Puppets at Large Part 7

A HAWKER OF PENNY MEMORANDUM BOOKS (_to an audience of small boys_).

Those among you 'oo are not mechanics, decidedly you 'ave mechanical _hideers_!

[_He enlarges upon the convenience of having a notebook in which to jot down any inspirations of this kind; but his hearers do not appear to agree with him._

A LUGUBRIOUS VENDOR. One penny for six comic pypers. Hevery one different!

A RUDE BOY. You ain't bin _readin'_ o' any on 'em, 'ave yer, guv'nor?

A CROCKERY MERCHANT (_as he unpacks a variety of vases of appalling hideousness_). _I_ don't care--it's self-sacrifice to give away!

Understand, you ain't buyin' _common_ things, you're buyin' suthin'

_good_! It 'appens to be my buthday to-night, so I'm goin' to let you people 'ave the benefit of the doubt. Come on 'ere. I don't ask you to b'lieve _me_--on'y to jedge fur yerselves. I'm not 'ere to tell you no fairy tales; and the reason why I'm in a position to orfer up these vawses--all richly gilt, and decorated in three colours, the most expensive ever made--the reason I'm able to sell them so cheap as I'm doin' is this--(_he lowers his voice mysteriously_)--'arf the stuff I 'ave 'ere we git _in very funny ways_!

[_This ingeniously suggestive hint enhances the natural charm of his ware to such a degree that the vases are bought up briskly, as calculated to brighten the humblest home._

A SANCTIMONIOUS YOUNG MAN (_with a tongue too large for his mouth, who has just succeeded in collecting a circle round him_). I am only 'ere to-night, my friends, as a paid servant--for the purpose of deciding a wager. Some o' you may have noticed an advertis.e.m.e.nt lately in the _Daily Telegrawf_, asking for men to stand on Southwark Bridge and orfer arf-suverings for a penny apiece. You are equally well aware that it is illegal to orfer the Queen's coinage for money: and that is _not_ my intention this evening. _But_ I 'ave 'ere several pieces of gold, guaranteed to be of the exact weight of arf a suvering, and 'all-marked, which, in order to decide the wager I 'ave spoken of, I shall now perceed to charge you the sum of one penny for, and no more. I am not allowed to sell _more_ than one to each person----

[_Here a constable comes up, and the decision of the wager is postponed until a more favourable opportunity._

FIRST "GENERAL" (_looking into a draper's window_). Look at them coloured felt 'ats--all shades, and on'y sixpence three-fardens!

SECOND "G." They _are_ reasonable; but I've 'eard as felt 'ats is gone out of fas.h.i.+on now.

FIRST "G." Don't you believe it, Sarah. Why, my married sister bought one on'y last week!

COSTER (_to an old lady who has repudiated a bunch of onions after a prolonged scrutiny_). Frorsty? So would _you_ be if _your_ onion 'ad bin layin' out in the fields all night as long as these 'ave!

FIRST ITINERANT PHYSICIAN (_as he screws up fragments of candy in pieces of newspaper_). That is Frog in your Froat what I'm doin' up now. I arsk you to try it. It's given to me to give away, and I'm goin' to _give_ it away--you understand?--that's all. And now I'm going to tork to you about suthink else. You see this small bottle what I 'old up. I tell you there's 'undreds layin' in bed at this present moment as 'ud give a s.h.i.+llin' fur one of these--and I offer it to you at one penny! It corrects all nerve-pains connected with the 'ed, cures earache, toothache, neuralgy, noomonia, 'art-complaint, fits, an' syhatica. Each bottle is charged with helectricity, forming a complete galvanic-battery. Hall _you_ 'ave to do is to place the bottle to one o'

your nawstrils, first closing the other with your finger. You will find it compels you to sniff. The moment you _tyke_ that sniff, you'll find the worter comin' into your heyes--and that's the helectricity. You'll say, "_I_ always 'eard helectricity was a _fluid_." (_With withering scorn._) Very _likely_! You _'ave_? An' _why_? Be-cawse o' the hignirant notions prevailin' about scientific affairs! Hevery one o' these bottles contains a battery, and to each purchaser I myke 'im a present--a _present_, mind yer--of Frog in 'is Froat!

