Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 79

Pulled over by a State Trooper.

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was f.u.c.ked."

Rabbit Test.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten racc.o.o.n. The racc.o.o.n is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Snoring Air Force Guy.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine a.s.sured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Speeding at Golden Gate Bridge.

Nelson, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fis.h.i.+ng. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the pa.s.senger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding.

Wouldn't you know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand & motioned him to the side of the bridge. Nelson pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?" Nelson thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"

"67 mph, son! - 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer" replied Nelson, "Why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Nelson's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fas.h.i.+on, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Nelson, in his stained fis.h.i.+ng attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!

Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Nelson answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Nelson's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a b.u.m like you have?"

"I'm a r.e.c.t.u.m stretcher!" replied Nelson.

"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a r.e.c.t.u.m stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a r.e.c.t.u.m stretcher do?"

Nelson explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked "What the h.e.l.l do you do with a six foot a.s.shole?"

Nelson nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Stolen Car.

Whilst walking his beat, a policeman is bemused to find a young man, clearly drunk, staggering about with a key in his hand.

"They've stolen my car," the drunk shouts. "It was right here earlier, right on the end of this key."

"More importantly, sir," the policeman says, "are you aware that your p.e.n.i.s is hanging out?"

"Oh my G.o.d!" wails the drunk. "The b.a.s.t.a.r.ds have got my girlfriend as well."

Stopped by a Cop.

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer pa.s.ses 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

The cop let him go.

The Camel.

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural s.e.xual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

The Captain got a foot stool, climbed up on it and proceeded to have vigorous s.e.x with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was b.u.t.toning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."