Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 30

Three Pastors in Heaven.

Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van blew a tyre and skidded across the cliffside road, and went over the cliff. Sadly, they were all killed.

At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.

Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, "You hypocrite!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...' 'Money THAT...'. Yet you've h.o.a.rded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named 'Penny,' isn't that so?" he demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir, That's true..."

"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you-know-where, but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!" And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed. "All YOU ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL! 'The bottle THIS...' and 'The bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named 'Sherry', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.

"Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no h.e.l.l for you either. But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate, either. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began.

The third Pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walkin', f.a.n.n.y."

(Note to US readers - UK version of 'f.a.n.n.y' - as in 'p.u.s.s.y', not 'b.u.t.t').

Three Rooms to Choose from.

A guy dies and is sent to h.e.l.l. He's met by a devil who explains the rules: "We have three rooms. If you don't like the first room, you can go look at the other two, but you can't go back to the first."

The devil takes the guy to the first room. Inside people are standing upside down on hot coals. The guy wipes his brow to clear the sweat and says "Nope... Not for me!"

The devil then takes him to the second room and warns him before he opens the door, says, "If you don't like it here, you must take the third and final room."

The devil opens the door and inside people are standing on their heads in molten lava. Again the guy wipes his brow and says, "Nope... Not for me, either."

Finally, the devil brings him to the third and last room. Inside people are standing knee-deep in s.h.i.+t, drinking coffee. "Hey I lucked out," the guy says. "These people seem nice. I like coffee and I can probably get used to the smell. I'll take this one."

Five minutes later, the same devil returns and shouts out, "Coffee break's over! Everybody back on your heads!"

Two a.s.sholes.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his a.s.s and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."

The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe looked down at his a.s.s and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."

The mortician said "How can you tell?"

Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two a.s.sholes."

"What? He had two a.s.sholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yeh, everyone in town knew he had two a.s.sholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a.s.sholes!'"

Two Evil Brothers.

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new a.s.sembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Visiting h.e.l.l.

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later......

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

White and a Black Man in h.e.l.l.

A white and a black man were sent to h.e.l.l for sinful lives. When they got there, they stood in front of the devil and awaited punishment.

The white man came forward first. The devil told him to drop his pants, and he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his p.e.n.i.s and it slowly and painfully melted away.

With the white man laying on the ground in pain the black man stepped forward. The devil told him to drop his pants, and, with a smirk on his face he did.

Then the devil grabbed a hold of his p.e.n.i.s... nothing happened, and the black man begun to laugh.

The bewildered devil asked the man what was so funny.

The black man replied, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands."

A Musical Discovery.

A medical student was in the morgue one day after cla.s.ses, getting a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's r.e.c.t.u.m. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again ... Just can't wait to get on the road again ... "

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the r.e.c.t.u.m. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again ... Just can't wait to get on the road again ... "

"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any a.s.shole can sing country music."

Anatomy Cla.s.s.