The Funny Philosophers Part 36

"What is Mr. Pate going to do?" asked Rosabel, as Pate took a seat on the platform.

"He has presented himself for examination," said Toney.

The phrenologist carefully manipulated the big bald head before him, and then exclaimed, with enthusiasm,--

"This gentleman has a most magnificent cranium. His perceptive faculties are large, and so are the organs of firmness, benevolence, and conscientiousness; comparison is very large, and causality is immense. I have never met with a finer development of the reasoning faculties except on the skull of the distinguished lawyer of Timbuctoo, which now lies before me on the table. This gentleman would excel in intellectual pursuits, and might make a great and distinguished judge, the equal of Mansfield or Marshall."

Pate retired from the platform a proud and happy man, and from that day became an enthusiastic student of the science of phrenology.

Perch seated himself in the chair which he had vacated.

"This gentleman," said Boneskull, "is better fitted for domestic life.

He would be a devoted lover, and a disappointment in love might drive him to despair, and even suicide."

Perch hastily retired, for he recollected the bottle of brandy which he had swallowed in a fit of desperation after his unfortunate interview with the beautiful Imogen in Colonel Hazlewood's garden. Love and Dove now seated themselves in two chairs, and were examined by Boneskull, who said,--

"The organs of these gentlemen correspond in every particular. Each can sing sweetly, and either could easily win a woman's heart."

"What's that?" exclaimed the widow.

"Listen," said Rosabel.

"They could conquer in affairs of love, and either could drive a woman to despair; but neither would do so, for in both the organ of benevolence is immensely developed."

"Did you ever hear such talk?" said the widow. "Dove drive a woman to despair! Well, I wonder what he is going to say about Ned Botts?" said she, as that uncomely individual ascended the platform and seated himself in the chair.

"Perhaps," said Boneskull, with a look of embarra.s.sment, "you might be offended if I were to say what is revealed by the b.u.mps?"

"Not at all," said Botts. "Speak out."

"The organ of destructiveness is very large. This man might commit----"

"What?" said Botts.

"Murder," said Boneskull.

Botts jumped up and knocked Boneskull down, and kicked him off the platform.

"Murder! murder! murder!" roared the phrenologist as he rolled on the floor among the audience.

The ladies shrieked, and two constables rushed forward, and, seizing Botts, who was swearing vociferously, led him from the room.

"Where is Boneskull?" exclaimed a man in the crowd.

"Here he is under my feet," said another.

The little man was lifted up and placed on the platform.

"Oh, dear," said Rosabel, "he is almost murdered! Look how he is bleeding."

Boneskull put his handkerchief to his nose, from which a crimson stream was copiously flowing, and hastily retreated from the room by a back door.

The Professor followed him out, and soon returned and announced that the phrenologist was too much disabled to resume his position on the platform. It was therefore proposed to entertain the audience with some experiments in biology, and to show them the wonderful effects of a psychological illusion.

"Let any one who is so disposed," said the Professor, "sit for fifteen minutes with his eyes closed and his right thumb on his left pulse. At the end of that time I will commence my experiments."

Several persons immediately put themselves in the required position. The Professor held his watch in his hand, and at the expiration of the time named, approached M. T. Pate, who was sitting with his eyes closed and his thumb on his wrist. "Open your eyes! open your eyes, if you can!"

said the Professor, in an abrupt tone of command. Pate's eyes flew wide open. "You won't do," said the Professor, and he approached Simon Rump.

"Open your eyes! open your eyes, sir, if you can,"--but Rump's eyes were as tightly closed as if he had padlocks on the lids, and the Professor conducted him to the platform. Dove and Bliss were also unable to open their eyes, and were seated by the side of Simon Rump.

"This is a nice young lady," said the Professor, addressing Dove and pointing to Rump. "She is in love with you and expects you to court her."

Dove drew his chair close up to Rump and put his arm around his neck and kissed him. Rump looked modest and blushed deeply.

"Will you allow that?" said the Professor. "The young lady is in love with you and he is kissing her."

Bliss seized Dove and commenced pulling him away. There was quite a struggle between them, when the Professor sternly cried out,--

"What are you doing there? Quarreling over that ugly black woman?"

Dove and Bliss started back with horror depicted in their countenances.

To each of them Simon Rump had a.s.sumed the appearance of a hideous negress.

"Look out! it is a snake! it will bite you!" said the Professor, throwing down his cane. Rump, Dove, and Bliss ran around the platform with cries of terror. "It is a telescope! Pick it up! you can see the capitol at Was.h.i.+ngton through it." Rump put it to his eyes and beheld the national capitol.

"Stand here," said the Professor to Rump. "Now, whom would you like to see?--the dead?"

"No, no!" exclaimed Rump.

"The absent?"

"Yes."

"Whom?"

"Susan," said Rump.

"There she is!" said the Professor, pointing to a female form at the far end of the room. Rump uttered a cry of rapture, and, leaping from the platform, ran to the female, and threw his arms round her neck, and kissed her on both cheeks.

"Look at Simon Rump!" said the Widow Wild. "The miserable dog! he is kissing my cook, who is as black as Beelzebub."

The cook screamed, and fought Simon Rump with her nails; and another belligerent now appeared in his rear. This was Simon's angel, who had beheld his conduct with intense indignation, and was now fiercely a.s.saulting him with her parasol. Two of the cherubs also took part in the combat, and Rump was driven from the door into the street. The crowd followed, cheering the angel and the two cherubs. Rump was overpowered, and turning his back, ignominiously fled, leaving the angel and cherubs in possession of the field. While men and women stood in the street in wild excitement, the Professor locked the door of the hall and proceeded to his lodgings.

CHAPTER XXVIII.