A Brief Memoir with Portions of the Diary, Letters, and Other Remains Part 4

The page my unapt heart has learn'd so newly In the dark lessons which afflictions teach-- Oh, it were vain to try to utter truly In the cold language of unapter speech.

That hearts when thus their very depths are burning Alone should know their bitterness, is well; But, oh, my heart more joys than aches in learning Another lesson, would that words could tell.

New depths of love in measure unsuspected, Ties closer than I knew, were round my heart; And half I thank the wrench that has detected How thoroughly and deeply dear thou art.

And 'twas to tell thee this that I have taken The tuneless lyre I thought to use no more, Yet once at thy returning may it waken, Then sleep forever, silent as before.

And not more narrow than the dome of ether Beams heaven's unbounded, earth-embracing scroll; Then be it thine and ours to read together Of Him who loves not less than rules the whole.

And not more slow than was the bark that bore thee To an untried and dimly-distant land-- Our hearts' affections thither flew before thee, And now are ready waiting on the strand.

--_8th Month_, 1845.

_10th Mo. 1st_. Much struck with the suitability of the expression, "under the yoke," truly _subjugated_.

not merely offering this or that, but _being offered_ "a living sacrifice." Oh for a thorough work like this!

This is "when the yoke Is easy and the burden light." I know almost nothing of it by experience, but think it is "now nearer than when I first believed." For a day or two I have been given to desire it earnestly.

_10th Mo. 12th_. Evening. Many thoughts about faith in Christ. But oh for the reality, the living essence of it! We can be Christians, not because we believe that the blood of Christ cleanses from sin, but because we _know_ the blood of Christ to cleanse us from sin.

About this date, in the diary of daily affairs, is the following:--

"A conviction has come upon me that, in all respects, now is the time to reform, if ever, the course I am now pursuing. Religion, the main thing, may it ever more be the main object; and then, as to moral, social, and other duty, oh, be my whole course reformed. ... From this time forth may I nightly ask myself these five questions.

1. Has my employment and economy of time been right? 2. Has my aim been duty--not pleasure?

3. Have I been quiet and submissive? 4. Have I looked on the things of others as my own? 5.

Have propensities or sentiments ruled? I wish to give an answer, daily, to each; and now say for yesterday. 1. Some wasted time before dinner.

2. Pretty clear, 3. No temptation. 4. Pretty well.

5. Pretty [well] except at meals."

In this concise and simple manner are these questions answered, almost daily, throughout the year, until, "finding that daily records of employment are of little use, and that the intellectual and spiritual could not well be longer separated," she discontinued the practice, and recorded in the same book "any thing in either line that seemed fit to reserve from oblivion."

Alluding to a religious magazine, she writes:--

"It is always pulling down error--seldom building up truth. Surely Antichrist comes to oppose Christ, not Christ to oppose Antichrist. Is there, then, no positive Christian duty? Are we never to rest in principles and practices of actual faith and love? or are we to be always on the offensive and negative side, stigmatizing all who act contrary to our belief of the truth as doers of the work of Antichrist?

Antichrist, I fear, cares little for orthodox doctrines, but fights against the Christian spirit."

_9th Mo. 13th_. Conflicting thoughts again. I long that there may be no building on any sandy foundation. But oh, the fitness that appeared to me this evening in the blessed Saviour to supply all my need. The one sacrifice He has been, and the one mediator and way to G.o.d He ever is,--His own spirit the one leader, teacher, and sanctifier; whereby He consummates in the heart the blessed work of bringing all into subjection to the obedience of Christ. Oh for a personal experience, a real partic.i.p.ation in all this, a knowledge that _He is my own and that I am His_.

_16th_. Somewhat puzzled at myself. This has not been a spiritually prosperous day--pa.s.sed just to my taste, much in reading, but not much, I fear, with the Lord. Yet I have had very loving thoughts of Christ this evening, and was ready to call Him _my own dear Saviour_, though I trust on no other terms than His terms, namely, that I should be wholly His.

Some misgivings are come up that I am tempted to think Him mine when I am not in a state to be His; some fears lest Satan has put on the winning smiles of an angel of light; and yet where can I go but to Thee, Saviour of sinners? Thou hast the words of life and salvation; suffer me not to be deluded, but at all hazards let me be Thine.

Thou who breakest not the bruised reed, oh, bring forth in me judgment unto truth, and let me wait for the _law of life and peace from Thee_.

_9th Mo. 18th_. Rode to Lodge to get ferns. Enjoyed thoughts of the beauty of nature, imperfect as it is, because one kind of beauty necessarily excludes another. What, then, must be the essence of that glory in which all perfection is beauty united? Thus these things must be described to mortal comprehension under contradictory images; such as "pure gold, like unto transparent gla.s.s," &c.

