Reasons I Fell for the Funny Fat Friend Part 1

REASONS I FELL FOR THE FUNNY FAT FRIEND.

By Becca Ann.

Dedicated to everyone who knows the importance of laughter, and counts it as their workout for the day.

Reason 1: You know how to sign the word *b.a.l.l.s'

More than half the time, girls who think they're fat really aren't. They're just fatter than the skinniest chick in school. And even that girl thinks she's fat. So when Hayley, my signing partner in American Sign Language shrugs off Josh moo-ing at her as she walks in the room, that's when I figure this girl... isn't like most girls.

Fact is, Hayley isn't really fat. She's... I dunno. Not fat. The girls who talk about bein' fat look that way *cause they wear clothes that don't fit. Like that's goin' to impress us guys somehow. But the m.u.f.fin top is not hot.

Hayley doesn't have a m.u.f.fin top *cause she wears pants that are her size. So the moo-ing and other douchbaggery doesn't make sense.

Maybe it's *cause I'm not that kind of guy. But whatever.

She plops in the seat next to me, popping her gum and twisting the brown curls hanging from her ponytail. We don't talk much. Just sign, and if she was showin' the slightest bit of *woe is me' from Josh's comment, I'd probably say somethin'. But she's not so I don't feel like an a.s.s for keepin' my mouth shut. That, and I'm waiting for someone else to walk through that door.

Quynn.

It sucks wanting someone you can't have. And Quynn is definitely a *don't go there'. She's my brother's ex. There's some kind of code for that s.h.i.+t, but that's not what's stoppin' me. Gabe's a cheating douche, so not sure if I'd feel too guilty about goin' after his ex-girl. It's Quynn. Every time we get together it's just... weird. Like she thinks I'm her brother. So yeah, sort of takes her off any list I have of girls I'll probably get to see naked. Not like there's a long list or anything.

The room is too hot. All the sweat makes my clothes stick to my b.a.l.l.s. Man, if Quynn walks in right when I adjust myself, I may as well sniff my hand afterward too, since that's how attractive I'll look.

Okay, Brody, be quick about it. Be cool. How do you look cool when you scratch yourself? She's still not here. Do it now! It's driving you crazy!

One quick glance around the room and a s.h.i.+ft later, nuts are in the right place and no one seems to have noticed. What a big deal over nothin'.

"All right," Ms. Stevens says as she turns around. "It's silent time, now. Only communicate through sign. I'll be walking around to check on each of you."

She starts weaving through the desks, and finally, Quynn walks through the door. She opens her mouth to apologize, but Ms. Stevens puts a finger to her lips and motions for Quynn to take a seat. She throws me a grin and a wave as she crosses the room. Her body looks kick-a.s.s even in a hoodie and jeans. I've only seen her in something else a few times, and that was when she was in a Prom dress-worst day of my life since I caught her and douchebag brother goin' at it in the parkin' lot. And when she came to school once, once, in a skirt that showed off a pair of the s.e.xiest legs I've ever seen. I know I wasn't the only one who wasn't able to concentrate that day.

A light tap on my shoulder jerks my attention to Hayley. That's right, we're supposed to be doin' an a.s.signment or somethin'. She smiles and starts signing.

You okay? You seem... I don't catch the rest. She's real good.

Sorry, go slower.

She smiles wider and emphasizes each movement.

You seem in a D-A-Z-E.

Or just s...o...b..ring over the G.o.ddess that just walked in. Same dif.

I'm fine. As fine as I ever am.

Well, what did you... bunch of gibberish.

Man, I wish I was as good as she was.

S-L-O-W!.

She giggles which gets a shhh! from Ms. Stevens.

Sorry. Hayley blushes and turns back to me and signs so slow, her hand bounces up and down. What do you want to talk about for the hour? I really don't want another lecture over my lack of taste in music. She rolls her eyes so I catch the sarcasm.

No educating you then. I run my hand over my buzzed head before continuing. How about movies this time?

She scrunches her nose. I don't see many movies.

I swear this girl lives under a rock. Why not?

Her face goes red again, and I wonder if I overstepped a line or something. She blushes over movies but not the moo-ing? Yeah, I don't get girls at all.

Sorry, did I b.u.t.t in?

She flushes deeper. Dude, what's wrong with her? Movies I guess are out. She looks around and waves me in closer, so her signs can only be seen under our desks.

It's no big deal or anything, but... more gibberish.

I grunt and stop her hands with mine. They feel kinda warm and she jerks away, going so red I don't think there's any blood in any part of her body but her face right now.

Slow, please. Maybe adding the magic word will stop her from acting so weird.

Sorry. I was saying, I don't see a lot of movies *cause I don't go out much.

Why is that such a big deal? I wait for her to go on, but she sits straight up and starts signing so fast I'm pretty sure she's not saying anything at all.

