Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 27

Virus alert!

Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out there called the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced Anti-Virus programs cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect people who were born before 1958!

Symptoms of C-Nile Virus: 1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank e-mails.

3. Causes you to send e-mails to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to wonder who all the people in your address book are.

7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

h.e.l.l.

A young lady comes home from a date and is rather sad.

"What's wrong?" asks her mother.

"O, Tony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" asks her mum.

"Because he's an atheist and doesn't want a church wedding. He doesn't even believe there's a h.e.l.l!"

"Marry him anyway." The mother replies. "I'm sure we'll be able to change his mind on that!"

The end is near.

Two guys are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

They hold up the sign to each pa.s.sing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the next bend the guys hear the screeching of tires, a scream and then a big splash.

"Do you think," says one of the guys to his pal, "we should just change the sign to 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large gla.s.s of A-positive blood."

The bartender looks him and says, "Sorry mate, but we don't serve your type here."

"Do you want a game of Darts?" a guy says to a mate.

"OK then." His pal replies. "Nearest to the bull starts."

"Yea."

"Moo." Says the pal, "I think I'm closest."

I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris."

He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

A guy says to his Gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" asks the instructor.

"Well" says the guy, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Saddam's doctor calls a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes at a secret location.

"Well Men, I've got some good news and some bad news!"

"The good news is Saddam is alive!"

"The bad news is he lost an arm, and the operations start tonight!"

At a paternity trial a blonde's lawyer asks, "On the night of July 16th, at 11:45 pm, in the location generally known as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have s.e.xual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the blonde.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?"

the lawyer continues.

"Oh no," she replies, "I'm pretty sure he had a Volvo."

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left tibia is shorter than the right one. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I'd probably limp as well."

A woman walks into a chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Do you sell extra large size condoms here?"

"Yes we do." He replies, "Would you like to buy some?"

"No thanks." She says, "but would you mind if I wait around here until I meet a guy who does?"

The show off ape.

An ape lives in the jungle with all his mates. He's a special ape, a bit of a show off, always swinging through the trees performing stunts and acrobatics. All is well until one day he has a serious fall. He lands badly breaks both his knees. Well his mates are gutted, and so they rally around and carry him to a doctor.

The doctor examines him and says, "Sorry pal your acrobatic days are over. Unless, unless we can get two replacement knee caps." Well kneecaps replacements are hard to find in the jungle, so the animals have a whip round. They raise the princely sum of 1 penny. They give the money to a tiger and send him to the nearest medical supply centre.

The tiger treks for days with the money, but eventually finds the centre. When he gets to the front of the queue he pulls out the cash and says, "Do you have two ape knees for a penny?"

Young woman.

A young woman is having a physical examination and was embarra.s.sed because of a weight problem. As she removed her knickers she blushes. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she says, "I guess I let myself go."

While the physicians checks hers eyes and ears he says, "Don't feel ashamed Miss. You look fine."

"Do you really think so?" she asks.

The doctor holds a tongue depressor in front of her face and says, "Of course. Now open your mouth and say moo."

The midget.

The h.o.r.n.y midget found that the best way to 'get off' with women was to use the direct approach. So he goes up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and says, "Hey, baby, what do you say to a little f.u.c.k?"

She looked down at him and replies, "h.e.l.lo, little f.u.c.k!"

A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and says, "I, need, to see the upturn, please."

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination."

"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the girl replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

Q and A Jokes.