How to Ruin Series Part 31

"Maybe you haven't had a date in a while because you shove food into your mouth when you eat," I say.

"Maybe I haven't had a date in a while because I've been busy," he says back.

Yeah, right. "So what kind of woman do you like?"

"Why?"

"Maybe I can help you."

"Amy, we are not having this discussion."

"But-"

"But nothing. Stop thinking about finding me a date and start concentrating on your schoolwork."

I a.s.sure you schoolwork is a lot more boring. "You know what your problem is?" I ask him.

"Yes. I have a daughter who insists she knows everything."

"That's not your problem, Aba. That's your blessing."

My dad chuckles, then sets our dinner on the table.

Taking the chopsticks from the takeout bag, I pick up a spicy tuna roll from the platter and dip it into a little container of soy sauce. I'm so glad he got sus.h.i.+ from my favorite place. They always have the tuna without any stringy white veins attached. I do not eat sus.h.i.+ with stringy white veins attached. After I pop the roll into my mouth, my insides smile.

"I forgot to ask," my dad says. "How was it at your mom's yesterday?"

I gauge his reaction as I say, "She's pregnant."

The poor man puts down his fork and stares at me. "Really?"

I nod. I can't talk now even if I wanted to. I refuse to get emotional.

"Wow."

He goes back to eating after his "wow"

comment. I want to apologize even though it's not my fault. He's probably devastated my mom chose a dork over him. Now she's not only married to the new guy, but she's had s.e.x with him to procreate. Eww. The thought of my mom having s.e.x at her age is just plain gross. The fact that she's having it with my stepdad is even grosser.

The only way to fix this situation is to find my dad a wife. Not for procreation, but so he doesn't feel like the odd one without a partner. He's for sure hiding his true feelings, covering up his devastation of losing my mom to make me feel better.

After we finish dinner, he goes to the workout room in the building while I make a beeline for the computer.

I'm web surfing. Don't worry, I know not to give out any personal information when I'm in chat rooms. My dad is a consultant for the Department of Homeland Security and has bored me to death with the dangers of the Internet until I thought my ears would bleed.

I'm not interested in chat rooms, no siree bob. I'm focused purely on finding my dad a wife. Now ... where can I find the perfect woman?

I surf the Net until I finally find it. Yeah!

Professional Jewish Singles Network.

They guarantee you will find the Jewish mate a matchmaker would be jealous of.

I saw Fiddler on the Roof. This is the best possible news.

My heart races as I read the home page and the requirements to join the PJSN.

Need to be single. Duh! Need to be between the ages of twenty-one and seventy-five. Check. My dad is a whopping thirty-seven. Need to have a college degree. Check. My dad has a degree from the University of Illinois.

Need to have a credit card to pay the $59.99 monthly fee.

Okay, the credit card thing is going to take a little manipulation.

My eyes dart over to the front door. His wallet is on the table where we put the mail. I know his credit card is inside.

I saunter over to his wallet. I've used my mom's credit card before. Of course I had permission then.

It wouldn't hurt just to take the card out.

Just to look at it. I slowly open his wallet.

Yep, in one slot the top of a s.h.i.+ny gold credit card is staring back at me. I slip it out and glance nervously at the front door.

I have at least thirty minutes before he comes back. After I put the wallet back on the table I trot back to the computer with his credit card in my hand. I'm not thinking about how it's probably illegal that I'm using someone else's card-this is about helping my father.

The words in my head are chanting soul mate, soul mate, soul mate. My dad can't just live the rest of his life in solitary misery.

I click the word Register. The computer prompts me to answer a list of questions.

My fingers automatically type in the info.

Name: Ron Barak Age: 37 Hair color: dark brown Eye color: dark brown Children: one delightful seventeen- year-old Occupation: security consultant State: Illinois Hobbies: reading, hiking, tennis, baseball Okay, I'm having a tough time with the hobbies question. And, to be completely honest, I've fudged a few of the hobbies I listed. My dad doesn't know the first thing about baseball. It's not exactly a popular Israeli sport. But if you live in Chicago, you gotta be into either baseball, basketball, hockey, or football. This is a sport-centered town. I'm not even going to get into the Cubs/Sox, North Side/South Side rivalry.

On to the next question: Describe yourself in two words.

Hmm... what two words will attract women? I type in Israeli and hunk something quick and click enter. It prompts me to scan a picture for his profile and I find one from our trip to Israel.

