Upsidonia Part 4

"I shall quite hope to be able to do that," I said. "I might be able to take away a considerable sum of money."

Again he shook hands with me, but his emotion did not permit of much speech. "You will have your reward," he said simply.

"I quite hope so," I replied. "What, must you be going? Are you sure you won't take--I mean are you sure you are quite wrapped up enough? The night air is a little chilly."

"Thank you, I shall walk home," he said. "Well, I am very much obliged to you for what you have promised to do. We shan't forget it, and anything we can do for you in return, as long as you remain in Upsidonia, you may be sure we _shall_ do."

CHAPTER V

They seemed to keep early hours in Upsidonia.[1] A cup of tea was brought to me at half-past seven, and I was told that I must breakfast not later than a quarter-past eight, for the court sat at nine.

It was not unlike what a police court in London might have been, but the magistrate sat in his s.h.i.+rt-sleeves, for it was a hot day, and wore corduroy trousers. There was a crowd of well-dressed loafers at the back of the court, and amongst them some richly attired women. Lord Potter, looking as if he had not washed or taken off his clothes since the day before, occupied a seat on the bench. Mr. Perry and his son were in the well of the court.

I gave my name, which I had withheld the night before, as John Howard, but refused to say where I came from or what my occupation was.

Apparently, this was not unusual, for I was not pressed in any way.[2]

The policeman who had arrested me deposed that from information received he had proceeded to a certain place and taken me into custody, not without difficulty, for I had shown violence and had tried to get him to arrest another person instead.

Asked whether he saw that person in that court, he indicated Mr. Perry, who looked very uncomfortable, and I said at once: "That was all a mistake, your wors.h.i.+p. I had been fast asleep, and hardly knew what I was doing. I mistook that gentleman for somebody else."

My interruption rather scandalised the court, but I managed to get it out before I was stopped, and I could see that the magistrate was relieved at my having spoken.

"There is no charge against our respected fellow-townsman," he said, bowing towards Mr. Perry; and there were murmurs of approbation from the back of the court.

Lord Potter looked black. "The prisoner accused him of taking away his watch," he said, "and trying to get his money. Of course, if nothing had been found on the prisoner the charge would have fallen through. It is quite evident that Mr. Perry wanted to make it appear that I was lying when I said that this man had tried to press money on me."[3]

He spoke with great indignation, but the magistrate said firmly: "There is no charge against Mr. Perry," and added: "He could not have taken away the prisoner's watch, because it was found on him when he came to the police station, and his money too. He would hardly have taken it back, if someone had been kind enough to relieve him of it, would he?"

This was said with a smile to Lord Potter, who grunted angrily, but said no more until he was asked to tell his story, which he did quite truthfully, except that he gave the impression of my having acted violently towards him, and pressed money on him with threats.

Then I was asked if I had anything to say in my defence.

I said that the whole episode had been an ill-timed joke, which I now much regretted. I cross-examined Lord Potter as to his implication of violence, and made him admit that I had used none, and threatened none.

"And didn't I tell you I was almost as poor as you were?" I asked.

This he also admitted. I treated him with somewhat exaggerated respect, and ended up by saying that I acknowledged it was a foolish prank to play on a man of his eminence, and that, whatever the result of the charge, I begged to apologise for it. This softened him a little, though not much, but when the magistrate and his clerk had conferred with him in whispers, he seemed to give way, and the magistrate then turned to me and addressed me thus:

"John Howard, although you have refused to give any information about yourself, it is evident from your general appearance that you are a young man of good if not exalted station. But you must not go away with the impression that there is one law for the poor and another for the rich here. It is not on account of your appearance of poverty that I shall deal leniently with you. I believe that you have committed this gross offence against a distinguished man out of mere youthful folly and bravado, and you may consider yourself fortunate that I have decided not to send you to prison for it. You have been confined for the night in surroundings that have probably caused you considerable distress, and I have taken that into account. I shall fine you ten pounds, with the option of a month's imprisonment, and let this be a lesson to you to leave off playing practical jokes that are likely to bring you within the reach of the law. Next case."

I left the dock in some perturbation, for I had not got ten pounds on me. But I was immediately led to the clerk's table, and he said in a business-like way: "Sign that, please," and handed me a little pile of sovereigns and a form of receipt.

I signed the receipt and put the money into my pocket, and was now free.

Mr. Perry and his son joined me, and wringing me warmly by the hand led me out into the open air. They were both dressed in shabby suits, I suppose out of respect to the court, and, although the young man did not look any the worse, I thought that his father seemed more of an oily old humbug than before.

