The Tatler Volume Iii Part 19

Let me beg of you to write to me often; though at the same time I must confess, your letters give me anguish whilst they give me pleasure."

_Third Letter._

"It is impossible to conceive how much I languish for you in your absence; the tender love I bear you is the chief cause of this my uneasiness, which is still the more insupportable, because absence is wholly a new thing to us. I lie awake most part of the night in thinking of you, and several times of the day go as naturally to your apartment, as if you were there to receive me; but when I miss you, I come away dejected, out of humour, and like a man that had suffered a repulse.

There is but one part of the day in which I am relieved from this anxiety, and that is when I am engaged in public affairs.

"You may guess at the uneasy condition of one who has no rest but in business, no consolation but in trouble."

I shall conclude this paper with a beautiful pa.s.sage out of Milton,[167]

and leave it as a lecture to those of my own s.e.x, who have a mind to make their conversation agreeable as well as instructive, to the fair partners who are fallen into their care. Eve, having observed that Adam was entering into some deep disquisitions with the angel, who was sent to visit him, is described as retiring from their company, with a design of learning what should pa.s.s there from her husband.

_So spake our sire, and by his countenance seemed Entering on studious thoughts abstruse, which Eve Perceiving where she sat retired in sight, With lowliness majestic from her seat Rose, and went forth among her fruits and flowers.

Yet went she not, as not with such discourse Delighted, or not capable her ear Of what was high: such pleasure she reserved, Adam relating, she sole auditress; Her husband the relater she preferred Before the angel, and of him to ask Chose rather: he, she knew, would intermix Grateful digressions, and solve high dispute With conjugal caresses; from his lip Not words alone pleased her. O! when meet now Such pairs, in love and mutual honour joined?_

[Footnote 165: Bacon, Essay viii., "Of marriage and single life": "It is one of the best bonds, both of chast.i.ty and obedience, in the wife, if she thinks her husband wise, which she will never do if she finds him jealous."]

[Footnote 166: "Epist.," vi. 4, 7, 5.]

[Footnote 167: "Paradise Lost," viii. 39.]

No. 150. [STEELE.

From _Thursday, March 23_, to _Sat.u.r.day, March 25, 1710_.

Haec sunt jucundi causa, cibusque mali.

OVID, Rem. Amor. 138.

_From my own Apartment, March 24._

I have received the following letter upon the subject of my last paper.

The writer of it tells me, I there spoke of marriage as one that knows it only by speculation, and for that reason he sends me his sense of it, as drawn from experience:

"MR. BICKERSTAFF,

"I have read your paper of this day, and think you have done the nuptial state a great deal of justice in the authority you give us of Pliny, whose letters to his wife you have there translated: but give me leave to tell you, that it is impossible for you, that are a bachelor, to have so just a notion of this way of life, as to touch the affections of your readers in a particular wherein every man's own heart suggests more than the nicest observer can form to himself without experience. I therefore, who am an old married man, have sat down to give you an account of the matter from my own knowledge, and the observations which I have made upon the conduct of others in that most agreeable or wretched condition.

"It is very commonly observed, that the most smart pangs which we meet with are in the beginning of wedlock, which proceed from ignorance of each other's humour, and want of prudence to make allowances for a change from the most careful respect to the most unbounded familiarity. Hence it arises, that trifles are commonly occasions of the greatest anxiety; for contradiction being a thing wholly unusual between a new married couple, the smallest instance of it is taken for the highest injury; and it very seldom happens, that the man is slow enough in a.s.suming the character of a husband, or the woman quick enough in condescending to that of a wife. It immediately follows, that they think they have all the time of their courts.h.i.+p been talking in masks to each other, and therefore begin to act like disappointed people. Philander finds Delia ill-natured and impertinent; and Delia, Philander surly and inconstant.

