Jokes Book Collection Part Viii Part 4

U never have a "residence" tel. no., U have a "home" no.

U never have a "office" tel. no., U have a "work" no.

U don't stop at the "signals", but halt at the "lights".

U don't "accelerate", U "step on the gas".

Your tyre never "punctures", U may have a "flat".

The trains have "coaches" or "boggies' .,.no more ! but "carriages" or "boxes".

There are no "petrol pumps", but "gas stations".

"I don't know nothing", 2 negatives don't make a positive here.

U no longer meet a "wonderful" person, U meet a "cool" guy U don't pull the switch down to light a bulb, rather flickit up.

U don't "turn on the heat", U "turn on the juice".

There's no "Business Area" ... only "business districts",and no "districts" but counties".

No one stays "a stone's throw away", rather "a few blocksaway".

There's no "Town Side", it's "Down Town".

In hotel U no longer ask for "bill" and pay by "cheque", rather ask for "check" and pay with "bill"s ( dollar ).

There R no "soft drinks", only "sodas".

Life's no longer "miserable" it "stinks".

U don't have a "great" time, U have a "ball".

U don't "sweat it out", U "work U'r b.u.t.t off".

Never "post" a letter, always "mail" it and "glue" the stamps, don't stick" them.

U no longer live in "flats" , U live in "apartments".

U don't stand in a "queue", you are in a "line".

no longer "like" something, U "appreciate" it.

"#" is not "hash", it's "pound".

U R not "deaf", U have "impaired hearing".

U R not "lunatic", U are just "mentally challenged".

U R not "disgusting" U R "sick".

U can't get "surprised" U get "zapped".

U don't "schedule" a meeting, U "skejule" it.

U never "joke", U just "kid".

U never "increase" the pressure, U always "crank" it up.

U never ask for a pencil "rubber" U ask for an "Eraser".

a rubber is a condom!!!! ??? !!!

U don't try to find a "lift"... U find an "Elevator".

U no more ask for a "Route" but for a "RAUT"

U don't ask somebody "How r u ?", U say "What's up dude?" or U say " How U DOIN"

>U never go to "see" a game U go to "watch" a game.

>If U see "World" champions(or Series), read "US" champions(or Series).

>There's no "zero" but "O", no "Z" but "zee".

>There's no FULL STOP after a statement, there's a PERIOD.

>If someone gets angry at U, U get "flamed".

>U "Drive" Ur car on "Parkways" and always "Park" your car in the "DriveWay"!

>You do not ask for "brinjal" ... ask for "EggPlant" ..

>also there are no "lady's finger" ..its "Okra" !

>You do not say " He is a trouble creator " .. rather u say "He's a pain in my a.s.s" !

>U do not say .. "its a trivial job" .. u say "its a seat of the pants work".

>Well u dont' say "life is boring" u say "LIFE SUCKS" !!!!!

>In short U don't speak "English", U speak "American".

Reasons why LIFE without a Girlfriend is not BAD... after all

1. You can stare at any girl without being glared at by another.

2. You don't have to spend money on her.

3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.

4. NO girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.

5. If u don't have a girlfriend ,she can't dump u.

6. Having a girlfriend is hot,not having a girlfriend is automatically cool!, and every one love to be a cool guy.

7. There can be more to live than just waiting for the b.l.o.o.d.y phone to ring.

8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining "right" and "wrong" for u.

9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.

10.You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.

11.You won't have to waste paper writing love letters No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop/place.

12.You can have more guy friends, as u will have more time for them.

13.You wont have to see boring love stories instead of action thrillers .

14.You wont have to lie to anybody and, therefore ,u'll sin less.

15.You get to give more flowers on rose day. dream about her.

17.You wont have to fight over having a "special" friend with ur folks.

18.No nonstop nonsense.

19.You wont have to drown in the pool of her tears!!!

20.No tension.

21.You can be "urself"

22.You wont have to hide the telephone bills.

* On my hair dryer instructions: Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap, it says: Directions: Use like regular soap.

* I have a frozen dinner at home that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tirimisu Dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box). I........

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

* On Boots Children's Cough Syrup: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children..