I start for her hands again, then I get it. Ms. Stevens has a very distinct smell. I'm almost chokin' on the flowers wrapped in bacon stench coming from behind me. I glance at our teacher whose lips are pursed as she signs, Are you going to answer her, Brody?

Whoops. Hayley was way too fast for me to keep up. I lock gazes with my signing partner, and she re-signs the question.

So, who would it be? Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johansson?

Okay, if she's asking about Invisible Woman vs. Black Widow, then I know the answer, but if she's asking who's hotter, how am I supposed to answer that with Quynn lookin' at me from across the room?

Scarlett, I guess. My hands won't stop shaking, so that's all I say. Ms. Stevens waves in front of my face.

Work on your *S's. She leaves, but not without me goin' as red as Hayley was just a few seconds ago.

Hayley clears her throat. Oh right. We were in the middle of something.

Sorry. We were talking about not going to movies. Then you pull two actresses out of your b.u.t.t.

We both stifle our laughter. I sorta like it when girls think I'm funny. Does weird things to my stomach, but in a good way.

So like I was saying, I don't get to go out much. You know, because I'm just not one of those girls.

No, I don't know. I don't have the secret handbook that lets me know everything. Girls that like to see movies? I chuckle and she chuckles.

No. Like I'm not... She stops and does a mock thinking face. It's kinda cute. I don't get asked out a lot. She signs it fast, but I catch it.

How do I respond to that? It's not like we're best buds, and that's a pretty big thing to admit for a girl. Man, even for a guy, it's hard to admit. Why is she telling me?

You have friends though, right? I attempt a smile.

She nods. They've all got boyfriends. Sitting in a theater with a bunch of people making out around me? No thanks.

She attempts a smile. I wonder if I look as half-hearted as she does.

Yeah. I get that. Boy do I get that. I was Mr. Third Wheel around my brother.

It slaps b.a.l.l.s.

I bark out laughing. Did she really sign that, or did I interpret it wrong? But she's laughin' too, and everyone's looking at us.

"Do I need to separate you two?" Ms. Stevens asks, lips in such a tight line I wonder if it actually came from her mouth.

"Sorry. I'll try not to tell jokes anymore since Brody can't find a volume control on his laugh."

I laugh again, proving her point, but not much I can do about it since it's already out there. Quynn giggles across the room, and even though I'm gettin' a big fat *see me after cla.s.s' look from the teacher, it was worth it.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Hayley says after the bell rings. She scoops up her book and throws her bag over her shoulder, smacking me in the face.

"Whoops! Sorry."

I shove her bag out of my way and give her the not-so-serious-mad look. She laughs and waves, knocking other people over as she makes her way to the door with her over-crowded backpack.

Maybe she doesn't live under a rock, but a pile of homework.

"Brody?"

I force myself to look at Quynn slowly. If I whip around too fast, I'll look like I've been waiting for her to say my name like that. Which I have, but still. Be cool.

"Yeah?"

"Do you have a sec? I need to ask you something."

Why does she make me nervous? We used to hang out all the time before...well before Gabe banged another girl.

"Yeah."

Instead of letting me stand, she perches her s.e.xy form on the top of my desk, which leaves me eye level with her chest.

Oh dude.

She smells like spicy apple. I know exactly what lotion she wears, because I'm that pathetic. She watches everyone leave the room with a big smile on her face. d.a.m.n that smile. Her eyes flick to me and everythin' s.h.i.+fts below the belt. Am I ogling? Or drooling?

I hear the door click, leavin' us alone. Guess Ms. Stevens wants out of here. "Kay, so I've got a huge favor to ask you."

Look up, look up. Her eyes are just a few more inches up.

"Okay."

She reaches into her pocket. Her snug pocket. Look up.

"Could you give this back to Mom? I mean... your mom?"

It takes me a minute to process. And to look away from the sudden hurt in her face. Quynn was tighter with their boyfriend's mom more than I've ever seen someone else be. When I finally get a grip, I notice the bracelet Mom gave her dangling between her fingers.

"Why?" I drag the word out and fold my arms.

"Don't make me smack you, Bro. You know why."

I hate that nickname because of the stupid double-meaning. Is she calling me Bro *cause she still thinks of me as her brother? Well, that's not a far reach, since she just called my mother, Mom.

"She won't take it back. And I'm not goin' to let you give it back either."

Her puff of breath nearly knocks me over with how good she smells. "Please, Bro. I know it was expensive, and I just don't feel right about keeping it."

I shake my head. She's got to be kiddin' me. I'm not going to get sucked into the drama more than I already have.

Another puff hits my face. "Fine." She slides off my desk and drops the jewelry into her pocket. Without another word, she's out the door.

d.a.m.n brother ruins everythin'.

Reason 2: You walk with a book on your head.

"Hey hun," Mom says as I walk through the door. "How was your day?"

Standard Mom question.

"Fine."

Standard kid answer.

She waves me into the kitchen with a knife in her hand. Then she goes back to chopping tomatoes. I wrinkle my nose.