SUSAN JANE (_to LIZERANN, before a stall where "Novelettes, three a penny," are to be procured by the literary_). Shall we 'ave a penn'orth, an' you go 'alves along o' me?

LIZERANN. Not _me_. I ain't got no time to go improvin' o' _my_ mind, whatever _you_ 'ave!

A VENDOR OF "'ORE'OUND TABLETS" (_he is a voluble young man, with considerable lung-power, and a tendency to regard his cough lozenges as not only physical but moral specifics_). I'm on'y a young feller, as you see, and yet 'ere I _am_, with my four burnin' lamps, and a la.s.soo-soot as belonged to my Uncle Bill, doin' _wunnerful_ well. Why, I've took over two pound in coppers a'ready! Mind you, I don't deceive you; you may all on you do as well as me; on'y you'll 'ave to get two good ref'rences fust, _and_ belong to a temp'rance society, like I do. This is the badge as I've got on me at this minnit. I ain't always bin like I am now. I started business four year ago, and was doin' wunnerful well, too, till I got among 'orse-copers an' dealers and went on the booze, and lost the lot. Then I turned up the drink and got a berth sellin'

these 'ere w.a.n.goo Tablets--and now I've got a neat little missus, and a nice 'ome, goin' on wunnerful comfortable. Never a week pa.s.ses but what I buy myself something. Last week it was a pair o' noo socks. Soon as the sun peeps out and the doo dries up, I'm orf to Yarmouth. And what's the reason? I've _enjoyed_ myself there. My Uncle Bill, as lives at Lowestoft, and keeps six fine 'orses and a light waggon, _he's_ doin'

wunnerful well, and he'd take me into partners.h.i.+p to-morrow, he would.

But no--I'm 'appier as I am. What's the reason I kin go on torkin' to you like this night after night, without injury to my voice? Shall I tell yer? Because, every night o' my life, afore I go to bed, I take four o' these w.a.n.goo Tablets--compounded o' the purest 'erbs. You take them to the nearest doctor's and arsk 'im to a.n.a.lyse an' test them as he _will_, and you 'ear what _he_ says of them! Take one o' them tablets--after your pipe; after your cigaw; after your cigarette. You won't want no more drink, you'll find them make you come 'ome reglar every evening, and be able to buy a noo 'at every week. You've ony to persevere for a bit with these 'ere lawzengers to be like I am myself, doin' _wunnerful_ well! You see this young feller 'ere? (_Indicating a sheepish head in a pot-hat, which is visible over the back of his stall._) Born and bred in Kenada, _'e_ was. And quite _right_! Bin over 'ere six year, so, o' course he speaks the lengwidge. And _quite_ right.

Now I'm no Amerikin myself, but they're a wunnerful clever people, the Amerikins are, allays inventin' or suthink o' that there. And you're at liberty to go and arsk 'im for yourselves whether this is a real Amerikin invention or not--as he'll tell yer it _is_--and quite right, too! An' it stands to reason as _he_ orter know, seein' he introdooced it 'imself and doin' wunnerful well with it ever since. I ain't come 'ere to _rob_ yer. Lady come and give me a two-s.h.i.+llin' piece just now.

I give it her back. _She_ didn't know--thort it was a penny, till I told her. Well, that just shows you what these 'ere w.a.n.goo 'Ore'ound Tablets _are_!

[_After this practical ill.u.s.tration of their efficacy, he pauses for oratorical effect, and a hard-worked-looking matron purchases three packets, in the apparent hope that a similar halo of the best h.o.r.ehound will shortly irradiate the head of her household._

LIZERANN (_to SUSAN JANE, as they walk homewards_). On'y fancy--the other evenin', as I was walkin' along this very pavement, a cab-'orse come up beyind me, unbeknown like, and put 'is 'ed over my shoulder and breathed right in my ear!

SUSAN JANE (_awestruck_). You _must_ ha' bin a bad gell!

[_LIZERANN is clearly disquieted by so mystical an interpretation, even while she denies having done anything deserving of a supernatural rebuke._

[Ill.u.s.tration]

THE "MODEL HUSBAND" CONTEST.

_Scene the First--At the GALAHAD-GREEN'S._

MRS. G.-G. Galahad!

MR. G.-G. (_meekly_). My love?

