away!

I remember, I remember, Her dresses, red and white, Her bonnets and her caps and cloaks,-- They cost an awful sight!

The "corner lot" on which I built, And where my brother met At first my wife, one was.h.i.+ng-day,-- That man is single yet!

I remember, I remember, Where I was used to court, And thought that all of married life Was just such pleasant sport:-- My spirit flew in feathers then, No care was on my brow; I scarce could wait to shut the gate,-- I'm not so anxious now!

I remember, I remember, My dear one's smile and sigh; I used to think her tender heart Was close against the sky.

It was a childish ignorance, But now it soothes me not To know I'm farther off from Heaven Then when she wasn't got.

THE COUPON BONDS

BY J.T. TROWBRIDGE

(Mr. and Mrs. Ducklow have secretly purchased bonds with money that should have been given to their adopted son Reuben, who has sacrificed his health in serving his country as a soldier, and, going to visit Reuben on the morning of his return home, they hide the bonds under the carpet of the sitting-room, and leave the house in charge of Taddy, another adopted son.)

Mr. Ducklow had scarcely turned the corner of the street, when, looking anxiously in the direction of his homestead, he saw a column of smoke.

It was directly over the spot where he knew his house to be situated. He guessed at a glance what had happened. The frightful catastrophe he foreboded had befallen. Taddy had set the house afire.

"Them bonds! them bonds!" he exclaimed, distractedly. He did not think so much of the house: house and furniture were insured; if they were burned the inconvenience would be great indeed, and at any other time the thought of such an event would have been a sufficient cause for trepidation; but now his chief, his only anxiety was the bonds. They were not insured. They would be a dead loss. And, what added sharpness to his pangs, they would be a loss which he must keep a secret, as he had kept their existence a secret,--a loss which he could not confess, and of which he could not complain. Had he not just given his neighbors to understand that he had no such property? And his wife,--was she not at that very moment, if not serving up a lie upon the subject, at least paring the truth very thin indeed?

"A man would think," observed Ferring, "that Ducklow had some o' them bonds on his hands, and got scaret, he took such a sudden start. He has, hasn't he, Mrs. Ducklow?"

"Has what?" said Mrs. Ducklow, pretending ignorance.

"Some o' them cowpon bonds. I rather guess he's got some."

"You mean Gov'ment bonds? Ducklow got some? 'Tain't at all likely he'd spec'late in them without saying something to _me_ about it. No, he couldn't have any without my knowing it, I'm sure."

How demure, how innocent she looked, plying her knitting-needle, and stopping to take up a st.i.tch! How little at that moment she knew of Ducklow's trouble and its terrible cause!

Ducklow's first impulse was to drive on and endeavor at all hazards to s.n.a.t.c.h the bonds from the flames. His next was to return and alarm his neighbors and obtain their a.s.sistance. But a minute's delay might be fatal: so he drove on, screaming, "Fire! fire!" at the top of his voice.

But the old mare was a slow-footed animal; and Ducklow had no whip. He reached forward and struck her with the reins.

"Git up! git up!--Fire! fire!" screamed Ducklow. "Oh, them bonds! them bonds! Why didn't I give the money to Reuben? Fire! fire! fire!"

By dint of screaming and slapping, he urged her from a trot into a gallop, which was scarcely an improvement as to speed, and certainly not as to grace. It was like the gallop of an old cow. "Why don't ye go 'long?" he cried, despairingly.

Slap! slap! He knocked his own hat off with the loose end of the reins.

It fell under the wheels. He cast one look behind, to satisfy himself that it had been very thoroughly run over and crushed into the dirt, and left it to its fate.

Slap! slap! "Fire! fire!" Canter, canter, canter! Neighbors looked out of their windows, and, recognizing Ducklow's wagon and old mare in such an astonis.h.i.+ng plight, and Ducklow himself, without his hat, rising from his seat and reaching forward in wild att.i.tudes, brandis.h.i.+ng the reins, and at the same time rending the azure with yells, thought he must be insane.

He drove to the top of the hill, and, looking beyond, in expectation of seeing his house wrapped in flames, discovered that the smoke proceeded from a brush-heap which his neighbor Atkins was burning in a field near by.

The revulsion of feeling that ensued was almost too much for the excitable Ducklow. His strength went out of him. For a little while there seemed to be nothing left of him but tremor and cold sweat.

Difficult as it had been to get the old mare in motion, it was now even more difficult to stop her.

"Why, what has got into Ducklow's old mare? She's running away with him!

Who ever heard of such a thing!" And Atkins, watching the ludicrous spectacle from his field, became almost as weak from laughter as Ducklow was from the effects of fear.

At length Ducklow succeeded in checking the old mare's speed and in turning her about. It was necessary to drive back for his hat. By this time he could hear a chorus of shouts, "Fire! fire! fire!" over the hill. He had aroused the neighbors as he pa.s.sed, and now they were flocking to extinguish the flames.

"A false alarm! a false alarm!" said Ducklow, looking marvelously sheepish, as he met them. "Nothing but Atkins's brush-heap!"

"Seems to me you ought to have found that out 'fore you raised all creation with your yells!" said one hyperbolical fellow. "You looked like the Flying Dutchman! This your hat? I thought 'twas a dead cat in the road. No fire! no fire!"--turning back to his comrades,--"only one of Ducklow's jokes."

Nevertheless, two or three boys there were who would not be convinced, but continued to leap up, swing their caps, and scream "Fire!" against all remonstrance. Ducklow did not wait to enter his explanations, but, turning the old mare about again, drove home amid the laughter of the by-standers and the screams of the misguided youngsters. As he approached the house, he met Taddy rus.h.i.+ng wildly up the street.

"Thaddeus! Thaddeus! Where ye goin', Thaddeus?"

"Goin' to the fire!" cried Taddy.

"There isn't any fire, boy."