_9th Mo. 19th_. I think harm is done by considering a society such as "Friends," "a section of the Christian Church," as societies are so often called.

It can be true only by considering the "Christian Church" to mean _professing Christians_; but surely its true meaning is the _children of G.o.d anywhere_.

Of this body, there are no _sections_ to be made by man, or it would follow that to unite oneself to either section, is to be united to the body, which cannot be.

_10th Mo. 1st_. I fear I have so long been _childish_ and _thoughtless_, that I shall hardly ever be _childlike_ and _thoughtful_. Oh for a little more _care_ without _carefulness!_

_10th Mo. 2d_. Much struck with Krummacher's doctrine of "Once in grace, always in grace."

"After the covenant is made," he says, "I can do nothing _condemnable_. I may do what is sinful or weak, but my sins are all laid on my Surety." _True,_ if my will-spirit humbles itself to bear the reforming judgment of the Lord--but I think his doctrine utterly dangerous; his error is this, that "the covenant cannot be broken." Now, suppose a Christian, therefore, in the covenant; he sins, then the Lord would put away his sin by cleansing him from its pollution and power, by the blood of Christ, who hath already borne the punishment thereof.

But he may refuse this cleansing, in other words, this judgment, revealed within; not against _himself_, as it must have been except for Christ's intercession, but against the evil nature in him, and in love to his soul. He may refuse this, because it cannot but be painful, it cannot but include repentance for his transgression, whereby he has admitted ground to the enemy. And if he refuse it, persisting in withdrawing his heart from that surrender, which must have been made on his adoption into the covenant, who shall say that the covenant is not at an end? Who shall say that the way of the Lord is not equal, in that, because he was once a righteous man, made righteous by the righteousness of Christ, "now, the righteousness that he hath had shall not be mentioned unto him, but in his trespa.s.s he shall die"? Far be it from me to say how long the Lord shall bear with man; how long he may trespa.s.s ere he dies forever; but I think it most presumptuous to suppose that G.o.d _cannot in honor_ (for it does come to this) disannul the covenant from which man has already retracted all his share; though this, truly, is but a pa.s.sive one, a surrender of the will-spirit to the faith of Jesus.

What good it does me to clear up my ideas on prayer! but there is a limit beyond which intellect cannot go. No one can fully explain the admission of evil into the heart. We say "it is because I listen to temptation;" but why do I listen, to temptation?

Because I did not watch unto prayer. The Calvinist would say, perhaps, "Because I am without the covenant;" but he allows that a person may sin who is in it. Suppose I am one of these? The origin of evil must ever be hidden, but not of evil only; the _moral nature of man must ever be a mystery to his intellectual nature, for it is above it._ There is a _natural testimony_ to the supremacy of the _moral_ in man above the intellectual.

_10th Mo. 8th_. The charm of book and pen has been beguiling me of my reward; but now my soul craves to be offered a living sacrifice.

_10th Mo. 19th_. The world was fearfully my snare yesterday,--I mean worldly objects, innocent, in themselves. These things only show the depth of unrenewed nature within. Though it slumbered, it could not be dead. My "wilderness wanderings,"

oh, I fear they must be exceedingly protracted ere the hosts that have come out of Egypt with me fall; ere I can find _in myself_ that blessed possession of the promised inheritance, which, I believe, _in this life_ is the portion of the _thorough_ Christian: "they that believe _do_ enter into rest." Why, then, do not I?

Oh, it is for want of believing; for want of faith; I fear to trust the Lord to give me my inheritance and conquer my foes, and will not "go up and possess the land." Then, again, in self-confidence, I _will_ go up, whether the Lord be with me or not; and so I fall. But surely, surely it _need_ be so no longer. I _might_ devote myself to Christ, and He would lead me safely through all. The s.h.i.+ning of the fire and the shading of the cloud are yet in the ordering of the Captain of Salvation.

_20th_. Exceeding poor; and yet I rejoice in what I trust is somewhat of the poverty of spirit which is blessed.

"Nothing in my hand I bring; Simply to Thy cross I cling; To the cleansing fount I fly: Wash me, Saviour, or I die."

_21st_. I feel myself in much danger of falling,--manifold temptations all round to love the world, and how little _stay_ within!

_22d._ Yet the Lord was kind, most kind, to me in the evening, constraining me to say within my heart, "Surely I am united to Christ my Saviour." Oh, the joy of feeling that we are in any measure _His!_ May I by no means withdraw myself from His hands, that He may do for me all that His mercy designs, and which I am well a.s.sured is but _begun._ This morning a crumb of bread was given me, in the shape of a sense that Christ is yet mine, but that He will be _waited on_ in simplicity of heart to do His _own work._ Oh, the comfort of having a fountain to flee to _set open_ for sin! hourly have I need of it.

