The Tatler Volume I Part 3

And this, Sir John, is every day the trade.

Here I sit moping all the live-long night, Devoured with spleen, and stranger to delight; 'Till morn sends staggering home a drunken beast, Resolved to break my heart, as well as rest."

"Hey! Hoop! d'ye hear my d.a.m.ned obstreperous spouse!

What, can't you find one bed about the house!

Will that perpetual clack lie never still!

That rival to the softness of a mill!

Some couch and distant room must be my choice, Where I may sleep uncursed with wife and noise."

Long this uncomfortable life they led, With snarling meals, and each, a separate bed.

To an old uncle oft she would complain, Beg his advice, and scarce from tears refrain.

Old Wisewood smoked the matter as it was, "Cheer up!" cried he, "and I'll remove the cause.

"A wonderous spring within my garden flows, Of sovereign virtue, chiefly to compose Domestic jars, and matrimonial strife, The best elixir t' appease man and wife; Strange are th' effects, the qualities divine, 'Tis water called, but worth its weight in wine.

If in his sullen airs Sir John should come, Three spoonfuls take, hold in your mouth--then mum: Smile, and look pleased, when he shall rage and scold, Still in your mouth the healing cordial hold; One month this sympathetic medecine tried, He'll grow a lover, you a happy bride.

But, dearest niece, keep this grand secret close, Or every prattling hussy'll beg a dose."

A water-bottle's brought for her relief, Not Nantz could sooner ease the lady's grief: Her busy thoughts are on the trial bent, And female-like, impatient for th' event:

The bonny knight reels home exceeding clear, Prepared for clamour, and domestic war.

Entering, he cries, "Hey! where's our thunder fled?

No hurricane! Betty, 's your lady dead?"

Madam, aside, an ample mouthful takes, Curtsies, looks kind, but not a word she speaks: Wondering, he stared, scarcely his eyes believed, But found his ears agreeably deceived.

"Why, how now, Molly, what's the crotchet now?"

She smiles, and answers only with a bow.

Then clasping her about,--"Why, let me die!

These nightclothes, Moll, become thee mightily!"

With that, he sighed, her hand began to press, And Betty calls, her lady to undress; "Nay, kiss me, Molly, for I'm much inclined."

Her lace she cuts, to take him in the mind.

Thus the fond pair to bed enamoured went, The lady pleased, and the good knight content.

For many days these fond endearments pa.s.sed, The reconciling bottle fails at last; 'Twas used and gone: Then midnight storms arose, And looks and words the union discompose.

Her coach is ordered, and post-haste she flies, To beg her uncle for some fresh supplies; Transported does the strange effects relate, Her knight's conversion, and her happy state!

"Why, niece," says he, "I prithee apprehend The water's water. Be thyself thy friend; Such beauty would the coldest husband warm, But your provoking tongue undoes the charm: Be silent, and complying; you'll soon find, Sir John, without a medecine, will be kind."

St. James's Coffee-house, April 13.

Letters from Venice say, the disappointment of their expectation to see his Danish Majesty, has very much disquieted the Court of Rome. Our last advices from Germany inform us, that the minister of Hanover has urged the council at Ratisbon to exert themselves in behalf of the common cause, and taken the liberty to say, that the dignity, the virtue, the prudence of his electoral highness, his master, were called to the head of their affairs in vain, if they thought fit to leave him naked of the proper means to make those excellences useful for the honour and safety of the Empire. They write from Berlin of the 13th, O.S., that the true design of General Fleming's visit to that Court was, to insinuate, that it will be for the mutual interest of the King of Prussia and King Augustus to enter into a new alliance; but that the ministers of Prussia are not inclined to his sentiments. We hear from Vienna, that his Imperial Majesty has expressed great satisfaction in their high mightinesses having communicated to him the whole that has pa.s.sed in the affair of a peace. Though there have been practices used by the agents of France, in all the Courts of Europe, to break the good understanding of the allies, they have had no other effect, but to make all the members concerned in the alliance, more doubtful of their safety from the great offers of the enemy. The Empire is roused by this alarm, and the frontiers of all the French dominions are in danger of being insulted the ensuing campaign: advices from all parts confirm, that it is impossible for France to find a way to obtain so much credit, as to gain any one potentate of the allies, or make any hope for safety from other prospects.

From my own Apartment, April 13.

