Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 34

A GOOD PLAN.

She: "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can we give them?"

"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."

ENFRANCHIs.e.m.e.nT OF WOMAN.

First Voter: "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of course?"

Second Voter: "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."

FAMILIARITY, ETC.

"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"

"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except intimate friends."

REa.s.sURING.

She: "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"

He: "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years without knowing love when I feel it."

HOW IT HAPPENED.

"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met until a week ago."

"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught in a thunder storm."

A LINGUIST.

"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."

"In what way?"

"She can keep silence in four different languages."

THE DIFFERENCE.

She: "I'm so glad we're engaged."

He: "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"

She: "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."

THE ROAD TO--, ETC.

"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions."

"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world."

CLa.s.sIFIED.

Mrs. Bargain: "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the money for a new hat."

Mr. Bargain: "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"

A SOLUTION.

The Mistress: "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would have returned them unopened."

The Maid: "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist back unopened?"

ENCOURAGING.

He: "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?"

She: "Er-that clock is half an hour fast."

AN ALIAS.

Miss Hen: "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as 'Chanticleer'!"

Lady (to prospective daily housemaid): "The hours will be from nine to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."

D. H.: "For luncheon, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."

CHANGING PLACES.

"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."

"She has evidently reversed the order of things."

"How so?"

"She does the dictating now."

ECONOMY.

Young Husband: "I see that sugar has gone down two points."

Young Wife: "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."

Best Man (seeing couple off on honeymoon): "Here you are-just a few magazines to help pa.s.s away the time."

Hostess (to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the cakes): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you, John?"

John: "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"

Mr. Househunter: "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day. The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."

Mrs. Househunter: "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither very wide nor very high."