But there seemed to be no doubt about the reality of his grat.i.tude to me, and his son was equally cordial. They both pressed me to come at once to their house, and to stay as long as I could.

"If you can put up with our way of living," said Mr. Perry, "which is the reverse of simple, we shall be very pleased indeed to have you so long as you care to stay. Or, if you are afraid of luxury, as so many young men are nowadays, we could recommend you to an hotel where you could be as uncomfortable as you please, and we will still do all we can to help you in your social studies, which, I am glad to hear from my son, you are anxious to pursue."

"If you will be good enough to put me up," I said, "nothing could suit me better; and as for luxury, I a.s.sure you I shan't grumble at anything.

As I told your son, I should like to pa.s.s as a rich man as long as I stay here."

This reply pleased Mr. Perry, and he proposed that we should go to his house at once. "I shall take a tram," he said; "but I dare say you and Edward would prefer to walk."

At this point Lord Potter came out of the police court. Two young men in smart clothes, with silk hats and patent leather boots, were standing on the steps smoking cigarettes, and did not notice him. He stopped at the top of the steps, and said in a tone of contempt: "Will you kindly get out of my way?"

The two young men looked round hurriedly and slunk aside, taking off their hats as Lord Potter walked down the steps, ostentatiously holding his rags together to avoid contact with them.

"It is that spirit," said Mr. Perry, who had observed the scene, "that is responsible for so much of the cla.s.s-hatred that is now rife. You can hardly wonder at the rich hating the poor, when they are treated in that way."

Lord Potter pa.s.sed on with his nose in the air, but when he had gone another two or three steps, turned round and said to Mr. Perry: "You have had a lucky escape, sir. Your method of life is bringing you down pretty low, and if you are wise you will give up all this nonsense, and return to the quite respectable cla.s.s in which you were born."

Then he turned to me. "As for you, young man," he said, "I shall make it my business to know more about you. I don't believe you are what you pretend to be."

As he walked away with his dirty head in the air, Mr. Perry spluttered indignantly: "The _respectable_ cla.s.s in which I was born! He knows very well that I am of a good family--as good as his own. Really, the arrogance of the dirty set is getting past all bearing!"

"He makes you feel as if your clothes fitted you," said young Perry.

"But never mind him, father. He can't touch us."

FOOTNOTES:

[1] A Daylight Saving Bill had been pa.s.sed some years before, by which an hour was borrowed in April to be paid back in October. The necessity, however, of getting up an hour earlier than usual had made the whole populace so cross that the Government which had pa.s.sed the Bill was forced to resign, and the next Government repealed the law immediately upon coming into office. They omitted, however, to allow for the repayment of the borrowed hour, and as no Government had since cared to touch the question, Upsidonian time had remained an hour earlier ever since.

[2] It was held in Upsidonia that private knowledge of any fact was the possessor's own property, and, as no one was willing to acquire property if they could help it, questions of this sort were never pressed. It had even been laid down in the courts that a person too ready with information could be indicted for forcing property on his hearers. Vide Cope on "The Bore in Law."

[3] I might also have been arrested for sleeping out with visible means of substance, which had been in Mr. Perry's mind when he had imperilled himself by his kindly action, as he told me afterwards.

CHAPTER VI

We saw Mr. Perry into his tram, and started to walk through the town.

My observation as to the behaviour and appearance of the well-dressed people was confirmed. The men slouched along with their hands in their pockets, and the women, although they wore fine clothes, had a very ungraceful bearing. The most expensively dressed were the worst in this respect, and the poorer sort of people hustled them off the pavements and treated them with every mark of contempt.

As we were going through a narrow street between two wide ones, a stout old lady, covered with jewels, and dressed in heliotrope velvet, with some beautiful lace on her gown and enormous ostrich feathers in her hat, walked in the gutter by my side, and said in the hoa.r.s.e whine of a beggar: "Do take a sovereign from a rich woman, kind gentleman. I 'aven't lef' off eating for two days, and the larder's full at 'ome."

I was about to comply with her request, for I have no prejudices against indiscriminate charity, but young Perry told her to be off, or he'd give her in charge. She slunk away to where a carriage with two fine horses and a coachman and footman was standing at the end of the street, and drove off.

"These beggars are becoming a regular pest," said Perry. "It is because we have old clothes on. There are _some_ compensations in going about like a rich man."

"Could I buy a few clothes cheap?" I asked him. "I want to do the thing thoroughly while I am with you."