MRS. G.-G. I see that the proprietors of _All Sorts_ are going to follow the American example, and offer a prize of 20 to the wife who makes out the best case for her husband as a Model. It's just as well, perhaps, that you should know that I've made up my mind to enter _you_!

MR. G.-G. (_gratified_). My dear Cornelia! really, I'd no idea you had such a----

MRS. G.-G. Nonsense! The drawing-room carpet is a perfect disgrace, and, as you can't, or won't, provide the money in any _other_ way, why----Would you like to hear what I've said about you?

MR. G.-G. Well, if you're sure it wouldn't be troubling you too much, I _should_, my dear.

MRS. G.-G. Then sit where I can see you, and listen. (_She reads._) "Irreproachable in all that pertains to morality"--(and it would be a bad day indeed for you, Galahad, if I ever had cause to think _otherwise_!)--"morality; scrupulously dainty and neat in his person"--(ah, you may well blush, Galahad, but fortunately, they won't want me to _produce_ you!)--"he imports into our happy home the delicate refinement of a _preux chevalier_ of the olden time." (Will you kindly take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) "We rule our little kingdom with a joint and equal sway, to which jealousy and friction are alike unknown; he, considerate and indulgent to my womanly weakness"--(You need not stare at me in that perfectly idiotic fas.h.i.+on!)--"I, looking to him for the wise and tender support which has never yet been denied. The close and daily scrutiny of many years has discovered"--(What are you shaking like _that_ for?)--"discovered no single weakness; no taint or flaw of character; no irritating trick of speech or habit." (How often have I told you that I will _not_ have the handle of that paper-knife sucked? Put it down; do!) "His conversation--sparkling but ever spiritual--renders our modest meals veritable feasts of fancy and flows of soul.... _Well_, Galahad?"

MR. G.-G. Nothing, my dear; nothing. It struck me as, well,--a trifle _flowery_, that last pa.s.sage, that's all!

MRS. G.-G. (_severely_). If I cannot expect to win the prize without descending to floweriness, whose fault is _that_, I should like to know?

If you can't make sensible observations, you had better not speak at all. (_Continuing._) "Over and over again, gathering me in his strong, loving arms, and pressing fervent kisses upon my forehead, he has cried, 'Why am I not a Monarch that so I could place a diadem upon that brow?

With such a Consort am I not doubly crowned?'" Have you anything to say to _that_, Galahad?

MR. G.-G. Only, my love, that I--I don't seem to remember having made that particular remark.

MRS. G.-G. Then make it _now_. I'm sure I wish to be as accurate as I _can_.

[_MR. G.-G. makes the remark--but without fervour._

_Scene the Second--At the MONARCH-JONES'._

MR. M.-J. Twenty quid would come in precious handy just now, after all I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch that prize if I can--so just you sit down, Grizzle, and write out what I tell you; do you hear?

MRS. M.-J. (_timidly_). But, Monarch, dear, would that be quite _fair_?

No, don't be angry, I didn't mean that--I'll write whatever you please!

MR. M.-J. You'd _better_, that's all! Are you ready? I must screw myself up another peg before I begin. (_He screws._) Now, then. (_Stands over her and dictates._) "To the polished urbanity of a perfect gentleman he unites the kindly charity of a true Christian." (Why the devil don't you learn to write decently, eh?) "Liberal, and even lavish, in all his dealings, he is yet a stern foe to every kind of excess"--(Hold on a bit, I must have another nip after that)--"every kind of excess. Our married life is one long dream of blissful contentment, in which each contends with the other in loving self-sacrifice." (Haven't you corked all that down _yet_!) "Such cares and anxieties as he has he conceals from me with scrupulous consideration as long as possible"--(Gad, I should be a fool if I _didn't_!)--"while I am ever sure of finding in him a patient and sympathetic listener to all my trifling worries and difficulties."--(_Two_ f's in difficulties, you little fool--can't you even _spell_?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, he has rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly emotion, 'Oh, that I were more worthy of such a pearl among women! With such a helpmate, I am indeed to be envied!'" That _ought_ to do the trick. If I don't romp in after that!----(_Observing that MRS. M.-J.'S shoulders are convulsed._) What the dooce are you giggling at _now_?

MRS. M.-J. I--I wasn't giggling, Monarch dear, only----

MR. M.-J. Only _what_?