Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 29

Language How to says, "I Love You"

English I Love You Albanian Une Te Dua Arabic Ana Bhibbik Catalan Testimo Molt Chinese Wo Ai Ni Eskimo Nagligivaget Finnish Mina Rakkastan Sinua French Je T'aime German Ich Liebe Dich Greek S'Agapo Hawaiian Aloha Wau la Oe Hebrew Ani Ohev Otakh Hungarian Se Ret Lay Irish Thaim In Grabh Leat Italian Ti Amo j.a.panese Ai s.h.i.+te Imasu Maltese ien Inhobbok Persian Du Stet Daram Romanian Te iubesc Russian Ya Lyublyu Tyebya Spanish Te Amo Swedish Jag Alskar Dig Turkish Seni Seviyorum

Q: Why don't Mastercard and visa work in France?

A: Because the French don't know how to charge!

TV Remote.

While waiting in supermarket checkout queue, I noticed that the woman in front of me fumbling in her handbag for her purse. As she rummaged in the bag a TV remote feel out. Picking it up for the fl.u.s.tered lady I asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote?"

"No," she replied, "my husband refused help me with the shopping with me, so I figure this was the best way to make sure he gets some exercise."

Gone fis.h.i.+ng.

I guy has a terrible day fis.h.i.+ng on the lake and doesn't catch a single fish On his way home, he stops at the supermarket and orders two trout He asks the a.s.sistant, "When you've bag the fish up could you throw them to me, because I want to be able to tell the wife I caught them!"

What a Turkey.

A lady is looking at the frozen turkeys in a supermarket. She can't find one that's big enough for her family so she asks a kid that's stocking shelves, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The kid replies, "No love, they stop growing when they're dead!"

The restaurant.

A married couple show up at a very popular restaurant. It's so crowded and noisy that when the husband goes up to the hostess and asks, "Will it be long?" The hostess ignores him completely and keeps writing in her reservation book. The husband asks again, "How long will the wait be?"

The hostess looks up from her book and says, "About ten minutes. Take a seat in the bar and I'll call you when a table's ready."

About ten minutes later they hear an announcement, which explains the husbands encounter with the hostess, "Willette B Long, your table is now ready!"

Young girl.

A young girl hadn't hand been feeling sick in the mornings so she went to her family doctor. The doctor ran a couple of tests and then told her, "Your pregnant."

The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice s.e.x with our eyes!"

"Well," says the doc "I can only a.s.sume that some of them in the colony are c.o.c.keyed."

The rude dentist.

A woman goes to her dentist's and after he's given her a through examination he says, "I am sorry to have to tell you, that I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman says, "No! O G.o.d, I'd rather have a baby!"

The dentist replies, "Make your mind up love, I'll have to adjust the chair."

Two priests.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there's no soap. Father John says, "I've got some soap in my room I'll go and get it." Not bothering to dress he walks back to his room, thinking it's late no one will see me.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers. Halfway down the hall he sees three nuns heading his way so he freezes like a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like the status looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his d.i.c.k. Startled the priest drops a bar of soap "Oh look" says the nun, "its a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his d.i.c.k sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of G.o.d - It gives Hand cream as well!"

Three Tramps.

A tramp walks into a pub "Get out," shouts the barman, "we don't serve tramps."

The tramp replies, " I don't want a drink, I just want a c.o.c.ktail stick."

The barman is confused, but wants to get rid of him, so gives him a c.o.c.ktail stick and sends him on his way.

5 minutes later another tramp walks into the pub "Get out," shouts the barman, "we don't serve tramps." The tramp replies, "I don't want a drink, I just want a c.o.c.ktail stick." The barman is even more confused, but just wants a quiet life, so gives him a c.o.c.ktail stick and sends him on his way.

5 minutes later, a third tramp walks into the pub "Get out," shouts the barman, "we don't serve tramps, I've already told your mates, now on your way." The tramp says, "I don't want a drink, I just want a straw." Now the barman is really confused.

"What the h.e.l.l do you want a straw for?" asks the barman.

"Well" says the tramp, "someone's been sick outside and all the good bits have gone!"

The Elevator.

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Smith became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr.

Smith, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Smith was halfway to the car park with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't" his wife replied consolingly. "I did!"

A son.

A couple have eight daughters and desperately want a son. On their ninth attempt they are finally blessed with a boy. They are so overjoyed that they invite all their friends to a lavish party to celebrate the birth. While the party is in full swing one of the guests approaches the father to congratulate him. "So tell me," he says, "who does your little boy take after? Does he look like you, or his mum?" The father thinks for a while and says, "Well, to be honest, I don't know. We haven't looked at his face yet!"

Q: What do men and clouds have in Common?

A: When they both clear off it would be a nice day!

The future.

A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" the husband asks.

After some thought, the wife replies, "I'll probably look for a house share with three other single women. It might fun to share with women a little younger than myself, as I've always been so active."

"What will you do if I die first?" the wife asks.

We a cheeky smile the husband replies, "Probably the same."

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.

Patient: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: I'm really sorry, but we've amputated your legs by mistake.

Patient: You've what! Amputated my legs. What the h.e.l.l is the good news?

Doctor: The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.