The Funny Philosophers Part 5

"What was done with it?" inquired Seddon.

"It was fas.h.i.+oned into a woman," said Bragg.

"A what?" exclaimed Seddon, too astounded to laugh.

"Into a woman," reiterated Bragg.

"Why, I thought that woman was formed from a rib."

"That is an error of the translators," said Bragg. "I was so informed by a learned Hebrew whom I found living on the top of Mount Ararat, in a comfortable house constructed from the imperishable materials of Noah's Ark. He told me that the word should have been translated tail instead of rib."

"This important fact in anthropology," said Toney, "would seem to militate against the claims of those learned, eloquent, and distinguished ladies who are the leaders of the movement for women's rights."

"Do you mean," said Bragg, "those babbling females who leave their hen-pecked husbands at home to nurse their unclean babies, and go gadding about holding their conventions? Well, sir, give them every right which they claim. Give them every right which we have----"

"Except," said Seddon, "the privilege of shaving their chins. I hardly suppose that they will ever get that."

"No," exclaimed Bragg, "that inestimable privilege they never can obtain, let them clamor for it as much as they please! I reiterate, give them all they demand, let them vote, elect them to office, put a bale of dry-goods and crinoline in the Presidential chair, and what would be the result? Would the head govern?"

"I should think not," said Seddon, "If there is such an error in the translation as you have pointed out. Captain Bragg, I am afraid that you are a misogynist. But what becomes of your royal friend the Queen of Madagascar? She is a woman, and she governs a great nation."

"Mr. Seddon, the Queen of Madagascar is no ordinary woman. The poets of that great country say that the royal line is descended from their G.o.ds."

"That opinion may be orthodox in the island of Madagascar," said Seddon.

"In the United States of America her Majesty's poets-laureate would find a mult.i.tude of skeptics. But were those long-tailed African gentlemen, with whom you once resided, a race of negroes?"

"Their faces were black but comely," said Bragg.

"Then," said Seddon, "It is easy to foresee what will be the ultimate consequences of emanc.i.p.ation in this country."

"In what respect?" asked Bragg.

"Why, it is well known that the negro race, when emanc.i.p.ated, goes back, by degrees, to its original barbarism. Emanc.i.p.ate the negroes, and, at same future day, we will have a horrible race of savages and cannibals among us. They will run wild in our forests, and, after a time, tails will grow out from their persons. They will jump into our windows at night and carry off our babies and devour them; and no Dutchman will be safe from their cannibal ferocity. People will have to hunt them with dogs, and catch them, and cut off their tails, and civilize them again."

"Never!" exclaimed Bragg, "never! Man once civilized never goes back to his original condition. Emanc.i.p.ate the negroes and you need not apprehend that they will return to their tails."

"Are you in favor of emanc.i.p.ation, Captain Bragg?" inquired Seddon.

"My dear sir, we will not discuss that question at present. By the powers of mud! Mr. Belton," exclaimed Bragg, looking at his watch, "we have forgotten all about Botts and the challenge."

"I was about to remind you, captain," said Toney, "that as you have the choice of weapons, as well as of time and place, it is necessary that I should receive your instructions in relation to these preliminary arrangements."

"I leave time and place to you, Mr. Belton; and as to weapons, I am equally familiar with all the weapons employed in private or public warfare. I once fought a native of New Zealand with a boomerang, Mr.

Seddon."

"What sort of a weapon is that, Captain Bragg?"

"It is a missile which if it fails to hit the object at which it is aimed comes bounding back to the hand that hurls it. But, by the powers of mud! at the first throw my boomerang came bounding back with the New Zealander impaled on its point and howling for mercy."

"Then," said Toney, "I am to understand that you leave the selection to me, and will not refuse to fight with any weapon I may designate?"

"Refuse! certainly not. I will fight with a harpoon if you so choose, or a gun loaded with Greek fire."

"Or hot water," suggested Seddon.

"To be sure," said Bragg.

"Captain Bragg, would you really fight with a gun loaded with hot water?" inquired Toney.

"Mr. Belton," said Bragg, "he is a poor workman who finds fault with his tools. I will face my antagonist with any weapon which he is not afraid to hold in his own hand."

"Very good," said Belton. "And now I must leave you with Mr. Seddon, while I have an interview with Wiggins, who, it seems, is Botts's second."

Toney took up his hat and left the room, as Bragg was in the act of poising a cane for the purpose of showing Seddon how to hurl a boomerang.

FOOTNOTE:

[2] The theory of an eloquent lecturer in a discourse recently delivered in Boston.

CHAPTER VI.

Toney found Wiggins in his apartment in the hotel. The latter received the representative of Captain Bragg with the formal politeness befitting the occasion. After some conversation in relation to the business which had brought them together, Toney proceeded to say,--

"Mr. Wiggins, my princ.i.p.al has, as you know, the selection of time and place, as well as of weapons."

"Undoubtedly, Mr. Belton. You will be so good as to name the time."

"To-morrow, between daybreak and sunrise," said Belton.

"Very good," said Wiggins. "And the place?"

"The cl.u.s.ter of trees which stand on the east side of the town."

"An excellent selection," said Wiggins.

"And the weapons, Mr. Belton?"

"Broad-axes," said Toney.

"What?" exclaimed Wiggins.

"Broad-axes," reiterated Toney.

"What?" said Wiggins, in a tremulous tone.