I find it of very great use, now I am setting up for a writer of news, that I am an adept in astrological speculations; by which means, I avoid speaking of things which may offend great persons. But at the same time, I must not prost.i.tute the liberal sciences so far, as not to utter the truth in cases which do not immediately concern the good of my native country. I must therefore boldly contradict what has been so a.s.suredly reported by the news-writers of England, that France is in the most deplorable condition, and that their people die in great mult.i.tudes. I will therefore let the world know, that my correspondent, by the way of Brussels, informs me, upon his honour, that the gentleman who writes the Gazette of Paris, and ought to know as well as any man, has told him, that ever since the king has been past his 63rd year, or grand climacteric, there has not one man died of the French nation who was younger than his Majesty, except a very few, who were taken suddenly near the village of Hochsted[84] in Germany; and some more, who were straitened for lodging at a place called Ramilies, and died on the road to Ghent and Bruges. There are also other things given out by the allies, which are s.h.i.+fts below a conquering nation to make use of. Among others, 'tis said, there is a general murmuring among the people of France, though at the same time all my letters agree, that there is so good an understanding among them, that there is not one morsel carried out of any market in the kingdom, but what is delivered upon credit.

[Footnote 81: William Harrison (1685-1713) was a favourite with Swift and Addison. He wrote verses, and a continuation of the _Tatler_, and afterwards obtained office in the diplomatic service; but his health soon broke down, and he died when 28.]

[Footnote 82: There is a similar story in Burton's "Anatomy of Melancholy."]

[Footnote 83: The Rose Tavern, in Russell Street, adjoined Drury Lane Theatre, and was a favourite resort during and after the play.]

[Footnote 84: The Battle of Blenheim.]

No. 3. [STEELE.

From _Thursday, April 14_, to _Sat.u.r.day, April 16_, 1709.

Will's Coffee-house, April 14.

This evening, the comedy called "The Country Wife"[85] was acted in Drury Lane, for the benefit of Mrs. Bignell.[86] The part which gives name to the play was performed by herself. Through the whole action, she made a very pretty figure, and exactly entered into the nature of the part. Her husband in the drama, is represented to be one of those debauchees who run through the vices of the town, and believe when they think fit they can marry, and settle at their ease. His own knowledge of the iniquity of the age, makes him choose a wife wholly ignorant of it, and place his security in her want of skill how to abuse him. The poet, on many occasions, where the propriety of the character will admit of it, insinuates, that there is no defence against vice, but the contempt of it: and has, in the natural ideas of an untainted innocent, shown the gradual steps to ruin and destruction, which persons of condition run into, without the help of a good education how to form their conduct.

The torment of a jealous c.o.xcomb, which arises from his own false maxims, and the aggravation of his pain, by the very words in which he sees her innocence, makes a very pleasant and instructive satire. The character of Horner, and the design of it, is a good representation of the age in which that comedy was written; at which time love and wenching were the business of life, and the gallant manner of pursuing women was the best recommendation at Court. To which only it is to be imputed, that a gentleman of Mr. Wycherley's character and sense, condescends to represent the insults done to the honour of the bed, without just reproof; but to have drawn a man of probity with regard to such considerations, had been a monster, and a poet had at that time discovered his want of knowing the manners of the Court he lived in, by a virtuous character in his fine gentleman, as he would show his ignorance, by drawing a vicious one to please the present audience. Mrs.

Bignell did her part very happily, and had a certain grace in her rusticity, which gave us hopes of seeing her a very skilful player, and in some parts, supply our loss of Mrs. Verbruggen.[87] I cannot be of the same opinion with my friends and fellow-labourers, the Reformers of Manners,[88] in their severity towards plays, but must allow that a good play acted before a well-bred audience, must raise very proper incitements to good behaviour, and be the most quick and most prevailing method of giving young people a turn of sense and breeding. But as I have set up for a weekly historian, I resolve to be a faithful one; and therefore take this public occasion to admonish a young n.o.bleman, who came fl.u.s.tered into the box last night, and let him know, how much all his friends were out of countenance for him. The women sat in terror of hearing something that should shock their modesty, and all the gentlemen in as much pain, out of compa.s.sion to the ladies, and perhaps resentment for the indignity which was offered in coming into their presence in so disrespectful a manner. Wine made him say nothing that was rude, therefore he is forgiven, upon condition he will never hazard his offending more in this kind. As I just now hinted, I own myself of the Society for Reformation of Manners. We have lower instruments than those of the family of Bickerstaff, for punis.h.i.+ng great crimes, and exposing the abandoned. Therefore, as I design to have notices from all public a.s.semblies, I shall take upon me only indecorums, improprieties, and negligences, in such as should give us better examples. After this declaration, if a fine lady thinks fit to giggle at church, or a great beau come in drunk to a play, either shall be sure to hear of it in my ensuing paper: for merely as a well-bred man, I cannot bear these enormities.

