The Funny Philosophers Part 20

"What?" exclaimed Toney.

"Dying?" said the Professor.

"I fear it is so," said Tom. "I was at Colonel Hazlewood's house this morning when the newspaper was brought in. Claribel took it in her hand and was glancing over it when she suddenly let it drop; sat speechless for a moment; put her hand to her brow, and then, with a faint cry, sank senseless on the floor. She had seen the paragraph announcing the departure of Clarence and Harry. We lifted her up and her lips were discolored with blood. I fear that the sudden shock produced the rupture of a blood-vessel. She was carried to her room, and two doctors are in attendance."

"But what of Imogen?" asked Toney.

"She hastily s.n.a.t.c.hed up the paper and glanced at the paragraph, and then it fell from her hand. She never uttered a word. I do not know whether that stately beauty is possessed of feeling," said Seddon.

"As much perhaps as the other," said the Professor. "Some women are like the Laconian boy, with the fox eating away his life. With them agony has no outward expression. They suffer and are silent."

"Women are enigmas," said Toney.

"They are like pigs," said the Professor.

"How so?" asked Toney.

"If you want them to go to Cork you must make them suppose you desire them to go to Kilkenny."

"I believe you are right," said Toney. "Now, here are Claribel and Imogen who have been bestowing their smiles on everybody but Clarence and Harry. For those two gentlemen, who are handsome, educated, and accomplished, neither of these young ladies has had a kindly look or friendly word for a whole week. One who was unacquainted with the secret workings of a woman's heart would have supposed that Claribel was deeply in love with Rosebud's purple proboscis."

"Who is Rosebud?" asked the Professor.

"Wiggins," said Toney.

"The fellow with the long rubicund nasal protuberance?" asked the Professor. "He who is supposed to be the Most Worthy Donkey of the Mystic Brotherhood?"

"The same," said Toney. "And Imogen appeared to be equally infatuated with the Long Green Boy."

"Who is he?" inquired the Professor.

"Sam Perch," said Toney.

"Oh, you mean the Great Green Gosling," said the Professor. "The interesting young gentleman who was so unsuccessful in his elaborate attempt at suicide."

"That's the youth," said Toney. "And now, when Clarence and Harry, worried and maddened by the caprice of these two young ladies, have gone off to Mexico, you see what has happened."

"It was all the doings of your Seven Sweethearts, as you call them,"

exclaimed Tom Seddon. "They must be made to leave the town."

"They have all gone but two," said Toney. "The exodus of Love, Dove, and Bliss leaves Pate and Wiggins alone to conduct the operations of lady-killing and making havoc among hearts."

"And Wiggins has killed Claribel, if I am not mistaken," said Seddon.

"They must be made to leave," said he, with emphasis. "Pate has been bobbing his big bald head about in the mansion of old Crabstick, and has been gallanting Ida all around. He has magnetized her eccentric guardian, who is under the impression that Pate is wealthy, and cordially welcomes him to his house; while he will hardly allow me to exchange a word with Ida, and sometimes when I am in the parlor he will have one of his fits of hypochondria, or whatever you may call it, and will come bounding in on all fours, barking and pretending to bite. It is all put on; for the old Cerberus is polite enough in the presence of M. T. Pate."

"Well, Tom, how do you propose to effect the expulsion of the n.o.ble Grand Gander and the Most Worthy Donkey?" asked Toney.

"They met me on the street about an hour ago," said Seddon, "and proposed that we three should accompany them on a serenade, intended for the entertainment of Ida."

"How far does Crabstick live from the town?" inquired Toney.

"About two miles," said Tom.

"Let us go," said Toney.

"I will arrange with some young men in Bella Vista, who will eagerly partic.i.p.ate in the performance. We will have fun," said Seddon.

"There is nothing like fun," said the Professor. "I am about to originate a sect to be called the Funny Philosophers. Let's organize it at once. We three,--Toney, Tom, and Tickle."

"Agreed," said Toney.

"And now we will commence operations by going on the proposed serenade,"

said the Professor.

"And Pate and Wiggins shall leave this town!" said Tom Seddon.

CHAPTER XVIII.

There was no moon, but the stars were brightly twinkling, when Toney, Tom, and the Professor started, in company with Wiggins and M. T. Pate, on a pedestrian excursion to the mansion of Samuel Crabstick, situated at a distance of about two miles from the town of Bella Vista. They had proceeded some distance when they came to a rustic stile which had been erected over a fence on the side of the main road, and from which a path led through a field into a forest. Toney seated himself on the stile and proposed that they should diverge from the main road and follow the path across the field; saying that it was the most direct route to their place of destination.

"I would prefer the main road," said Pate. "It is more circuitous; but there is no moon, and it will be very dark in yonder forest. We will have difficulty in finding our way through it."

"Not at all," said Toney, "I know every foot of the path, which runs in a straight line to the place we are going."

"Then, let us take the path," said the Professor. "When beauty is the attraction I always want to make a bee-line for her abode."

"That is in accordance with natural laws," said Toney. "Who ever saw pyrites of iron taking a circuitous route to the magnet? Ida is the magnet. Is it not so, Tom?"

Tom nodded a.s.sent.

"And we are the pyrites," said the Professor. "Let us go straight to the attraction, and not be acting contrary to the laws of nature."

Pate was overcome by these arguments, and, ascending the stile, was about to pursue that path, when Toney called out,--

"Don't be in a hurry, Mr. Pate. We have plenty of time."

"In fact, it is too early yet for a serenade," said the Professor. "We should wait until the young lady has put on her nightcap. If we wake her out of her first nap, when she has been wandering in the fairy-land of dreams, her impression will be that angels are singing around her window."

"That is so," said Toney. "Let us wait. I have a proposition to make."

"What is that?" asked the Professor.

"Here we are going on a serenade," said Toney. "Now, I move that each man furnish evidence of his musical accomplishments by singing a song.

Let Mr. Pate lead off."