Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 87

Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine." She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't.

He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with p.u.s.s.ies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented... and the one on the top was the 'perfect' p.u.s.s.y."

She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"

He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"

Crotchless Panty.

Mongo's old lady decided she wanted to do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties.

That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle. "Hi honey," she purred s.e.xily. "Y'all want some of this?"

"h.e.l.l, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it's done to your undies!"

Emotion Party.

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "Theme Party - Come dressed as a Human Emotion".

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, with his p.e.n.i.s stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his p.e.n.i.s stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Gee, guys, what the h.e.l.l are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies, "Well, I'm f.u.c.king discustad, and my friend here has come in despair.

Fancy Costume.

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no s.h.i.+rt and no socks on.

"What the h.e.l.l are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n." said the man "I just came in my pants!"

Gastronomical Bean Story.

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening pa.s.sion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarra.s.sing and somewhat lively reaction upon him. By and by he met a girl and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans (they were married shortly thereafter).

Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because of the misfortune, and that he would have to walk home.

On his way home he pa.s.sed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any ill effects of the beans before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe.

Before he had left he had eaten three large portions of the baked beans. All the way home he putt- putted, and after arriving, he felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last.

His wife seemed somewhat agitated but excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the dining room table. He seated himself, and just as he was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold till she returned, and then went to answer the phone.

Seizing the opportunity, he s.h.i.+fted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming upon him, so he s.h.i.+fted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner.

While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes until he knew the phone farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contentedly to himself, was the very picture of innocence, when his wife returned, apologizing for taking so long.

She asked if he had peeked and he, of course, a.s.sured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his big SURPRISE.

Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARTY for him!

Gra.s.s Sandwich.

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have s.e.x with her, and says, "In America, we call this a gra.s.s sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a gra.s.s sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

Halloween Costume.

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume.

He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party."

By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. One is a set of three white b.u.t.tons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the h.e.l.l are these for?"

The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white b.u.t.tons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie, and if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your a.s.s and go as a fudgesickle

Preacher at the Party.

A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered.

Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now."

"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already."

Valentine's Card.

Last year my wife said all she wanted for Valentine's Day was "the card." I picked out a real expensive one and thought the matter closed.

She got mad with me anyway.

Turns out the card she wanted was her own Visa Platinum.