Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 28

"Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he had been told: "I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized country to come and live in this lonesomeness."

"Fact was," the man from Iowa explained somberly, "I didn't exactly like it down there any more.

You see, it was this way. They got to telling things about me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief, and no better than I ought to be. And, by Jemima, I jest pulled out and went right away from them scandalous folks."

"Well, I swan!" the visitor exclaimed indignantly. "You can bet I wouldn't leave a place for any reason like that. I'd make them prove what they said."

The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered: "That's jest the trouble-they did prove it!"

THREAT.

The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as the ogre approached forceps in hand: "Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's again."

THRIFT.

A Scotchman was questioned by a friend: "Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."

"Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near-veera near-doin' it, but the bit la.s.sy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And I was a mon, and noo I jist pa.s.s her by."

The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapproval as he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side.

"William Henry," she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so, and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'."

TIME FLIES.

The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours-first nine, then ten, then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth pa.s.sionately: "How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"

"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock."

t.i.t FOR TAT.

The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly distressed, and reproached the farmer.

"Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just beat him off, without killing him?"

"I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the other end."

TOBACCO.

The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger: "Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins-ninety-eight year old!" The visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerable citizens attributed their long life.

"It's kind o' which and t' other," the native confessed. "Obadiah declares its all along o' his chewin'

an' smokin' an' snuffin' day in an' day out, fer nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he has his health becase he never touched the filthy weed."

TOILETTE DETAILS.

The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner.

"Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mother asked.

"I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy," the child replied seriously. "I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out."

TONGUE.

An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others. As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands worn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She therefore took occasion to visit the clergyman, and harangued him at length on the sinfulness of pride. Then she exhibited a pair of scissors, and suggested that she should cut down the offending neckbands to a size fitting her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently to her exhortation, and at the end offered her the neckbands on which to work her will. She triumphantly trimmed them to her taste, and returned the shorn remnants to the minister.

"And now," said the Doctor, "you must do me a good turn also."

"That I will, Doctor," the woman declared heartily. "What can it be?"

"Well," the clergyman explained, "you have something about you which is a deal too long and which causes me and many others such trouble, that I should like to see it shorter."

"Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify you. What is it? See, here are the scissors! Use them as you please."

"Come, then," said the Doctor, "good sister, put out your tongue."

TREACHERY.

The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes. He was a.s.sured, however, that a snake would never strike until after sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch, the Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He lifted his legs carefully, with the intention of darting away on the other side of the log the moment the rattles should sound their warning. But just as his feet cleared the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs were buried in the wood only the fraction of an inch below the Italian's trousers. The frightened man fled

madly, but he took breath to shriek over his shoulder: "Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?"

TREASURE TROVE.

An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind, almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn, where he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had observed the man's entrance, and after getting his shotgun, he hurried to the barn.

"I got you!" he cried savagely. "Dog gone you! I got you!"

The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the mow, and showed his toothless gums in a grin, as he answered: "An' a great git you got!"

TRIAL.

The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked: "Are you guilty, or not guilty?"

The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he said: "Now, suh, boss, ain't dat perzakly de ting we'se done gwine diskiver in dis-yere trial?"

TRIPLETS.

When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered out of the house, celebrated the occasion with many friends in a number of saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in the morning when he entered the house. A nurse hurried to him, and undid some wrappings that revealed three tiny faces. The father stared reproachfully at the clock in the hall, and then, again regarding his group of children, spoke earnestly: "Oi'm not superst.i.tious, but Oi thank hivin Oi didn't come home at twelve!"

TRUTH-TELLERS.

The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women are liars, for Punch records the following as the dialogue between her and her mother when she had been caught in a fib: Mother: "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty. Those who do so, never go to heaven."

Kitty: "Don't you ever tell an untruth, Mummy?"

Mother: "No, dear-never."

Kitty: "Well, you'll be fearfully lonely, won't you, with only George Was.h.i.+ngton?"

TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR.

The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocent enough, for his concluding sentence was: "The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable."

But the merry compositor inserted a period, which was left undisturbed by the proofreader, so that the published statement ran: "The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing. That was remarkable."

The poet, in a fine frenzy, dashed off a line that was really superb: "See the pale martyr in his sheet of fire."

The devilish compositor so tangled the words that, when the poem was published, this line read: "See the pale martyr with his s.h.i.+rt on fire."

The critic, in his review of the burlesque, wrote: "The ladies of Prince Charming's household troops filled their parts to perfection."

The compositor, in his haste, read an n for the r in the word parts, and the sentence, thus changed, radically in its significance, duly appeared in the morning paper.

VALUES.

An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of the wife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved widower. She uttered her formal expressions of sympathy with him in his grief over the loss of his wife, and she was then much disconcerted by his terse optimistic comment: "But it's a good thing, your ladys.h.i.+p, that it wasn't the cow."

Wives are to be had for the asking; cows are not.

VANITY.

The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinking herself beautiful.

"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded.

"Then, my daughter," the confessor bade her, "go in peace, for to be mistaken is not to sin."