Jokes Book Collection Part Viii Part 12

US Declares, 'Veerappan Is Osama Bin Laden'

In what can only be described as bizarre, the US Department of Defense has released information, which describes notorious sandalwood smuggler Veerappan as none other than America's most wanted person, Osama Bin Laden. The Pentagon yesterday called a news conference where it distributed the report of its 'intelligence' agencies* that claimed that Osama Bin Laden had already escaped Afghanistan and Veerappan was his alter ego.

The President of USA, George Dubya Bush Jr., is now contemplating attacks on India. So far he has not received any support from his Western allies. Pentagon officials now say that Osama Bin Laden was frequently visited by Nedumaran and asked to fight as Veerappan as a hero of the LTTE. Now RAW and the IB are investigating claims whether Osama Bin Laden (a.k.a Veerappan) had a part to play in the a.s.sa.s.sination of Rajiv Gandhi.

When reporters asked how Osama could be Veerappan, Mr. Donald Rumsfeld said, "If George Bush Jr., can be the President of America, why can't OBL be Veerappan." He later added that in order to hide his ident.i.ty, Osama had an array of plastic surgeons at his disposal and could morph himself into any person.

These claims are stoutly being denied by the States and the Centre. Everyone seems to be keen on having a say. "America's campaign against Iraq is going nowhere. That is why America has started this rumour," the chief minister of Andhra Pradesh said.

Meanwhile the Pentagon is trying to garner support to attack India. When asked about its plans to attack Iraq, the Secretary of Defence answered, "Actually we were not really interested in attacking Iraq. We were only interested in attacking a country starting with the letter 'I'. And since India has more letters than Iraq, the President has now changed his rhetoric. Also we have had a request from the PM of Australia to target India in view of its performance in the Champions trophy played in Sri Lanka.'

One country that has fully supported this unprecedented move is Pakistan. The President/CEO/Managing Director of Pakistan, General Musharraf has expressed his delight at the dramatic turn of events. 'You see, our planes can't fly that far to Iraq but since India is our next door neighbour, we won't even be needing planes. Of course we have always given moral and diplomatic support and will continue to do so but this takes it to a whole new level and we will be now supporting the Jehadis in a new way.

When asked by the reporters how, he responded, "So far we have only been writing 'go go you Kashmiri mujahadeen' on the back of a cla.s.sified Pakistan Army paper. But now we will give them that piece of paper in the barrel of an AK-47 and thus help our ally, the US and still support the freedom struggle."

*Editor: Readers may kindly note that Indus Inquirer had revealed Osama's true ident.i.ty way back in April 2002 with its sensational expose, 'Osama bin Laden and Veerappan are one and the same person'. (Indus Inquirer archives: April 6, 2002).

A s.h.i.+p sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere with

A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman B. 2 French men and 1 French woman C. 2 German men and 1 German woman D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman G. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman H. 2 American men and 1 American woman I. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

One month later, on various parts of the island,the following was observed: A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the italian woman.

B The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.

C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.

E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.

F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.

G. The two Irish men began by dividing up their part of the island into northern & Southern parts, and by setting up adistillery. They don't remember the Irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey; but at least the english are not getting any.

H. The two American men are contemplatingsuicide. The American woman is going on about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, the equal division of the household ch.o.r.es.......

I. The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.

1. I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

2. Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid? I sc.r.a.ped my knee when I fell for u.

3. I hope you have a library card because I'm checking you out.

4. Your tag says Made in USA, but I could've sworn u were made in Heaven.

5. Hey lady, those are some nice clothes,can I take you out of them?

6. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

7. Is your dad a terrorist? Cause baby you r a bomb!

8. My love for you is like diarrhoea, I just can't hold it in.

9. Your parents must be r.e.t.a.r.ded, because you are special.

10. Want to play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while You blow the h.e.l.l out of me.

11. If you were a burger at McDonald's, I'd call you McBeautiful.

12. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past u again?

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the Public Announcement system. "As soon as I clock off" he said to himself, "I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw off that blonde flight attendant." The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the c.o.c.kpit, but tripped over in the aisle.

A little old lady sitting there whispered, "There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first."

A pirate steps into a pub for a drink...

Bartender: "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

Pirate: "We were sailing the seas when a big old shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and he bit off me leg."

Bartender: "Where did you get that hook then?"

Pirate: "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

Bartender: "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

Pirate: "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

Bartender: "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

Pirate: "First day with the hook..."

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talc.u.m powder?"

She gives him some talc.u.m powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty p.i.s.sed. "Where the h.e.l.l have you been?!?!" she screams.

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, "You liar! You went bowling again!"

Pregnancy and the Electric Company.

> >A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: > >"Darling, I have great news I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

> > The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

> >The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill: > >"Are you Mrs.Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

> >"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

> >"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

> >"What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely."

> >"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

> >"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"

> >"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

> >"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

> >"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

> >"And what would my wife do then?"

> >"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes. I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

The text of the letter Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee sent to US President Bill Clinton.

Dear President Saab, Namaskar!

Hope this letter finds you in the pink of your health & happiness.

I am pleased to inform you that we have successfully completed the underground nuclear tests here in india. In this letter, I would like to explain why I conducted these tests.

1. It was in our party manifesto.

2. You were taking away all the global media attention along with your Ms.Monikaji.