_11th Mo. 2d_. I have felt deeply the necessity of the thorough subjugation of the _will_ to the Divine will: if it were effected, all must work for good to me. Little cross-occurrences, instead of exciting ill tempers, would serve as occasions for strengthening my faith in G.o.d. When He giveth quietness, what should make trouble? 'Tis wonderful to think what long-suffering kindness the Lord has shown me! I can compare myself only to the prodigal son saying, "Give me my portion of goods"--goods spiritual; as if I thought once furnished, never again to have recourse to a father's compa.s.sion. Oh, often have I wasted this substance in a very short time; but the Lord has reckoned better than I in my self-confidence. He saw how I should have to come back utterly dest.i.tute, and again and again has had mercy. Oh that I might no more ask for a portion to carry away, but seek to dwell among the servants and the children of His house, to be fed hourly by Him, learning in what sense He does say to those who are willing to have nothing of their own, "All that I have is thine."

_12th Mo. 6th_. Nice journey to Falmouth. Here we have been since Second-day learning our own manifold deficiencies; but this, under a genial atmosphere, is, to me, never disheartening,--always an exciting, encouraging lesson. ----'s kind words on intellectual presence of mind, and his animating example of it, have determined me to make a vigorous effort over my own sloth and inanity. I believe the first thing is to be always conscious of what I am thinking of, and never to let my mind run at loose ends in senseless reveries.

_12th Mo. 25th_. Seventh-day. I trust, now we are all together for the winter, there will be an effort on my part to help to keep up a higher tone of feeling, aim, and conversation: not mere gossip, but really to speak to each other for some good purpose, is what I do wish. What an engine, for good or evil, we neglect and almost despise! and if it is not employed properly, when at home, how can it be naturally and intelligently exercised when abroad?

_Fourth-day, 31st_. Called on a poor sick man,--he quietly waiting, I hope, for a partic.i.p.ation in perfect peace, and penetrated with the sense that man can do nothing of himself. Surely this must be a step towards knowing what G.o.d can do. I hope he will be able to see and say something more yet; but I would not ask him for any sort of confession. It is a fearful thing to interfere with one who seems evidently in hands Divine.

Thus ended 1845. Oh that it had been better used, more valued, more improved in naturals, intellectuals, and spirituals! Oh that I had cultivated kindness and dutiful affection in the meekness of wisdom; and as an impetus seems to have been lately received to industry in study, etc., oh, may G.o.d give me grace to spend another year, so far as I live through it, in industrious Christianity too!

_1st Mo. 7th_, 1846. I should gratefully acknowledge the loving-kindness and tender mercy which, after all my wanderings, has again been shown: "I will prepare their heart, I will cause their ear to hear,"

was sweet to me this morning. Though sometimes lamenting that I hear so little of the voice of pardon and peace, I have felt this morning that I have ever heard as much as was safe for me in the degree of preparation yet known.

_1st Mo. 19th_. Some earnest desires last evening, this morning, and in the night, to be set right in spirit. Struck with the text, "His countenance doth behold the upright,"--not that the upright always behold His countenance: that is not the thing their safety consists in. "Thou most upright dost weigh the path of the just," that is, of the truly sincere and devoted. Ah! how blessed that such an unerring balance should apportion the way of a finite and blind being!

_3d Mo. 2d_. Little E.P. died last week, aged three years,--a child whom G.o.d had taught. I ventured a little poem for his mamma, I think without harm.

The poetry-contest, some time since, was doubtless useful as a check, but I seem to have lost the prohibition, and enjoy, I hope, innocently.

_Sixth-day_. School, more encouraged than sometimes: got on well with geography-cla.s.s; visited various poor people,--feeling very useless, but some satisfaction. Oh, it were a sweet thing to do good from the right motive, as a _natural_ effect of love.

I fear I do my poor share more to satisfy conscientiousness; and that is a dull thing.

_3d Mo. 17th_. Faith small, world strong; but this evening something like grasping after "the childly life beyond." A childly life I want. Oh for simplicity, faith, quietness, self-renunciation!

Yesterday rode alone to Wheal, Sister's mine. Gave W.B. tracts for the girls. Thence to Captain N., to get his daughters to collect for Bibles. His nice wife seemed interested; said it was very needful.

Many families had not a Bible there; the place a century behind the West. Rode home dripping, but glad that I had not been turned back. Learned part of the 42d Psalm in German.

_3d Mo. 27th_. What testimony of grat.i.tude can I record to that tender mercy which has drawn near to me this evening? Oh that the "Anon with joy"