Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 144

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.

Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several p.o.r.n movies hidden there.

Worse: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fas.h.i.+on.

Bad: He's a cross dresser.

Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Worse: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting..

Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.

Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your daughter has a new boyfriend, and wants to get married.

Bad: She's pregnant, and it's his.

Worse: He's your illegitimate son from an affair you had many years ago.

Good: You get into bed, and she's feeling h.o.r.n.y tonight.

Bad: You are drunk, and are feeling tired.

Worse: You forgot her mother is staying over, and you've entered the wrong room.

Best Feature.

Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that he has nothing under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The fl.u.s.tered, embarra.s.sed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!".

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these b.r.e.a.s.t.s! they are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - That was me!"

Brain Teasers.

There is one word in the English language that is always p.r.o.nounced incorrectly. What is it?

A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?

There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken gla.s.s on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?

How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?

If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, ma.s.s, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?

What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up? (hint... chim chimminy) If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

(answers are at the end of the page) The word "incorrectly."

1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.

White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.

Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.

None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.) Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...

The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

An umbrella.

One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

The temperature.

Broadway Show.

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the meanest way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.

He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and n.o.body was watching, so he decided to take a leak right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"

Bubba, the Kid from the Neighborhood.

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest p.e.n.i.s he had ever seen!!!

The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your d.i.c.k get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."

Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"

The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself.

Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"

Buying a Farm Proposal.