After the play, we naturally stroll to this coffee-house, in hopes of meeting some new poem, or other entertainment, among the men of wit and pleasure, where there is a dearth at present. But it is wonderful there should be so few writers, when the art is become merely mechanic, and men may make themselves great that way, by as certain and infallible rules, as you may be a joiner or a mason. There happens a good instance of this, in what the hawker just now has offered to sale; to wit, "Instructions to Vanderbank; a Sequel to the Advice to the Poets: A Poem, occasioned by the Glorious Success of her Majesty's Arms, under the Command of the Duke of Marlborough, the last Year in Flanders."[89]

Here you are to understand, that the author finding the poets would not take his advice, he troubles himself no more about them; but has met with one Vanderbank,[90] who works in arras, and makes very good tapestry hangings. Therefore, in order to celebrate the hero of the age, he claps me together all that can be said of a man that makes hangings, as:

_Then, artist, who dost Nature's face express In silk and gold, and scenes of action dress; Dost figured arras animated leave, Spin a bright story, or a pa.s.sion weave By mingling threads; canst mingle shade and light, Delineate triumphs, or describe a fight._

Well, what shall this workman do? Why, to show how great an hero the poet intends, he provides him a very good horse:

_Champing his foam, and bounding on the plain, Arch his high neck, and graceful spread his mane._

Now as to the intrepidity, the calm courage, the constant application of the hero, it is not necessary to take that upon yourself; you may, in the lump, bid him you employ raise him as high as he can, and if he does it not, let him answer for disobeying orders:

_Let fame and victory in inferior sky, Hover with ballanced wings, and smiling fly Above his head, &c._

A whole poem of this kind may be ready against an ensuing campaign, as well as a s.p.a.ce left in the canvas of a piece of tapestry for the princ.i.p.al figure, while the underparts are working: so that in effect, the adviser copies after the man he pretends to direct. This method should, methinks, encourage young beginners: for the invention is so fitted to all capacities, that by the help of it a man may make a receipt for a poem. A young man may observe, that the jig[91] of the thing is, as I said, finding out all that can be said of his way [whom]

you employ to set forth your worthy. Waller and Denham had worn out the expedient of "Advice to a Painter."[92] This author has transferred the work, and sent his advice to the Poets; that is to say, to the turners of verse, as he calls them. Well, that thought is worn out also, therefore he directs his genius to the loom, and will have a new set of hangings in honour of the last year in Flanders. I must own to you, I approve extremely this invention, and it might be improved for the benefit of manufactory: as, suppose an ingenious gentleman should write a poem of advice to a calico-printer: do you think there is a girl in England, that would wear anything but the taking of Lille, or the Battle of Oudenarde? They would certainly be all the fas.h.i.+on, till the heroes abroad had cut out some more patterns. I should fancy small skirmishes might do for under-petticoats, provided they had a siege for the upper.

If our adviser were well imitated, many industrious people might be put to work. Little Mr. Dactile, now in the room, who formerly writ a song and a half, is a week gone in a very pretty work upon this hint: he is writing an epigram to a young virgin who knits very well ('tis a thousand pities he is a Jacobite); but his epigram is by way of advice to this damsel, to knit all the actions of the Pretender and the Duke of Burgundy last campaign in the clock of a stocking. It were endless to enumerate the many hands and trades that may be employed by poets, of so useful a turn as this adviser's. I shall think of it; and in this time of taxes, shall consult a great critic employed in the custom-house, in order to propose what tax may be proper to put upon knives, seals, rings, hangings, wrought-beds, gowns and petticoats, where any of those commodities bear mottoes, or are worked upon poetical grounds.

St. James's Coffee-house, April 15.

Letters from Turin of the 3rd instant, N.S., inform us, that his Royal Highness employs all his address in alarming the enemy, and perplexing their speculations concerning his real designs the ensuing campaign.

Contracts are entered into with the merchants of Milan, for a great number of mules to transport his provisions and ammunition. His Royal Highness has ordered the train of artillery to be conveyed to Susa before the 20th of the next month. In the meantime, all accounts agree, that the enemy are very backward in their preparations, and almost incapable of defending themselves against an invasion, by reason of the general murmurs of their own people; which, they find, are no way to be quieted, but by giving them hopes of a speedy peace. When these letters were dispatched, the Marshal de Thesse was arrived at Genoa, where he has taken much pains to keep the correspondents of the merchants of France in hopes, that measures will be found out to support the credit and commerce between that state and Lyons. But the late declaration of the agents of Monsieur Bernard, that they cannot discharge the demands made upon them, has quite dispirited all those who are engaged in the remittances of France.

From my own Apartment, April 15.

It is a very natural pa.s.sion in all good members of the commonwealth, to take what care they can of their families. Therefore I hope the reader will forgive me, that I desire he would go to the play, called the "Stratagem,"[93] this evening, which is to be acted for the benefit of my near kinsman, Mr. John Bickerstaff.[94] I protest to you the gentleman has not spoken to me to desire this favour; but I have a respect for him, as well in regard to consanguinity, as that he is an intimate friend of that famous and heroic actor, Mr. George Powell, who formerly played Alexander the Great in all places, though he is lately grown so reserved as to act it only on the stage.[95]