Drunk With Blood Part 7

Is not her younger sister fairer than she? take her, I pray thee, instead of her. 15.2b But Samson didn't want his wife's little sister. He wanted his wife back, because as you'll recall from the last killing, "She pleased Samson well."

So Samson had an idea, an idea that only one of G.o.d's special heroes could come up with. He'd catch 300 foxes, tie their tails together, light them on fire, and set them loose in the Philistine's grain fields. Maybe then the Philistines would give him his wife back.

Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go. 15.4-5 But it didn't work out as planned. After the burning foxes destroyed their fields, the Philistines didn't give Samson his wife back; they burned her and her father to death.

Then the Philistines said, Who hath done this? And they answered, Samson ... because he had taken his wife, and given her to his companion. And the Philistines came up, and burnt her and her father with fire. 15.6 In response, Samson smote the Philistines "hip and thigh" with a great slaughter. (I'm not including this killing on G.o.d's list, since the Bible doesn't tell us that "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him" or otherwise directly say that G.o.d was involved.) Samson said unto them, Though ye have done this, yet will I be avenged of you, and after that I will cease. And he smote them hip and thigh with a great slaughter. 15.7-8 Then Samson went to hang out "in the top of the rock Etam" for a while. While he was there, 3000 men of Judah came, tied him up and took him to the Philistines. When they delivered Samson "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him" and he broke the ropes and killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an a.s.s.

The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him ... And he found a new jawbone of an a.s.s and slew a thousand men therewith. 15.14-15 Samson was thirsty after the killing, so G.o.d made water come out of the same jawbone so that Samson could get a drink.

He was sore athirst, and called on the LORD, and ... G.o.d clave an hollow place that was in the jaw, and there came water thereout; and when he had drunk, his spirit came again. 15.18-19 Does anyone really believe this stuff? Well, yes they do, unfortunately. Over two billion people believe (or pretend to believe) that this story actually happened exactly as it is recorded in Judges 15. Samson tied the tails of 300 foxes together and set them on fire and then he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an a.s.s.

Of course most believers have never read the story and don't even know it exists, but they believe it anyway, completely and implicitly, because they believe that everything in the Bible is true.

It's easier to believe in stories like this if you don't know they exist.

55. Samson killed 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack Judges 16.27-30 Number Killed: 3,000 Philistines After Samson finished killing 1000 men with a jawbone of an a.s.s (54), he had s.e.x with a prost.i.tute.

Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her. Judges 16.1 At midnight he left the prost.i.tute and ripped out the doors and gate posts of the city and carried them to the top of a hill.

Samson lay till midnight, and arose at midnight, and took the doors of the gate of the city, and the two posts, and went away with them, bar and all, and put them upon his shoulders, and carried them up to the top of an hill that is before Hebron. 16.3 Then Samson saw and fell in love with Delilah.

Afterward ... he loved a woman ... whose name was Delilah. 16.4 Now Delilah was paid by the Philistines to find the magical source of Samson's strength and how he could be restrained. So she asked Samson three times about it, while some Philistines hid in another room.

The first time that she asked, he said that he'd become as weak as any other man if he were tied up with bowstrings. So she did that and then shouted, "Hey Samson, the Philistines are coming!" But he broke the bowstrings as though they were burnt strings. (16.6-9) She asked again and he told her to use ropes. So she tied him with ropes and then shouted, "Hey Samson, the Philistines are coming!" But he broke the ropes like they were threads. (16.10-12) She asked him a third time, and he told her to weave his seven braids into a cloth and fasten the whole mess to the wall. So she did that and then shouted, "Hey Samson (you dumb s.h.i.+t), the Philistines are coming!" But he broke out of that one, too. (16.13-14) But Delilah didn't give up. She kept pestering him until finally Samson told her the true source of his strength. It was his hair. If his hair was shaved off, he'd become as weak as any other man.

If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man. 16.17 So when Samson fell asleep on her lap, she cut his hair. And both the Lord and his strength departed from him.

She made him sleep upon her knees ... to shave off the seven locks of his head ... and his strength went from him ... the LORD was departed from him. 16.19-20 Then the Philistines captured Samson, gouged out his eyes, and put him in prison.

The Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of bra.s.s; and he did grind in the prison house. 16.21 Later at one of their big parties, the Philistines brought Samson out to entertain them. Here's what happened.

