Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 7

"Huey" said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".

"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?".

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".

"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my f.u.c.king day".

Three Tough Cowboys.

There was these three tough cowboys sitting in a saloon feeling pretty thirsty. So the first tough cowboy goes up to the bar.

First tough Cowboy, "Three beers for three tough cowboys."

Barman, "So you think your tough do you."

The first tough cowboy doesn't say a word he takes off his glove and places his hand on the bar, gets out his colt 45. The barman jumps backwards. First tough cowboy, "Shoot my finger off." The barman grab the gun "bang" shoots his finger off. The first tough cowboy doesn't say a word just puts his glove on and stands at the bar.

Barman says, "Now that's the toughest thing I have seen today, here's your three beers."

The first tough cowboy grabs the beers and takes them to the table. They finsh them in one go. Then the second tough cowboy gets up and moves across to the bar.

Second tough cowboy, "Three beers for three tough cowboys."

Barman says, "So you think your tough do you."

The second tough cowboy doesn't say a word he takes off his boot and sock and places his foot up on the bar, gets out his silver colt 45 and places it on the bar. Second tough cowboy, "Shoot my toe off." "Bang" the barman shoots his toe off. The second tough cowboy doesn't say a word just puts his sock and boot back on without making a sound.

Barman says, "Now that is tough here's your three beers on the house."

The second tough cowboy takes them back to the table and they empty them in one go.

The third tough cowboy gets up and approaches the bar he walks up one hand on his hip and the other swing quiet outrageously.

"Three beers for three tough cowboys, pleeea.s.se"

"So you think your tough do you"

The third tough cowboy doesn't say a word just undoes his fly and flops his d.i.c.k onto the bar. Shocked the barman cries, "You don't want me to shoot that off do you?"

"No just touch it a few times and it will shoot it's self off."

Three Tough Mouse.

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the gla.s.s onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appet.i.te, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each gla.s.s into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies. "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bulls.h.i.+t. I gotta go home and f.u.c.k the cat."

Trying to get the Date Drunk.

A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand.

He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's going on.

"Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"?

The man smiles at him , winks and says "I'm trying to get my date drunk".

Two Men at a Bar.

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken s.h.i.+t."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather s.h.i.+t in her pants."

Two Salesman in a Bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my f.u.c.king a.s.s!"

Too late -- he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If I don't sell more a.s.s this month, I'm going to lose my f.u.c.king car!"

Warm Beer.

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. so he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer. Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is p.i.s.sed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill. The bartender thinks: "okay, business is business" and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note. The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says: "there is your f.u.c.king change!"

The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says: "Gimme another beer!"

Weird Family.

A regular customer walked into a gay bar and ordered three martinis in a row. "Say, anything wrong?" asked the bartender. "I've had quite a shock," the man confessed. "I just found out my brother's a queer." "Could be worse," the bartender pointed out. "Yeah, I suppose you're right...but my other brother's gay, too." The bartender raised his eyebrows. "Doesn't anyone in your family go for women?" "Yeah...my sister."

A different version of the above...