Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls Part 7

Any second and I could blow.

"OhmiG.o.d," Ally whispers. "Do you realize who that is?"

"New girlfriend?" I offer, silently counting nineteen, twenty, twenty-one...

Ally steps onto the small bench in the cubicle and hoists herself up to peek over the top.

I flatten myself against the side. No way am I touching her. This, however, only gives me the view from below, which I've never had before. I tilt my head to consider all the angles.

"She's terrifying," Ally says in a low voice. "I mean, she hated me before, but now I think we're into wants me dead territory. You think she carries a s.h.i.+v?"

Ally uses my shoulder to get down, pressing against me as she steps back onto the floor.

"s.h.i.+v?" I tear my eyes away to do the polite thing and look at her face while speaking to her.

Big mistake.

"Yeah," Ally explains, "hard, thrusty..."

She makes a stabbing motion with the hand that holds her gla.s.ses, as if with a s.h.i.+v, which looks an awful lot like jerking off.

I sit down hard on the bench, elbows on my knees to hide my elephantoid d.i.c.k and avert my gaze.

"You need to get dressed. Now."

No response. Reluctantly, I look at her.

She's staring at the ground, sad.

"Why'd he want her over me?" Ally asks.

"He's... she's... I dunno, Al."

Ally glances down at herself. She gives a tight nod and picks up her s.h.i.+rt.

Aw, man. I stand up and take her hand. "I know it hurts but eventually you'll meet some guy who loves you the way you deserve to be loved."

"I'm not looking for love."

"You will again. One day. And until then, you're going to hold your head up high, have fun, and be that hot girl who guys want to do and girls want to be."

Ally gives me a faint smile. "Sure."

"I mean it. And if it makes you feel better, I think old Jeremy is having a huge case of dumper's remorse."

"Really?"

"Big time," I a.s.sure her. "You should have seen his face. You look amazing."

Ally straightens up with a look of steely determination. "I'm going out there to destroy him with my hotness."

"Want to stick it to Jeremy, huh?"

"That too petty?"

"Naw. Avenging females are smoking."

I'm glad to see that she's in better spirits. And happily, the conversation has calmed me down too.

"Thanks, Sam."

She gives me a huge hug. Except she's still in her lingerie, making my dragon roar its head again. I pull away.

Ally glances down at my crotch and with a knowing grin, punches me in the arm.

My hard on strains against my jeans, painfully. "Go out there, head held high," I say, eager to wrap this up.

I bolt.

Chapter ten.

I resist the urge to hum as I get back into my new clothes. I keep the new bra on for a sa.s.sy flash of purple.

It's not that I gave Sam a hard-on because I'm sure that the right gust of wind can do that. Although he was very sweet about Jeremy. Nope, it's that I really am going to go out there and show that d.i.n.klord what he's lost.

I exit in time to hear Jeremy say to Sam "When did she...?"

He trails off. The second time I've seen him at a loss for words. Except this time it's because my a.s.s is fine, not because he wants to dump it.

"Jeremy! How are you?"

They both spin at my cheerful voice. I sidle up to them, a bunch of colorful lingerie spilling from my fingers.

I thrust them into Sam's arms so I can hug Jeremy.

"You know," I say, ending the hug, "those first apres breakup social run-ins can be so awkward. But this is just..."

I trail off because I've noticed Jeremy's stare of confusion at me. Like I've been possessed by an alien.

I turn to Sam for help but he's busy frowning at my lingerie.

"...Delightful," I finish lamely.

I slide my arm through Sam's. He jerks his head up. I'm not sure what his problem is but I'm not going to worry about it now when the upsetting of the ex is going so well.

"We're all adults out shopping," I continue. "Jeremy and Leslie. Me and Sam." I squeeze his arm.

"You and Sam?" Jeremy repeats. "Are you two?"

I laugh. "I haven't slept with Sam..."

The "yet" is heavily implied.

"Great chatting," Sam mutters. He stuffs the lingerie back into my arms and strides briskly toward the cas.h.i.+er.

I give Jeremy a little wave over my shoulder and catch up quickly.

"Smoking hot and avenged," I whisper happily.

"Excellent," he says in the opposite tone of voice.

I refuse to let his mood get to me. I'm really happy with my makeover and I guess it's pretty obvious because when I get home later, my mom takes one look at me and practically bursts into tears.

"Oh. My baby. Look at you."

"Um, thanks, Mom." I'm torn between major embarra.s.sment and childish delight that my mom likes it too.

"You're so happy. I've been so worried about you moping around after that stupid Jeremy. And now..." she sighs, a smile on her face.

"But what about how I look?" Yes. I'm fis.h.i.+ng.

"Hon, you look gorgeous."

I perk up.

"I mean you always look beautiful to me."

Slight deflation.

"But now, I feel like you're just s.h.i.+ning through in your beauty." She plants a big kiss on my head.

I know I'm not supposed to care what she thinks. But I do. Mostly.

I give her a hug. "Well, I couldn't have done it without you and the good people at MasterCard." I return the credit card she so generously gave me.

She looks like she might cry again so I quickly say, "Want to see what I bought?"

"Absolutely."

We take my packages upstairs and I try on my new armor for the chasing of boys.

The next day, after a brief stop at Rachel's so she and Ian can admire my new look, Sam and I head to the Great Paragliding Pair Up.

It's mostly college students but there are a handful of high schoolers like us there to go paragliding. Well, I am. Sam's feet do not leave the ground. The boy has an awful fear of flying.

Sam zips his jacket up tighter against the wind on the hill and motions around us. "This is the perfect environment for you. First, you're a paragliding fiend so you're already in your element. Yes?"

"Yeah," I reply doubtfully.

"Second," he continues, "the point of this is for singles to get to know each other. There's context. I know you like context."

"Very good, Sam. But now that I have my extreme good looks, which proved so effective on Jer, I can just run with any natural conversations that get struck up."

"Terrible idea. Just for you, as a special limited time offer, I'm going to share the Sam Cruz patented Three Step Guide to Backseat Success."

"I am not having s.e.x in a car."

"Don't knock it till you've tried it." He leers at me with a wink.

I roll my eyes.

"Besides, that's just the catchy product label. It's guaranteed to work anywhere."

"I do not want s.e.x in a box, I do not want s.e.x with a fox..." I begin, then frown. "Maybe the fox. Of the human variety."

"You do want s.e.x here and there, you do want s.e.x everywhere," Sam concludes.

"Funny," I concede. "Gimme the steps."

"One at a time. First up is the Falco Dax."

"Huh? Didn't you have a dog called Falco?" Then it hits me. "That's your p.o.r.n name. There is a difference between dominant empowerment and p.o.r.n star."

"It's not p.o.r.n. It's step one. Falco Dax is the guy to channel. The ultimate charmer who walks into a place and knows he's s.h.i.+t hot. He's confident. He owns it. He's s.e.x on a stick. And he can get anyone."

Sam fixes me in his gaze. "Open up your mind and channel Falco."

A sandy-haired guy with a freckled cuteness smiles a h.e.l.lo. Sam subtly motions for me to talk to him, mouthing "Falco" at me.

"He might have been smiling at you, you know," I point out, but Sam crosses his arms, shutting down the suggestion.

I'm nothing if not a diligent student so I attempt my a.s.signment, putting a swagger in my step as I walk.

Sam stops me with his hand on my shoulder. "Falco is not some goombah who needs to adjust his junk. Now take it up a serious notch here. Be cool."

He demonstrates an easy-limbed stride that actually does seem pretty confident.

"Like this?" I start my walk.

"That's a penguin."

I adjust my stride.