Now the house was full of ... about three thousand men and women ... And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord G.o.d ... strengthen me ... that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes ... and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life. 16.27-30 This was the first suicide terrorist act. It resulted in the deaths of 3000 civilian men and women. G.o.d approved of it and gave Samson the strength to do it. And although the Bible doesn't say so, there are unconfirmed reports that Samson shouted "G.o.d is great (Allahu Akbar)" as the walls came tumbling down.

56. A holy civil war (It had something to do with rotting, concubine body-part messages) Judges 20.18-48 Number Killed: 65,100 Non-Benjamites and Benjamites Do you know the story about the Levite and his concubine? You know the one in Judges 19 where the Levite and his concubine are staying at a guy's house when a mob comes and asks to have s.e.x with the Levite, and the host says no you can't have s.e.x with him but I'll give you my virgin daughter and his concubine instead, so the Levite gives them his concubine and they rape her all night and she crawls back to the house and dies the next morning, and then the Levite puts her body on his donkey and goes home and chops her body into 12 pieces and sends a piece to each tribe of Israel? Yeah that one.

Well, this is the rest of the story.

You see, when the 12 tribes got the pieces of decaying concubine body parts, they immediately a.s.sembled before the Lord in Mizpeh, along with the entire population of Israel and 400,000 soldiers. (What else would you do if you got a hunk of rotting flesh in the mail?) All the children of Israel went out, and the congregation was gathered together as one man ... unto the LORD in Mizpeh. And ... four hundred thousand footmen that drew sword. Judges 20.1-2 When they arrived at Mizpeh, the Israelites asked the meaning of the rotting-flesh messages. So the Levite told them the nasty story that is found in Judges 19.

When the Israelites heard this, all 400,000 said in complete unison: All the people arose as one man, saying ... This shall be the thing which we will do to Gibeah; we will go up by lot against it. 20.8-9 Then they asked G.o.d what they should do about it. G.o.d told them to go to war with the Benjamites, saying that the tribe of Judah should go first.

The children of Israel arose, and went up to the house of G.o.d, and asked counsel of G.o.d, and said, Which of us shall go up first to the battle against the children of Benjamin? And the LORD said, Judah shall go up first. 20.18 (G.o.d's just war theory: Since the town of Gibeah was where the incident with the concubine occurred, and the inhabitants of Gibeah were from the tribe of Benjamin, the other Israelite tribes must go to war with the Benjamites. This may not make much sense to you, but it does to G.o.d.) So they did that, but it didn't work out too well, and 22,000 Israelites died.

The men of Israel went out to battle against Benjamin ... And the children of Benjamin came forth out of Gibeah, and destroyed down to the ground of the Israelites that day twenty and two thousand men. 20.20-21 After their first defeat, the Israelites wept before G.o.d and asked him what they should do next. G.o.d said to go fight the Benjamites (again).

The children of Israel went up and wept before the LORD until even, and asked counsel of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up again to battle against the children of Benjamin my brother? And the LORD said, Go up against him. 20.23 So the next day they tried that, but it didn't turn out so well this time either. Another 18,000 Israelites were killed.

The children of Israel came near against the children of Benjamin the second day. And Benjamin went forth against them out of Gibeah the second day, and destroyed down to the ground of the children of Israel again eighteen thousand men. 20.24-25 Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before G.o.d, and ask him (for the third time) if they should attack the Benjamites.

Then all the children of Israel, and all the people, went up, and came unto the house of G.o.d, and wept, and sat there before the LORD ... And the children of Israel enquired of the LORD. 20.26-27 G.o.d gave them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promised that he would deliver them into their hands.

The LORD said, Go up; for to morrow I will deliver them into thine hand. 20.28 And he did. It's not entirely clear, though, how many Benjamites were killed, 25,100 (as it says in 20.35), 25,000 (as in 20.46), or maybe both in two separate battles. But since there were only a total of 26,000 Benjamites soldiers (20.15), I'll just give G.o.d credit for killing another 25,100.

The LORD smote Benjamin before Israel: and the children of Israel destroyed of the Benjamites that day twenty and five thousand and an hundred men: all these drew the sword. 20.35 So that all which fell that day of Benjamin were twenty and five thousand men. 20.46 The Israelites killed all but 600 Benjamite soldiers and then killed every one else in the tribe of Benjamin-old men, women, children, and babies, even all their animals.