"I have known a fond couple quarrel in the very honeymoon about cutting up a tart: nay, I could name two, who after having had seven children, fell out and parted beds upon the boiling of a leg of mutton. My very next neighbours have not spoken to one another these three days, because they differed in their opinions, whether the clock should stand by the window, or over the chimney. It may seem strange to you, who are not a married man, when I tell you how the least trifle can strike a woman dumb for a week together. But if you ever enter into this state, you will find, that the soft s.e.x as often express their anger by an obstinate silence, as by an ungovernable clamour.

"Those indeed who begin this course of life without jars at their setting out, arrive within few months at a pitch of benevolence and affection, of which the most perfect friends.h.i.+p is but a faint resemblance. As in the unfortunate marriage, the most minute and indifferent things are objects of the sharpest resentment; so in a happy one, they are occasions of the most exquisite satisfaction.

For what does not oblige in one we love? What does not offend in one we dislike? For these reasons I take it for a rule, that in marriage, the chief business is to acquire a prepossession in favour of each other. They should consider one another's words and actions with a secret indulgence: there should be always an inward fondness pleading for each other, such as may add new beauties to everything that is excellent, give charms to what is indifferent, and cover everything that is defective. For want of this kind propensity and bias of mind, the married pair often take things ill of each other, which no one else would take notice of in either of them.

"But the most unhappy circ.u.mstance of all is, where each party is always laying up fuel for dissension, and gathering together a magazine of provocations to exasperate each other with when they are out of humour. These people in common discourse make no scruple to let those who are by know they are quarrelling with one another, and think they are discreet enough, if they conceal from the company the matters which they are hinting at. About a week ago, I was entertained for a whole dinner with a mysterious conversation of this nature; out of which I could learn no more, than that the husband and wife were angry at one another. We had no sooner sat down, but says the gentleman of the house, in order to raise discourse, 'I thought Margarita[168] sung extremely well last night.' Upon this, says the lady, looking as pale as ashes, 'I suppose she had cherry-coloured ribands[169] on.' 'No,' answered the husband, with a flush in his face, 'but she had laced shoes.'[170] I look upon it, that a bystander on such occasions has as much reason to be out of countenance as either of the combatants. To turn off my confusion, and seem regardless of what had pa.s.sed, I desired the servant who attended to give me the vinegar, which unluckily created a new dialogue of hints; for as far as I could gather by the subsequent discourse, they had dissented the day before about the preference of elder to wine vinegar. In the midst of their discourse, there appeared a dish of chickens and asparagus, when the husband seemed disposed to lay aside all disputes; and looking upon her with a great deal of good nature, said, 'Pray, my dear, will you help my friend to a wing of the fowl that lies next you, for I think it looks extremely well.'

The lady, instead of answering him, addressing herself to me, 'Pray, sir,' said she, 'do you in Surrey reckon the white- or the black-legged fowls the best?' I found the husband changed colour at the question; and before I could answer, asked me, whether we did not call hops 'broom' in our country? I quickly found, they did not ask questions so much out of curiosity as anger: for which reason I thought fit to keep my opinion to myself, and, as an honest man ought (when he sees two friends in warmth with each other), I took the first opportunity I could to leave them by themselves.

"You see, sir, I have laid before you only small incidents, which are seemingly trivial; but take it from a man who am very well experienced in this state, they are princ.i.p.ally evils of this nature which make marriages unhappy. At the same time, that I may do justice to this excellent inst.i.tution, I must own to you, there are unspeakable pleasures which are as little regarded in the computation of the advantages of marriage, as the others are in the usual survey that is made of its misfortunes.

"Lovemore and his wife live together in the happy possession of each other's hearts, and by that means have no indifferent moments, but their whole life is one continued scene of delight. Their pa.s.sion for each other communicates a certain satisfaction, like that which they themselves are in, to all that approach them. When she enters the place where he is, you see a pleasure which he cannot conceal, nor he or any one else describe. In so consummate an affection, the very presence of the person beloved has the effect of the most agreeable conversation. Whether they have matter to talk of or not, they enjoy the pleasures of society, and at the same time the freedom of solitude. Their ordinary life is to be preferred to the happiest moments of other lovers. In a word, they have each of them great merit, live in the esteem of all who know them, and seem but to comply with the opinions of their friends, in the just value they have for each other."

