Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 6

9 Best Ways To Propose (With How To Turn Them Down).

1. I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Reply : I don't mind where you die.. as long as you do!

2. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

Reply : So, how many times did you fail kinder garden?

3. Are your legs tired? Because you been running through my mind ALL day long.

Reply : Yes, they are. I've been running away from you!

4. Are you lost? Because it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

Reply : How many times have you been to heaven, anyway?

5. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

Reply : Yeah.. why don't you walk by and just keep walking!

6. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

Reply : What are you on? Crack or cocaine?

7. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Reply : (too corny.. maybe a disgusted look would be enough) 8. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.

Reply : You can be sure of going to h.e.l.l.. your stupidity will a.s.sure you of a place!

9. if I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

Reply : So, that's your problem.. simple algebra!

Smuggling.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand a.n.a.lyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. The next day, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Fart Mistake.

A woman goes into a store to buy a fis.h.i.+ng rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarra.s.sed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

What Are You Thinking.

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hugh, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your p.o.r.nography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of G.o.d, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into h.e.l.l where you will cry and gnash your teeth."

Hugh decides that this will be easy for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following behind.

About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans over towards Hugh and yells "t.i.ts!!" and a trap door opens and Hugh falls down into h.e.l.l.

St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your s.e.xy looks. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of G.o.d, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into h.e.l.l where you will cry and gnash your teeth."

They begin there long trek down the tunnel. About half way down St.

Peter leans over towards Heather and a trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into h.e.l.l.

Cool Quiz.

A Sardarji went to a Quiz contest. There were 6 questions.

The questions were as follows:

1) How long was the 100 year war?

A) 116 B) 99 C) 100 D) 150.

2) In which country are the Panama hats made?

A) BRASIL B) CHILE C) PANAMA D) EQUADOR.

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A) JANUARY B) SEPTEMBER C) OCTOBER D) NOVEMBER.

4) Which of these is King George VI first name?

A) EDER B) ALBERT C) GEORGE D) MANUEL.

5) The Canary islands in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal?

A) CANARY BIRD B) KANGAROO C) PUPPY D) RAT.

6) How long did the 30 year war last?

A) 25 B) 30 C) 31 D) 29 Naturally, Sardar thought the questions were too tough, so he gave up and went home.

If you think you are indeed clever and laughed at our Sardar's dilemma, then check the answers below: 1) the 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453.

2) the Panama hat is made in Equador.

3) The October revolution is celebrated in November.

4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.

5) Puppy. The latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of the puppies.

6) Yes it lasted 30 years. At last our hilarity is justified!

.......and you LAUGHED AT THE SARDAR!!!

Golfing Trip.

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three b.a.l.l.s to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00 Sleeve of golf b.a.l.l.s: $3,000.00.

Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf b.a.l.l.s?"

I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf b.a.l.l.s cost."

"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the b.a.l.l.s!"

In The Marine.

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia. The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people. There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected. The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can. After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath. The colonel bellows, "Did that hurt?" Then the soldier says "No Sir." The colonel shouts, "Why not?" Then the soldier says, "Because I am a marine!" The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap. After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers, "Did that hurt?" The soldier responds, "No Sir." And the colonel says "Why not?" Then the soldier shouts, "Because I am a marine!"

The colonel gets up to the third squad leader. He notices that there is an erection between his legs. The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the erection with it. The man barely makes a sound. The colonel asks him "Did that hurt?" And the soldier says "No Sir." Then the colonel shouts, "Why not?"Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, "Because it was his."