But six hundred men turned and fled to the wilderness unto the rock Rimmon, and abode in the rock Rimmon four months. And the men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to. 20.47-48 It seems to me that G.o.d was also at least partly responsible for the 40,000 Israelites that were killed in the first two unsuccessful battles that he told the Israelites to fight, along with the 25,100 Benjamite soldiers. So I'll add 65,100 to G.o.d's total.

57. The end of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins Judges 21.10-14 Estimated Number Killed: 4,000 People of Jabeshgilead G.o.d's 56th killing was a G.o.d-inspired civil war between the tribe of Benjamin and the other Israelites. It was G.o.d's way of dealing with that messy affair involving the Levite and his concubine.

As you'll recall, G.o.d told the Israelites to fight the Benjamites three times. In the first two battles, the Israelites were defeated and 40,000 of their soldiers were killed. But the third time "G.o.d smote Benjamin," killing 25,100 of them. But 600 Benjamites survived.

But six hundred [Benjamite] men turned and fled to the wilderness unto the rock Rimmon, and abode in the rock Rimmon four months. Judges 20.47 After the battle, the Israelites killed everything (human and animal) in every Benjamite village, town, and city and then burned everything to the ground.

The men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to. 20.48 Then they remembered the 600 surviving Benjamite soldiers.

Where the heck were these guys going to find wives? The non-Benjamites killed all the Benjamite women (56) and swore to G.o.d that none of them would "give" their daughters to any Benjamite.

Now the men of Israel had sworn in Mizpeh, saying, There shall not any of us give his daughter unto Benjamin to wife. 21.1 Then they thought of a great solution. They'd check the records of the Mizpeh meeting and see who didn't show up when they got a body part in the mail.

They said, What one is there of the tribes of Israel that came not up to Mizpeh to the LORD? And, behold, there came none to the camp from Jabeshgilead to the a.s.sembly. 21.8 It turned out that Jabeshgilead was absent. So they sent 12,000 soldiers to Jabeshgilead to kill everyone in town except for the virgin women. That produced 400 virgins, which they delivered to the Benjamite survivors at the rock Rimmon.

The congregation sent thither twelve thousand men of the valiantest, and commanded them, saying, Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children. And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male ... and they gave them wives which they had saved alive of the women of Jabeshgilead. 21.10-14 But darn! There were 600 Benjamites, so they were still 200 virgins short. Where the f.u.c.k are they going to find 200 more virgins?

Well, someone heard about this dancing festival that they had at s.h.i.+loh each year. So they told the remaining 200 Benjamite men without virgins to hide in the bushes and catch the s.h.i.+loh girls when they came out to dance.

Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards ... And ... if the daughters of s.h.i.+loh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of s.h.i.+loh ... And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught. 21.20-23 So each of the 600 surviving Benjamite soldiers got a virgin and everything worked out according to G.o.d's plan.

(I figured there were at least 10 children, men, and non-virgin women for every virgin woman in Jabeshgilead. If so, then 4000 were killed to get the 400 virgin women for the surviving Benjamites.) 58. G.o.d kills Eli's sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers 1 Samuel 4.2-11 Number Killed: 34,002 Hophni, Phinehas and 34,000 Israelite soldiers There was an old priest name Eli, who had two sons, Hophni and Phinehas. (This is another Phinehas, not G.o.d's hero from killing 25.) Like Eli, his sons were priests, but they were bad priests who didn't know G.o.d, stole meat from burnt offerings, and had s.e.x with women at the door of the tabernacle.

The sons of Eli were sons of Belial; they knew not the LORD. 1 Samuel 2.12 If any man said unto him, Let them not fail to burn the fat presently, and then take as much as thy soul desireth; then he would answer him, Nay; but thou shalt give it me now: and if not, I will take it by force. 2.16 Eli ... heard all that his sons did ... how they lay with the women that a.s.sembled at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. 2.22 Eli talked to his sons about it and tried to get them to change their ways, but they wouldn't listen to him since G.o.d had already decided to kill them.

They hearkened not unto the voice of their father, because the LORD would slay them. 2.25 Before killing Eli's sons, though, G.o.d tormented Eli a bit. First, a "man of G.o.d" tells Eli that G.o.d will "consume his eyes" and "grieve his heart" and make sure that all of his descendants die young.

