Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 95

The Dead Frog.

One day a twelve-year-old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, he slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."

The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "she has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve-year-old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the b.a.s.t.a.r.d that ran over my frog.

Three Flies.

OK, so there were these three flies, and they decided to spend the night in a woman's body.

The first one went in between the b.o.o.bs, the second went up the a.s.s and the third went in the p.u.s.s.y.

They all woke up the next morning and were talking about their nights.

The first one said, "I had a great night, sleeping between two pillows."

The second one said, "Same with me except for the fact that I could swear that, well...it smelt almost like home in there."

The third one looked REALLY tired and said; "I had a horrible night. Every quarter of a second this little bald guy came in and spat on me!!!"

Two Mice in a Bathroom.

Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub. The first mouse looks over to his friend and, referring to the toilet, asks, "Wanna go for a swim?"

The second mouse quickly replies. "Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!!!"

"Well, why not?" says the first mouse.

"Well," starts his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming around and minding my own business and all of a sudden it got real dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and if somebody wouldn't have thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"

Whale of a Job.

There were two whales out at sea, when the male whale seen the boat that killed his father. He asked the female whale if she would help him turn the boat over, she agreed.

They got under the s.h.i.+p and blew water out their blowholes as hard as they could and the boat capsized and all the sailors started swimming to the sh.o.r.e.

The male whale then turned to the female whale and asked her to gobble up as many of the sailors as she could.

The female whale said "Hey, I agreed to the b.l.o.w.j.o.b, but I'm not going to swallow seamen.

Young Rooster.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young c.o.c.k from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Zebra on a Farm.

A zebra was visiting a farm. "Hi," she said to the rooster. "What do you do here?"

"I make sure everyone gets up on time for a nice early start on the day," he replied.

"How about you?" she asked a cow.

"I supply the farmer and his family with fresh milk, so they can make b.u.t.ter and cheese," the cow said.

"And what's your job on the farm?" the zebra asked a stallion.

"Get out of those fancy striped pajamas," he answered, "and I'll show you."

Altar ng Dalanginan.

Noong unang panahon may tatlong magkakaibigan na nagpunta sa kabundukan ng Mt. Makiling upang mag-hunting. Isang taga-Maynila, isang taga-Ilokos, at isang taga-Batangas.

Sa paghahanap nila ng mababaril na usa at baboy-damo napasuot sila sa isang tribo ng mga katutubo. Sila ay hinuli at iniharap sa pinaka-hari ng tribu. Hinatulan sila ng kamatayan sa pamamagitan ng pagpugot g kanilang ulo kung hindi masisiyahan sa kanilang mga sagot sa anumang itatanong ng anak na prinsesa ng hari.

Unang tinanong ang Manila boy ...

Prinsesa : "Anong tawag mo rito? sabay turo sa pisngi ng prinsesa.

Manila Boy : "Mahal na princesa ang tawag po namin diyan ay 'Pisngi'".

Hindi nasiyahan ang prinsesa kaya pinugutan ng ulo si Manila Boy.

Sumunod na tinanong ang Ilokano ...

Prinsesa: "Ikaw ginoo, anong tawag mo rito? sabay turo sa mukha.

Ilokano : "Mukha" po mahal na prinsesa ang tawag po namin diyan".

Hindi rin nasiyahan ang prinsesa. Pugot ulo rin si Ilokano.

Takot na takot na si Batanguenio pero sumagot siya nang tanungin ng prinsesa ...

Prinsesa : "Ikaw ginoo, anong tawag mo rito?"

Sagot : "Ang tawag po namin diyan sa Batangas mahal na Princesa ay "dambana ng tuwa, galak at pag-galang".

Princesa : "Ipaliwanag mo ang iyong kasagutan, ginoo".

Sagot : "Kasi sa amin po pag kami ay natuwa, nagalak o kaya ay gumalang, kami po ay humahalik diyan".

Prinsesa: sabay turo sa dibdib/suso "anong tawag mo rito?"

Sagot : "Mahal na prinsesa, tawag po namin diyan ay "bukal ng buhay at kalusugan, kasi diyan po umiinom ang mga bata upang mabuhay at maging malusog".

Prinsesa : sabay turo sa bandang sikmura/tiyan, "anong tawag mo rito?"

Sagot : "bartolina po, kasi siyam na buwan nakukulong ang aming mga anak diyan"

Prinsesa : "anong tawag mo rito? sabay taas ng palda at itinuro ang ari na walang suot na panty (hindi pa uso noon).

Sagot : sabay luhod at nag-antada ng krus , mahal na prinsesa, tawag po namin diyan ay "ALTAR NG DALANGINAN" kasi diyan po namin itinitirik ang aming mga kandila!

Nasiyahan ng husto ang Prinsesa. Pinalaya si Mr. Batangas.