[Footnote 168: Francesca Margarita de l'Epine, a native of Tuscany. This celebrated singer performed in many of the earlier Italian operas represented in England. She and Mrs. Tofts were rivals for the public favour, and it seems they divided pretty equally the applause of the town. She sung on the stage, at public entertainments, in concerts at York Buildings and Stationers' Hall, and once in the hall of the Middle Temple, in a musical performance at the Christmas revels of that society. One Greber, a German musician, who studied some few years in Italy, brought this Italian with him to England, whence she was known by the name of Greber's Peg. It is said that she had afterwards a criminal connection with Daniel Earl of Nottingham. In a shrewd epigram written by Lord Halifax, she is styled "The Tawny Tuscan," and he is called "Tall Nottingham." Margarita continued a singer till about the year 1718, when, having, as Downes relates, sc.r.a.ped together above ten thousand guineas, she retired, and was afterwards married to Dr.

Pepusch. The epithet "tawny" was very characteristic of her, for she was remarkably swarthy, and in general so dest.i.tute of personal charms, that her husband seldom called her by any other name than Hecate, to which she answered very readily. She died about 1740. See Sir J. Hawkin's "History of Music," vol. v. p. 153 (Nichols).--The statement that she had an improper connection with the Earl of Nottingham appears to rest solely on statements in party poems of the time.]

[Footnote 169: Ladies wore "commodes" as head-dresses, sometimes backed by dark-coloured ribbons. The prevailing fas.h.i.+on about 1712 was cherry colour; see _Spectator_, No. 271.]

[Footnote 170: In a song in D'Urfey's "Wit and Mirth"--"The Young Maid's Portion"--the lady speaks of her laced shoes of Spanish leather. Malcolm says that Spanish leather shoes laced with gold were common about this time (Planche's "Cyclopaedia of Costume").]

No. 151. [STEELE.[171]

From _Sat.u.r.day, March 25_, to _Tuesday, March 28, 1710_.

----Ni vis boni In ipsa inesset forma, haec formam extinguerent.

TER., Phorm. I. ii. 58.

_From my own Apartment, March 27._

When artists would expose their diamonds to an advantage, they usually set them to show in little cases of black velvet. By this means the jewels appear in their true and genuine l.u.s.tre, while there is no colour that can infect their brightness, or give a false cast to the water.

When I was at the opera the other night, the a.s.sembly of ladies in mourning[172] made me consider them in the same kind of view. A dress wherein there is so little variety, shows the face in all its natural charms, and makes one differ from another only as it is more or less beautiful. Painters are ever careful of offending against a rule which is so essential in all just representation. The chief figure must have the strongest point of light, and not be injured by any gay colourings that may draw away the attention to any less considerable part of the picture. The present fas.h.i.+on obliges everybody to be dressed with propriety, and makes the ladies' faces the princ.i.p.al objects of sight.

Every beautiful person s.h.i.+nes out in all the excellence with which Nature has adorned her: gaudy ribands and glaring colours being now out of use, the s.e.x has no opportunity given them to disfigure themselves, which they seldom fail to do whenever it lies in their power. When a woman comes to her gla.s.s, she does not employ her time in making herself look more advantageously what she really is, but endeavours to be as much another creature as she possibly can. Whether this happens, because they stay so long, and attend their work so diligently, that they forget the faces and persons which they first sat down with, or whatever it is, they seldom rise from the toilet the same women they appeared when they began to dress. What jewel can the charming Cleora place in her ears, that can please her beholders so much as her eyes? The cl.u.s.ter of diamonds upon the breast can add no beauty to the fair chest of ivory which supports it. It may indeed tempt a man to steal a woman, but never to love her. Let Thalestris change herself into a motley parti-coloured animal: the pearl necklace, the flowered stomacher, the artificial nosegay, and shaded furbelow,[173] may be of use to attract the eye of the beholder, and turn it from the imperfections of her features and shape. But if ladies will take my word for it (and as they dress to please men, they ought to consult our fancy rather than their own in this particular), I can a.s.sure them, there is nothing touches our imagination so much as a beautiful woman in a plain dress. There might be more agreeable ornaments found in our own manufacture, than any that rise out of the looms of Persia.