A man of G.o.d ... said unto him, Thus saith the LORD ... I will cut off thine arm... There shall not be an old man in thine house for ever ... I shall ... consume thine eyes and ... grieve thine heart. 2.27-33 Then, just in case the first message didn't get through, G.o.d sends another one to Eli through the boy prophet, Samuel. It takes G.o.d three tries to deliver the message, but he finally does. And it's the same nasty message: G.o.d will make everyone's ears tingle by punis.h.i.+ng all of Eli's unborn descendants for the sins of his sons.

The LORD said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of every one that heareth it shall tingle. I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken ... I will judge his house for ever ... because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not. 3.11-13 Samuel delivers the message to Eli and he responds the way believers always do. (G.o.d can do whatever he wants-however absurd, cruel, or unjust-and they will call it good.) It is the LORD: let him do what seemeth him good. 3.18 So now G.o.d had to figure out how he was going to kill Eli's sons.

And that's where the Philistines came in. G.o.d used them to kill Eli's sons, along with 34,000 Israelite soldiers.

In the first battle, the Israelites lost 4000 men.

The Philistines put themselves in array against Israel: and when they joined battle, Israel was smitten before the Philistines: and they slew of the army in the field about four thousand men. 4.2 Which surprised the heck out of the Israelites, since G.o.d was supposed to be on their side.

So they went to get the ark of the covenant, figuring it would protect them from the Philistines.

When the people were come into the camp, the elders of Israel said, Wherefore hath the LORD smitten us to day before the Philistines? Let us fetch the ark of the covenant of ... that ... it may save us out of the hand of our enemies. 4.3 Along with the ark, they also got Eli's sons, Hophni and Phinehas.

So the people sent to s.h.i.+loh, that they might bring from thence the ark of the covenant of the LORD ... and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of G.o.d. 4.4 When the ark came to the Israelites' camp, they all shouted at once, causing an earthquake.

When the ark of the covenant of the LORD came into the camp, all Israel shouted with a great shout, so that the earth rang again. 4.5 The earth shook so much that the Philistines felt it at their camp, and they knew just what it meant. G.o.d was with the Israelites and he was on their side.

The Philistines were afraid, for they said, G.o.d is come into the camp. And they said, Woe unto us! for there hath not been such a thing heretofore. 4.7 The Philistines had heard what G.o.d did to the Egyptians and they were afraid that now he'd do it to them. So they all said together: "Woe unto us."

Woe unto us! who shall deliver us out of the hand of these mighty G.o.ds? these are the G.o.ds that smote the Egyptians with all the plagues in the wilderness. 4.8 Then they snapped out of it and started to act like Philistines again, and killed another 30,000 Israelites.

The Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen. 4.10 And, in the process, the Philistines stole the ark of G.o.d and also killed Eli's sons.

The ark of G.o.d was taken; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain. 4.11 Just as G.o.d said he would do in 1 Samuel 2.25 (I gave G.o.d credit for 34,002, 34,000 Israelite soldiers and Eli's two sons.) 59. G.o.d smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts 1 Samuel 5.6-12 Estimated Number Killed: 3,000 Philistines You may have noticed at the end of the last killing (58), that the Philistines stole the ark of the covenant from the Israelites. And that's when their troubles really began.

The Philistines brought the ark to Ashdod and set it up next to their G.o.d, Dagon.

The Philistines took the ark of G.o.d ... unto Ashdod ... into the house of Dagon, and set it by Dagon. 1 Samuel 5.1-2 The next morning Dagon had fallen on his face.

When they of Ashdod arose early on the morrow, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face. 5.3 So they put Dagon back in his place, but the next morning he had fallen down again, and this time his head and hands had fallen off, so he was no more than a stump.

When they arose early on the morrow morning, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD; and the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were cut off upon the threshold; only the stump of Dagon was left to him. 5.4 Then G.o.d started to get nasty. He destroyed the people of Asdod and smote those that survived with hemorrhoids.

But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods (hemorrhoids). 5.6 So the people of Ashdod decided to send the ark to another Philistine city: Gath.

What shall we do with the ark of the G.o.d of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the G.o.d of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the G.o.d of Israel about thither. 5.8 And then G.o.d smote the people of Gath, the small and the great, with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 5.9 After that, what do you think the Gathites did with G.o.d's ark? They sent it to Ekron.

