Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 6

"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have to find with your husband."

And the wife was explicit: "He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"

"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving all your a.s.sertions."

"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why, everybody knows it."

"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry him?"

"I didn't know it before I married him."

The husband interrupted angrily: "Yes, she did, too," he shouted. "She did so!"

DOCTORS.

A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, a.s.sured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.

"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a great deal of experience with this disease."

The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner: "Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen years."

A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So, presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked: "Did that other doctor take your temperature?"

The sick man shook his head doubtfully.

"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so far is my watch."

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the blackboard in his cla.s.s-room: "Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."

When he returned to the cla.s.s-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:

"G.o.d save the King."

The Chinaman expressed his grat.i.tude to that mighty physician Sing Lee, as follows: "Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly more sick. Me get Doctor Hang s.h.i.+. Takee him medicine. Velly bad-think me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon.

Him busy-no can come. Me get well."

The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.

"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than the other." He addressed one of the students: "Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"

Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction: "I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."

The physician turned from the telephone to his wife: "I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy-he's sick."

"Is it serious?"

"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book on what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she mustn't do it."

DOCTRINE.

In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were p.r.o.ne to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own particular tenets. For example, one distinguished minister announced his text and introduced his sermon as follows: "'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King's table, and he was lame on both his feet.'

"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of human depravity.-Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of total depravity-he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine of justification-for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of adoption-'he did eat at the King's table.' Fifth, the doctrine of the perseverance of the saints-for we read that 'he did eat at the King's table continually.'"

DOc.u.mENTARY EVIDENCE.

During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German, and offered as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along. He pointed to the signature of the accused. It read: "V. Gates."

DOGS The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching at some sc.r.a.ps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.

"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.

The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured an a.s.sent.

The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking: "And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."

Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynical sentiment: "The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs."

The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail of the dachshund.

"What's the big idea?" he inquired.

"That," the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me remember an errand."

The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.

"That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful."

During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody was starving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner. The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly: "How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"

The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely from time to time.

"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.

"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.

The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.

"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it, and call it a dog."

The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog: "You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to lock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed in time to get up again.

"Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, sc.r.a.p some vit my vife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty of fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die, you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."

Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such is obviously the case of the actor named in this story.

The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog, a splendid St. Bernard. A pa.s.ser-by admired the animal, and inquired as to the breed. The maid said: "I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am a full-blood Sam Bernard."

DOMESTIC QUARRELS.

After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman: "Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"

"No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.

"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"

"Ah sho'ly is."

"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.

The explanation was simple and sufficient: "He died."

The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a pa.s.sion finally declared: "I'm going home to my mother!"

The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew out his pocketbook.

"Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your railroad fare."

The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband scornfully: "But that isn't enough for a return ticket."

The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night, discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness, and then remarked: "John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his own wife is a-talkin' to him?"

"Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off your mind."

DOUBT.

Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which had dealt with the sheep and the goats.

"Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb, and father calls me kid."

Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but it may degenerate into a vice.

Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friend glumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this explanation was forthcoming: "It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to go to the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it."

DRAMA.

The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre; at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand.

"Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"