Mr. Punch's Railway Book Part 14

_Groom._ "Beg pardon, sir,--but wos your name Tomkins?" _Tomkins._ "Yes!" _Groom._ "If you please, sir, master says he wos werry sorry as he couldn't send the feeaton--but, as his young 'oss wanted exercise, he thought you wouldn't mind ridin' of 'im!"

[_Tomkins bursts into a cold perspiration._]

SUBURBAN HOSPITALITY.

SCENE--_A mile and a half to the railway station, on a bitter winter's night._

_Genial Host (putting his head out of doors)._ Heavens! what a night!

Not fit to turn a dog out! (_To the parting guest._) Well, good-night, old chap. I hope you find your way to the station.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A LUXURIOUS HABIT

_Philanthropist (to railway porter)._ "Then what time do you get to bed?"

_Porter._ "Well, I seldom what yer may call gets to bed myself, 'cause o' the night trains. But my brother, as used to work the p'ints further down the line, went to bed last Christmas after the accident, and never----"

[_Train rushes in, and the parties rush off._]

HARD LINES ON INDIVIDUALS.--The compulsory purchase of land by a railway company is insult added to injury. The buyers take a site in the seller's face.

"THE ROLL OF THE AGES."--The penny roll at railway refreshment-rooms.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE OTHER WAY ABOUT"

_Irate Pa.s.senger (as train is moving off)._ "Why the ---- didn't you put my luggage in as I told you--you old ----"

_Porter._ "E--h, man! yer baggage es na sic a fule as yersel. Ye're i'

the wrang train!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Railway Porter._ "Dogs not allowed inside the carriages, sir!"

_Countryman._ "What not a little tooy tarrier? Wall, thee'd better tak'

un oot then, young man!"]

THE PORTER'S SLAM

[A meeting at Manchester raised a protest against the nuisance caused by the needlessly loud "slamming" of railway carriage doors.]

The porter has a patent "slam,"

Which smites one like a blow, And everywhere that porter comes That "slam" is sure to go.

It strikes upon the tym-pa-num Like shock of dynamite; By day it nearly makes you dumb-- It deafens you at night.

When startled by the patent "slam"

The pious "pas-sen-jare,"

Says something else that ends in "am"

(Or he has patience rare).

Not only does it cause a shock, But--Manchester remarks-- "Depreciates the rolling stock,"

Well, that is rather larks!

_That's_ not the point. The porter's slam Conduces to insanity, And, though as mild as Mary's lamb, Drives men to loud profanity.

If Manchester the "slam" can stay By raising of a stir, All railway-travellers will say, "Bully for Man-ches-ter!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: MANNERS AND CVSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE IN 1849

A raylway statyon. Showynge ye travellers refreshynge themselves.]

MR. PIPS HIS DIARY

_Tuesday, July 31, 1849._--Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her though I do not care 2_d._ about her! But am mightily troubled to know whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me altogether __6 2_s._ 6_d._ To the Great Western station in a cab, by reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone there for 2_s._ 6_d._ less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the first cla.s.s notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it is generally in the second and third cla.s.ses. So we settled, and the carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us, I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the _Times_, till one got in at Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage, and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment, and there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appet.i.te, notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the refreshment-room with a crowd of pa.s.sengers, all pus.h.i.+ng, and jostling, and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a gla.s.s of Guinness his stout!

Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon station.

[Ill.u.s.tration: NARCISSUS

_Little Podgers (who considers himself rather a lady-killer)._ "Oh, I'm not going into that empty carriage; put me into one with some pretty gals."

Porter. "You jump in, sir, and put yer 'ead out of the winder, you'll soon have a carriage-full."

[Podgers sees it immediately, and enters.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Lionel (to his rich uncle's coachman, who has driven him over to the station)._ "And look here, Sawyer, give the governor this accidental insurance ticket with my love. I haven't forgotten him, and if anything happens to me, there's a thousand pounds for him!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON"

_Guest._ "It's very kind of you to----"

_Hosts._ "Oh, we should not have felt comfortable unless we'd come with you, and--seen the last of you----!!"]