Therefore they sent the ark of G.o.d to Ekron. 5.10 When the ark arrived at Ekron, G.o.d did the usual thing: he killed most of the people and gave the rest hemorrhoids.

There was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of G.o.d was very heavy there. And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven. 5.11-12 The Bible doesn't say how many people G.o.d killed in Ashdod, Gath, and Ekron. So I'll just call it 3000, 1000 from each city.

60. 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord 1 Samuel 6.19 Number Killed: 50,070 Bethshemes.h.i.+tes In his last killing (59), G.o.d was busy fas.h.i.+oning hemorrhoids and placing them in the Philistines' secret parts. Stuff like that gets annoying after a while.

So the Philistines asked their priests how they can get G.o.d to stop. The priests told them to make five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice as trespa.s.s offerings, and put the ark and the offerings in a cart pulled by two cows. Then let the cows go wherever they choose. If they go toward Bethshemesh, then it was G.o.d who was striking the people with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

The Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD? And they said, If ye send away the ark of the G.o.d of Israel, send it not empty; but ... return him a trespa.s.s offering: then ye shall be healed ... What shall be the trespa.s.s offering? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice ... take the ark of the LORD, and lay it upon the cart; and put the ... trespa.s.s offering ... and send it away ... And see, if it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Bethshemesh, then he hath done us this great evil: but if not, then we shall know that it is not his hand that smote us: it was a chance that happened to us. 1 Samuel 6.2-9 Since that sounded like a reasonable plan, that's what they did. And the cows headed straight for Bethshemesh "and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left."

They laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods. And the kine took the straight way to the way of Bethshemesh, and went along the highway, lowing as they went, and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left. 6.11-12 So the world now knows for sure that it was G.o.d who killed the Philistine people by putting hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

That would have been a happy ending, I suppose, except some of the Bethshemes.h.i.+tes looked into the ark. So G.o.d had to kill 50,070 of them.

He smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter. 6.19 Stories like this can only be found in the Bible.

61. The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines 1 Samuel 7.10-11 Estimated Number Killed: 1,000 Philistines After G.o.d killed more than 50,000 for looking into the ark (60), the ark was moved to Kirjathjearim and the people of Israel "lamented after the Lord"-which means, I guess, that they wanted the d.a.m.ned thing back.

And it came to pa.s.s, while the ark abode in Kirjathjearim, that the time was long; for it was twenty years: and all the house of Israel lamented after the LORD. 1 Samuel 7.2 So Samuel told them what to do. Get rid of all their other G.o.ds and wors.h.i.+p Yahweh alone. So the Israelites rounded up all their G.o.ds and threw them away. Then Samuel told all the people of Israel to gather at Mizpeh and he would say a little prayer for them.

Samuel said, Gather all Israel to Mizpeh, and I will pray for you unto the LORD. 7.5 So everyone in Israel came to Mizpeh, poured water out for the Lord, fasted, and said they'd sinned.

And they gathered together to Mizpeh, and drew water, and poured it out before the LORD, and fasted on that day, and said there, We have sinned against the LORD. 7.6 When the Philistines heard about all this, they prepared to attack Israel.

When the Philistines heard that the children of Israel were gathered together to Mizpeh, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. 7.7a The Israelites were afraid of the Philistines, so they asked Samuel to ask G.o.d to save them.

When the children of Israel heard it, they were afraid of the Philistines. 7.7b So Samuel killed a baby lamb and burned its dead body for G.o.d.

Samuel took a sucking lamb, and offered it for a burnt offering wholly unto the LORD. 7.9a Then Samuel cried out to G.o.d and G.o.d heard him.

And Samuel cried unto the LORD for Israel; and the LORD heard him. 7.9b While Samuel was busy roasting the lamb for G.o.d, the Philistines attacked. And G.o.d "thundered with a great thunder" and "discomfited them." Then the Israelites chased them down and killed them.

As Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to battle against Israel: but the LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel. And the men of Israel went out of Mizpeh, and pursued the Philistines, and smote them. 7.10-11 After the slaughter, Samuel put up a monument that said, "So far the Lord has helped us."

Then Samuel took a stone ... saying, Hitherto hath the LORD helped us. 7.12 Once again the Bible doesn't say how many Philistines were killed. So I'll just call it 1000.

