Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 10

FLOWERS.

Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning- "An attachment a la Plato For a bashful young potato."

Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life. Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the following paragraph: "At -- Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding was solemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard --, eldest son of Mr. and Mrs. --, and a bouquet of pink carnations."

FOG.

The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.

"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously.

A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond: "Into the river-I've just come out!"

FOLLIES.

A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most astonis.h.i.+ng follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself. The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they would only wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that they should run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women would surely run after them.

FOOD.

The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk concerning his experiences.

He explained that a point further north would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical time.

A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a comment as the speaker paused: "But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless."

The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering.

"I spoke," he elucidated, "in a-er-culinary sense."

The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.

"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."

FOREHANDEDNESS.

The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.

FORESIGHT The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall; the mistress preferred the west wall.

The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall.

"That," he said to himself, "will save my lugging the steps up here again to-morrow, when he has come around to agreeing with her."

FORGETFULNESS.

The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the s.h.i.+ftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men slouching past him.

"Hi, you! where are you going?"

"Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de mill wid dis-heah plank."

"Plank? What plank? Where's the plank?" the foreman demanded.

The colored spokesman looked inquiringly and somewhat surprisedly at his own empty hands and those of his companion, whom he addressed good-naturedly: "Now, if dat don't beat all, George! If we hain't gone an' clean forgitted dat plank!"

Two men met on the city street in the evening, and had a number of drinks together. The one who lived in the suburbs became confidential, and exhibited a string tied around a finger.

"I don't dare to go home," he explained. "There's something my wife told me to do, without fail, and to make sure I wouldn't forget, she tied that string around my finger. But for the life of me I can't remember what the thing was I am to do. And I don't dare to go home!"

A few days later the two men met again, this time in the afternoon.

"Well," the one asked, "did you finally remember what that string was to remind you of?"

The other showed great gloom in his expression, as he replied: "I didn't go home until the next night, just because I was scared, and then my wife told me what the string was for all right-she certainly did!" There was a note of pain in his voice. "The string was to remind me to be sure to come home early."

The clergyman drew near to the baptismal font, and directed that the candidates for baptism should now be presented. A woman in the congregation gave a gasp of dismay and turned to her husband, whom she addressed in a strenuous whisper: "There! I just knew we'd forget something. John, you run right home as fast as you can, and fetch the baby."

FORM.

The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a letter from the company, which was so courteous and logical that he was greatly soothed.

His mood changed for the worse, however, when he happened to glance at his own letter, which had been enclosed through error. On the margin was jotted in pencil: "Send this guy the bed-bug letter."

A worker in the steel mills applied direct to Mr. Carnegie for a holiday in which to get married. The magnate inquired interestedly concerning the bride: "Is she tall or short, slender or plump?"

The prospective bridegroom answered seriously: "Well, sir, I'm free to say, that if I'd had the rollin' of her, I sure would have given her three or four more pa.s.ses."

FRAUD.

The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real diamond.

"If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."

FRIENDs.h.i.+P.

The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with downcast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking very miserable and lonely indeed.

"Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically.

The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained: "I have one friend-but I hate him!"

The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the congregation. The letter opened in this form: "Dear Friends: "I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so well."

FRENCH.

An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to the station. He therefore addressed a pa.s.ser-by in the best French he could recollect from his college days, misp.r.o.nouncing it with great emphasis. He voiced his request for information as follows: "Pardonnez-moi. J'ai quitte ma train et maintenant je ne sais pas ou le trouver encore. Est-ce que vous pouvez me montrer le route a la train?"

"Let's look for it together," said the stranger genially. "I don't speak French, either."

FUSSINESS.

The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush, nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin regarded his operations with rounded eyes, and at last broke forth: "By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet much trouble to yerself?"

GENDER.

It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the following question, because they are not always learned in the Old Testament.

"If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah, what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?"

Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was the father of Joab, necessarily. That is not the correct answer. The trouble is that Zeruiah was a woman. And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing whatever to do with the case.

GENTLEMAN.

There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in prefixing un to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. A contributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows: "Sir-I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this- "'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally.'"

GEOGRAPHY.

The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing. Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had arrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly a.s.sembled. The answer was explicit: "You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot."

GHOSTS.

There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all the superst.i.tious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts, and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid, he would pa.s.s the night alone in the haunted house. A score of other darkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not, however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until his reappearance after the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself to the haunted house for the night.

When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him was found. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missing negro.