Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls Part 19

She shrugs. "My dad really loves them. Got me into them. I'm not big on their stuff after O Brother, though."

"Not even No Country For Old Men?" I ask her, amazed that we have this of all things in common.

"Haven't seen it. Maybe after we could go watch it together," she suggests.

"Sounds good."

And it is. Which is exactly what I'm trying to tell Ally the next day after school on our way to my place to do homework.

"You really hung out with Nikki?"

"For the seventieth time. Yes. We did a Coen Brothers marathon."

"That must have been fun for everyone," she says snarkily.

"It was. She loves them. We had a cool night."

Ally doesn't look too thrilled to hear that. Which is weird, since me being friends with other girls was her idea.

"Huh. I mean, she sounds great. You just don't usually hang out with girls you sleep with."

"You got me thinking," I tell her. "Maybe I should be friends with some of them. Have stimulating conversations. You're evolving. I'm evolving."

"Evolving takes time," she says crossly. "It's a process, not a destination."

But I'm psyched about this idea and keep riffing off it. "We're the poster children for modern relations between the s.e.xes."

"Well, in our case, it's kind of easy," she says. "I mean I know you way too well to ever consider an actual relations.h.i.+p with you. Can you imagine?"

We walk past the first of three identical houses, located right before mine, that are fronted by white picket fences. Ally peers at me as if she expects an answer.

I blink because I've just seen Ally and me pop up in the first yard. I shake my head sharply but the hallucination doesn't go away.

The me in the yard is fixing my bike. Ally wears headphones and waters the garden.

I start as the real Ally's voice keeps talking.

"The wedding would be a fiasco as all your past conquests pack the church, weeping about their loss of your magical p.e.n.i.s," she tells me.

I try to keep up a bantering tone with her, even though I'm still confused about what I'm seeing.

"I'd be generous," I front. "Maybe do a couple of them to put them out of their misery. Right before I said my vows of course."

My hallucination self sneaks up behind the hallucination Ally, grabs the hose, and fires it at her.

"No doubt," real Ally says.

We pa.s.s the first yard. I glance back but the vision is gone.

I relax as we pa.s.s the second yard because it's clear.

That's because apparently we were fooling around in the car parked at the curb this time. Hallucination Ally and I pop up in the front seat. Our hair is disheveled and our clothes are misb.u.t.toned.

What the h.e.l.l is going on?

Real Ally hasn't noticed anything weird because she's rambling on with her little spiel.

"Then you'd knock me up," she says.

"What?" I ask, a little sharply.

She frowns. "After we're married."

"Oh. Right."

"I'd be left alone to raise your sp.a.w.n," she continues. "Meanwhile you're gadding about, spreading your seed, while I pa.s.s my peak s.e.xual years trying to entice delivery boys inside for a series of free meals."

I'd laugh except I'm freaking out at the sight of me pulling a grinning Ally toward me and out of view of the car window.

I crane forward. What are we doing down there? I can't see inside far enough.

And I'm becoming aware of real Ally standing beside me, glowering at me.

Is she waiting for me to say something? "Think of the ethnic variety though," I shoot back.

I'm starting to panic. Am I going insane? Over Ally? The final house we pa.s.s features the two of us, cuddled in the yard in a hammock. Just being close.

"You and me," Ally says beside me. "Day in, day out, for the rest of our lives. Till death do us part."

My hallucination self freezes in mid-stroke of Ally's hair at those words.

I'm having trouble breathing and my alternate self isn't looking too good either because he bolts from the hammock, dislodging alter-Ally and racing out of the yard.

I think I might pa.s.s out.

"Yeah," I say, as we head up my front walk. "That would be a total disaster."

To put it mildly.

Chapter twenty-two.

It wasn't supposed to turn into this. I was just annoyed that Sam had had fun hanging out with another girl that he wasn't sleeping with.

That's our thing. Was our thing.

Whatever.

I stomp into his house behind him, silently fuming.

I certainly didn't intend to try and find out what he thought of us as a couple. In a totally joking way that somehow started to get more serious for me the more ludicrous it got.

And I HATE the fact that when Sam says "That would be a total disaster," I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Because he's saying we'd be a total disaster. Not that I want that.

But all I say is "That's what I figured."

Even though I figure that since he's branching out with stupid other girls as friends, I'm being downgraded to some chick he sleeps with.

Slept with.

Whatever!

I've got to tell him about Adam. Now.

"So, uh, I wanted to tell you. There's this thing. About Adam. See, I'm-"

I don't finish because I catch the look on his face. He's mad but his eyes have gone dark, how they do when he's turned on.

My stomach gives a little lurch of scared excitement, like when you're about to go over the top on a roller coaster, and my breath catches.

Then we're making out. Like up against the front door, ripping each other's clothes off, get-in-me-now s.e.x.

And it's crazy wild. But it's angry, too, only I don't know what he has to be mad about and then I don't care because somehow my s.h.i.+rt is being pulled off and he's fumbling with his belt and my legs are wrapped around him.

Then Sam does something with his teeth to that spot on my neck that makes me forget to breath because I'm drowning in pleasure, his head hits my chin sharply and I gasp in pain as we go flying.

Sam's dad has just pushed his way in through the front door.

Greg looks away pointedly, as Sam and I scramble for our clothes.

I want to die.

But that doesn't appear to be an option so instead I throw my clothes on, avoid eye contact with either of them, and bolt.

Chapter twenty-three.

To listen to my dad, you'd think this was all my fault.

"How am I the bad guy?"

"Ally is a good girl."

"And I'm some douchebag who hypnotized her with my evil ways?"

"You think this is a joke?" I've never seen my dad so mad.

"No," I mutter. Because I don't. But not because he's about to have a brain aneurysm from anger.

I don't blame Ally for running. I do blame her for bringing up the stupid topic of us, even in her joking way.

Her idiotic need for dominance is driving me crazy. And after those insane images I was seeing, all I could think about was getting back in control.

So when she said Adam's name, I just got mad. And wanted to show her who was running this show.

But my anger turned into viciously turned on and...

I had to have her. And I could tell she totally felt the same way. But it pretty quickly mutated into something else.

So, while I have no clue what just happened between Ally and me, whatever it was, it wasn't a joke.

It just wasn't right either.

"G.o.d." Dad pushes his hands through his hair. "What's Elise going to say?"

I hadn't even thought about Elise. This time. Every other time? Well, let's just say, I knew she wouldn't be pleased. h.e.l.l, I'd take a shotgun to any guy who got naked with my daughter.

There's no point even explaining that I tried to be good. To stay away from Ally. But I just kept caving.

I think I might throw up. Or put my fist through a wall.

Dad opens his mouth and I think he's going to yell at me again but instead all he says is, "s.e.x doesn't make things easier, son."

I don't know if that's advice or a warning.

I'm not sure if he does, either.

Chapter twenty-four.

Aside from the paralyzing humiliation of being caught by Greg and wondering how I can manage to avoid him for the rest of my life, I don't want to think too hard about what happened.

I don't know what that was, but whatever it was, it feels bad.