62. Another Ammonite ma.s.sacre (and another G.o.d-inspired, body-part message) 1 Samuel 11.11 Estimated Number Killed: 1,000 Ammonites Remember the Holy Civil War a few killings back? (56) This is a lot like it.

It starts with the people from Jabeshgilead making a proposition to the Ammonites.

Then Nahash the Ammonite came up, and encamped against Jabeshgilead: and all the men of Jabesh said unto Nahash, Make a covenant with us, and we will serve thee. 1 Samuel 11.1 Does Jabeshgilead sound familiar to you? Well, if you read about G.o.d's 57th killing, it should. (In that story, the Israelites killed everyone in the city of Jabeshgilead except for the virgin women, whom they gave to the surviving Benjamites for wives.) So everyone in Jabeshgilead was killed a few years before the events in 1 Samuel 11 supposedly took place. Yet here in verse 1 they are making a treaty with the Ammonites. Do dead people make treaties? I guess they do in the Bible.

Anyway, here's the deal that Nahash offered the (dead?) people from Jabeshgilead: Nahash the Ammonite answered them, On this condition will I make a covenant with you, that I may thrust out all your right eyes, and lay it for a reproach upon all Israel. 11.2 Now you might think that this would be a no brainer to the people of Jabeshgilead. But since they were already dead, maybe they didn't have any eyes to poke out. In any case, the people of Jabshgilead asked for a week to see if they could get an army together to fight the Ammonites. If they couldn't, they'd let the Ammonites poke out one of their eyes.

The elders of Jabesh said unto him, Give us seven days' respite, that we may send messengers unto all the coasts of Israel: and then, if there be no man to save us, we will come out to thee. 11.3 The Ammonites said, "Sure, go ahead and get an army together. We'll give you a week." So the leaders of Jabeshgilead sent messengers to Saul, who had recently become the first king of Israel (1 Sam 10.20-24).

When Saul heard about it, "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him," and Saul did what any spirit-filled person would do: he killed some oxen, chopped their bodies up into 12 pieces, and sent the pieces to the 12 tribes of Israel.

The Spirit of G.o.d came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers. 11.6-7a And it worked, too. Messages like that always work in the Bible.

The fear of the LORD fell on the people, and they came out with one consent. 11.7b Within a week the ox body parts were sent around to all the tribes of Israel and all the people of Israel responded "as one," forming an army of 330,000.

When he numbered them in Bezek, the children of Israel were three hundred thousand, and the men of Judah thirty thousand. 11.8 It's amazing what twelve rotting pieces of meat can do!

Then Saul told the people of Jabeshgilead: To morrow, by that time the sun be hot, ye shall have help. And the messengers came and shewed it to the men of Jabesh; and they were glad. 11.9 So the messengers went back and told the good news to leaders of Jabeshgilead, and they told Nahash that tomorrow they'd let them poke out their eyes.

The men of Jabesh said, To morrow we will come out unto you, and ye shall do with us all that seemeth good unto you. 11.10 The next day Saul and his army killed Ammonites until the heat of the day. When they were done they had killed all the Ammonites.

Saul ... slew the Ammonites until the heat of the day: and it came to pa.s.s, that they which remained were scattered, so that two of them were not left together. 11.11 After the slaughter Saul said, To day the LORD hath wrought salvation in Israel. 11.13 So G.o.d deserves at least some of the credit.

The Bible doesn't say how many Ammonites were killed; I'll call it a standard ma.s.sacre and say 1000.

63. Jonathan's very first slaughter (not counting the one before) 1 Samuel 14.12-14 Number Killed: 20 Philistines Well, it was a bit disappointing to me, but I guess it was OK for a very first slaughter.

Here's how it happened.

One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncirc.u.mcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe G.o.d would help them.

Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncirc.u.mcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14.6 Jonathan's amorous armor bearer said to him, "Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too." (They had a very close, intimate relations.h.i.+p.) His armourbearer said unto him, Do all that is in thine heart: turn thee; behold, I am with thee according to thy heart. 14.7 So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, "Wait there and we'll come over to you," then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, "Come up to us, and we will show you something," then they will attack, knowing that G.o.d will help them kill them.

Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pa.s.s over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 14.8-10 So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, "Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in."

Both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 14.11 And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, "Come on up and we'll show you a thing or two."

The men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 14.12a When Jonathan heard that, he told his armor bearer that G.o.d would help them kill the Philistines.