This, I know, is a very harsh doctrine to womankind, who are carried away with everything that is showy, and with what delights the eye, more than any other species of living creatures whatsoever. Were the minds of the s.e.x laid open, we should find the chief idea in one to be a tippet, in another a m.u.f.f, in a third a fan, and in a fourth a farthingale. The memory of an old visiting lady is so filled with gloves, silks, and ribands, that I can look upon it as nothing else but a toy-shop. A matron of my acquaintance complaining of her daughter's vanity, was observing, that she had all of a sudden held up her head higher than ordinary, and taken an air that showed a secret satisfaction in herself, mixed with a scorn of others. "I did not know," says my friend, "what to make of the carriage of this fantastical girl, until I was informed by her elder sister, that she had a pair of striped garters on." This odd turn of mind often makes the s.e.x unhappy, and disposes them to be struck with everything that makes a show, however trifling and superficial.

Many a lady has fetched a sigh at the toss of a wig, and been ruined by the tapping of a snuff-box. It is impossible to describe all the execution that was done by the shoulder-knot[174] while that fas.h.i.+on prevailed, or to reckon up all the virgins that have fallen a sacrifice to a pair of fringed gloves.[175] A sincere heart has not made half so many conquests as an open waistcoat,[176] and I should be glad to see an able head make so good a figure in a woman's company as a pair of red heels.[177] A Grecian hero,[178] when he was asked whether he could play upon the lute, thought he had made a very good reply when he answered, "No, but I can make a great city of a little one." Notwithstanding his boasted wisdom, I appeal to the heart of any toast in town, whether she would not think the lutenist preferable to the statesman. I do not speak this out of any aversion that I have to the s.e.x: on the contrary, I have always had a tenderness for them; but I must confess, it troubles me very much to see the generality of them place their affections on improper objects, and give up all the pleasures of life for gewgaws and trifles.

Mrs. Margery Bickerstaff, my great aunt, had a thousand pounds to her portion, which our family was desirous of keeping among themselves, and therefore used all possible means to turn off her thoughts from marriage. The method they took was, in any time of danger to throw a new gown or petticoat in her way. When she was about twenty-five years of age, she fell in love with a man of an agreeable temper, and equal fortune, and would certainly have married him, had not my grandfather, Sir Jacob, dressed her up in a suit of flowered satin; upon which, she set so immoderate a value upon herself, that the lover was contemned and discarded. In the fortieth year of her age, she was again smitten, but very luckily transferred her pa.s.sion to a tippet, which was presented to her by another relation who was in the plot. This, with a white sarcenet hood, kept her safe in the family till fifty. About sixty, which generally produces a kind of latter spring[179] in amorous const.i.tutions, my Aunt Margery had again a colt's-tooth[180] in her head, and would certainly have eloped from the mansion-house, had not her brother Simon, who was a wise man, and a scholar, advised to dress her in cherry-coloured ribands,[181] which was the only expedient that could have been found out by the wit of man to preserve the thousand pounds in our family, part of which I enjoy at this time.

This discourse puts me in mind of a humorist mentioned by Horace,[182]

called Eutrapelus, who, when he designed to do a man a mischief, made him a present of a gay suit; and brings to my memory another pa.s.sage of the same author, when he describes the most ornamental dress that a woman can appear in with two words, _simplex munditiis_,[183] which I have quoted for the benefit of my female readers.

[Footnote 171: This paper, though not included in Addison's Works, may, as Nichols suggested, be his. Two slight corrections were made in the following number in the folio issue.]