Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 14

Then he went back to his job. And there, presently, the lawyer sought him out again.

"It's your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer explained. "He has died in Texas, and left you forty thousand dollars."

O'Toole leaned heavily on his pick, and shook his head in great weariness.

"I don't think I can take it," he declared. "I'm not as strong as I wance was, and I mis...o...b.. me that I could go through all that money and live."

In a London theatre, a tragedy was being played. The aged king tottered to and fro on the stage as he declaimed: "On which one of my two sons shall I bestow the crown?"

A voice came down from the gallery: "Hi saye, guv'nor, myke it 'arf a crown apiece."

Said one Tommy to another: "That's a snortin' pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?"

"It was pussonal property of a Boche what tried to take me prisoner," was the answer. "Inherited it from him."

INITIATIVE.

The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying: "It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair."

"I shouldn't be surprised," the child replied musingly. "But," she added proudly, "kicking her in the s.h.i.+ns was entirely my own idea."

INJUSTICE.

The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A pa.s.ser-by asked him what was the matter.

"My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," the boy wailed.

"Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response.

The child bawled the louder.

"An' ma she promised me that I could drown 'em."

INNOCENCE.

A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a desire to come in. The following was the dialogue: "I wants to tum in, Sissy."

"But you tan't tum in, Tom."

"But I wants to."

"Well, I'se in my nightie gown an' nurse says little boys mus'n't see little girls in their nightie gowns."

There was a period of silence during which the astonished little boy reflected on the mystery. It was ended by Sissy's calling out: "You tan tum in now, Tom-I tooked it off."

The very young clergyman made his first parochial call. He tried to admire the baby, and asked how old it was.

"Just ten weeks old," the proud mother replied.

And the very young clergyman inquired interestedly: "And is it your youngest?"

INQUISITIVENESS.

In the smoking car, one of the pa.s.sengers had an empty coatsleeve. The sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said: "I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost an arm."

The one-armed man picked up the empty sleeve in his remaining hand, and felt of it with every evidence of astonishment.

"Bless my soul!" he exclaimed. "I do believe you're right."

The curiosity of the pa.s.senger was excited by the fact that his seatmate had his right arm in a sling, and the following dialogue occurred: "You broke your arm, didn't you?"

"Well, yes, I did."

"Had an accident, I suppose?"

"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."

"My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the back for?"

"Just for minding my own business."

INSOMNIA.

The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher.

INSULT.

The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the day's work.

"Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!"

"Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?"

"By your mother!" the wife declared, and sobbed aloud.

The husband was aghast, but inclined to be skeptical.

"By my mother, Ella? Why, dearest, that's nonsense. She's a hundred miles away."

"But she did," the wife insisted. "A letter came to you this morning, and it was addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I opened it."

"Oh, yes, of course," Willie agreed, without any enthusiasm.

"And it was written to you all the whole way through, every word of it, except--"

"Except what?"

"Except the postscript," the wife flared. "That was the insult-that was to me." The tears flowed again. "It said: 'P. S.-Dear Ella, don't fail to give this letter to Willie. I want him to read it.'"

Tom Corwin was remarkable for the size of his mouth. He claimed that he had been insulted by a deacon of his church.

"When I stood up in the cla.s.s meeting, to relate my experience," Corwin explained, "and opened my mouth, the Deacon rose up in front and said, 'Will some brother please close that window, and keep it closed!'"

INSURANCE.

The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts paid, etc.

"So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my house burns down. But do

you ask questions about how the fire came to start?"

"We make careful investigation, of course," the agent replied.

The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly.

"Just as I thought," she called over her shoulder. "I knew there was a catch in it."

INTERMISSION.

During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the audience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying: "Meanwhile, in order to pa.s.s the time, we will proceed with the lecture."

INVENTORS.

The profiteer, skimming over the advertis.e.m.e.nts in his morning paper, looked across the damask and silver and cut gla.s.s at his wife, and remarked enviously: "These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet that feller Vacuum has cleared millions."

ITEMS.

The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on various pictures in a convent.

The statement was as follows: Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments 6.00 Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon on his bonnet 3.06 Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and mended his bill 4.08 Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and straightened his eye 2.06 Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian Angel 5.06 Washed the servant of the High Priest and put carmine on his cheeks 2.04 Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the sun and cleaned the moon 8.02 Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored some souls 3.06 Revived the flames of h.e.l.l, put a new tail on the devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd jobs for the d.a.m.ned 4.10 Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and dressing on his sack 2.00 Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his wig 3.07

Cleaned the ears of Balaam's a.s.s, and shod him 2.08 Put earrings in the ears of Sarah 5.00 Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's hand and extended his legs 2.00 Decorated Noah's Ark 1.20 Mended the s.h.i.+rt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned the 1.00 -- 53.83.

JOKES.

The joke maker's a.s.sociation had a feast. They exploited their humorous abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the entertainment. He consented, in response to much urging, to offer a conundrum: "What is the difference between me and a turkey?"

When none could guess the answer, the glum individual explained: "I am alive. They stuff turkeys with chestnuts after they are dead."