Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 19

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite s.e.x without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your a.s.s kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-s.p.a.ce continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Silly Cow.

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.

"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

What's that disease?

A guy picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.

When he takes off his shoes and socks, his toes are dreadful deformed.

"Eeek!" says the girl.

"Don't worry," says the guy, "I used to have toe-lio."

"You mean polio?"

"No, toe-lio." Says the guy as he continues to undress. When he takes off his pants, his knees are horribly deformed.

"Eeek!" says the girl.

"Don't worry," says the guy, "I used to have the knee-sles."

"You mean measles?"

"No, knee-sles." Says the guy as he continues to undress. When he takes off his underpants the girl says, "Don't tell me. Small-c.o.c.ks!"

Anti-men Jokes.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A: Both of them.

Q: What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?

A: Lawnmowers don't b.i.t.c.h after they cut the gra.s.s.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?

A: A s.e.x-change operation.

Q: What do men think the only difference is between Father's Day and those other 364 days?

A: The card.

Q: Why did G.o.d create man?

A: She didn't. Her husband did.

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?

A: His brains fall out.

Q: If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all there?

Q: Why do women fake o.r.g.a.s.m?

A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little b.a.l.l.s in your hand?

A: A man's undivided attention.

Q: Why do men float better then women?

A: 'Cause men are sc.u.m!

Q: Why do men have a hole in the end of their p.e.n.i.s?

A: So they can get some air to their brains.

Q: Why did the blonde refuse to go in a submarine?

A: She was worried it might sink

Q: What do you call a girl who commits petty crimes.

A: Miss Demeaner

Q: What do you call a girl that can't shoot straight?

A: Miss Fire

Q: What will happen if Satan ever loses his hair?

A: There'll be h.e.l.l toupee!

Q: What's the meaning of the term "Egghead"?

A: Its something that Mrs. Dumpty does for Mr. Humpty.

The barbeque Blonde.

A blonde goes into a local super-market with a disposable barbeque that she bought the day before. The picture on the carton shows loads of succulent food. When she gets to the customer service desk she starts complaining that there's no food inside!

The a.s.sistant patiently explains, "It's a disposable barbeque tray. There's supposed to be no food inside."

"OK. I understand." says the blonde. "One more question. Does that mean I can take the other one out of the freezer?"

The evil Sergeant.

A guy is standing in line waiting to get his Army discharge papers. Suddenly the meanest sergeant in the regiment marches up to him and shouts, "Once your discharged, I bet you'll be waiting for me to die, so you dance on my grave?"

"No Sergeant." Replies the private "When I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again."