Finally, it asks for my credit card number. I mean his credit card number. I punch in the numbers and before you can say "stolen credit card ," my dad has his own profile, PJSN e-mail, and is ready to meet his soul mate. Oh man, oh man, I am excited. My dad is in the Professional Jewish Singles Network and is ready to join the dating scene.

Oh, s.h.i.+t. I hear the door opening and I still have my dad's credit card in my hot little hand. Do something quick, my mind tells me.

I slide the credit card under the keyboard and close all of the open windows on the computer. I'll place the Visa back in his wallet later. By the time he figures out I used it, he'll be so thrilled to have met his future wife he won't get p.i.s.sed off. In fact, he'll be thanking me all the way to the rabbi who'll marry them.

"Amy?"

He's onto me. He knows I took his credit card without permission. Oh, no. I swallow, hard. "Yeah?"

"Don't you think Mutt needs to go out?"

I let out a breath. "Uh, I guess."

"Well ... "

I stand up, put the leash on Mutt, and dash to the elevator. As soon as the elevator door opens, I'm pushed back by a huge cardboard box and almost fall backwards. My b.o.o.bs are squished, I tell you. I probably just went from a saggy C+ cup to an A cup.

"Hey!" I yell.

"Sorry," a masculine voice murmurs, then the guy puts down the box.

But he's not a man, at least not a real one. It's the boy from yesterday who caught Mutt and gave me the concerned citizen lecture.

Today he's wearing a green plaid s.h.i.+rt and jeans with a waist way too high. And I swear cranky Mr. Obermeyer has those same gym shoes.

"Arg!" Mutt barks, then tries to sniff his crotch as if he's hiding a treat in there.

Concerned Citizen covers his privates with his hands like a soccer player during a penalty kick. Then he pushes his gla.s.ses high up on his nose, the rims circling his green eyes. "Oh, it's you."

I pull Mutt away from his pants. "Just watch where you're going next time. As a concerned citizen," I add, "you should know not to crash into people with large boxes."

With my rant I miss the elevator. d.a.m.n.

I push the down arrow again.

He steps forward and trips over the box.

"Are you always this friendly?"

I don't even answer him. Where does he come off challenging me? Thankfully the elevator dings and the door opens. I hurry inside with Mutt. There's no way I'm missing my second chance at freedom.

"Arg!"

As the elevator door closes, he bends over to pick up the box again. I wonder what this boy is doing in my building, on my floor, in my life.

Avi says everything happens for a reason. I hate to disagree, but he's wrong.

4.

I've seen Fiddler on the Roof.

There was this one lady, Yente, who was the matchmaker-that was her job in the village.

Right now I'm the matchmaker.

Maybe I've found my calling ...

"Hey, girl," Marla says as I walk into Perk Me Up! after school the next day. "Jessica is at the computer corner."

Marla said she put in the computers because people wanted to be connected to the Internet and their e-mail no matter where they are. And if they want free, convenient Internet while they're drinking her coffee, all the better.

I stand behind Jessica. "What are you doing?"

Her hands are busy clicking away.

"Checking Mitch's e-mail."

"Sneaky, Jess. How'd you get his pa.s.sword?"

"I have my ways. See, that b.i.t.c.h Roxanne is e-mailing him," Jess says, pointing to the screen.

Oooh, gossip. I know it's bad, but gossip is seriously addictive and underrated. "What does she say?"

"Just that she needs help in biology, yadda yadda."

"You better watch out for her," I say.

"Now get off the computer so I can check something."

"I'm still mad at you, you know."

Me? Innocent, little me? "You'll get over it. Besides, whatever I did was probably for your own good."

"You took me to the dog park knowing Mitch would be there. Stop meddling in my life."

I huff. "I'm Jewish, what do you expect?

I was born to meddle."

Jessica shakes her head. Okay, so she has more Jewish blood because both her parents are Jewish and my dad is the one who gave me my Jewish genes. My mom gave me good fas.h.i.+on sense genes.

While Jessica goes to the bathroom, I quickly check the PJSN website and log into my father's profile.

Oh. My. G.o.d.

I've got thirty-seven responses from women who want to date me ... I mean, my dad. And, checking the home page, my dad has gotten the most hits on the PJSN website in the past twenty-four hours.

It brings popularity to a whole new level.

I'm almost giddy (does anyone use that word anymore??) as I scan the responses of women.

Three make s.e.xual innuendos. They're out.

Ten live in the suburbs. Definitely out.