Mr. Punch's Railway Book Part 20

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT OF 1845]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER

_Diner._ "Ticket."

_Clerk._ "What station?"

_Diner._ "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM"

_Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy perplexity, suddenly)._ "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Third-cla.s.s single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket.

How much?"

"Fourpence-halfpenny--threepence for the dog, and three-halfpence for yourself."

"Ah! you reckon by _legs_ on this line."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE QUESTION SETTLED

_Mrs. M-l-pr-p._ "The fact is, my love, that these terrible collusions would never occur if the trains was only more punctilious!"]

A NEEDLESS PANIC.--Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference shares.

THOUGHT BY A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--Britannia used to rule the waves. She now rules the land--with lines.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE OLD HALL]

(_A Story of Delusive Aspirations_)

1. Jones was a tuft-hunter. One day, in a train, he encountered an elderly gentleman who aroused great interest in his bosom. "Porter,"

said that elderly gentleman, "'ave you seen my old hall?" "Got an old hall!" murmured Jones to himself. "Rich man--probably duke! Should like to cultivate him!"

2. The stranger was affable. "Did you ever 'ave an old hall?" he said.

"Why--er--n-no," said Jones. "Very convenient thing to 'ave," said the stranger. "I've got all manner o' things in my old hall." "Ah--armour, and ancestors, and tapestry, and secret doors, no doubt," thought Jones to himself.

3. "You must see my old hall," said the stranger. "I'll show you all the ins and outs of it. I can put you up----" "Really very good of you!"

exclaimed Jones. "Shall be delighted to accept----" "Put you up to no hend of wrinkles about old halls," continued the stranger.

4. They alighted at the terminus. "There--there's my old hall! Hain't it a beauty?" said the stranger. Jones sank slowly to the earth, without a groan. That ungrammatical stranger's vaunted possession was a hold-all.

RULES FOR THE RAIL

A REMINISCENCE OF THE BAD OLD DAYS

The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.

1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.

2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.

3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only.

During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue running by day and by night as heretofore.

4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them.

He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.

5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine should never sleep at the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.

6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-cla.s.s pa.s.sengers.

7. The _debris_ of a train should be removed from the rails before an express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.

8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their places will in future be filled by surgeons. Pa.s.sengers are particularly requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices charged to the public for excursion tickets.

9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.

10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the waiting-rooms of the third-cla.s.s pa.s.sengers will be converted into surgeries for first-cla.s.s pa.s.sengers. As these saloons will be fitted with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra charge will be made to pa.s.sengers using them.

11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind) any director convicted of travelling by any railway.

[Ill.u.s.tration: ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLa.s.s CARRIAGES

"Are there any second-cla.s.s carriages on this line, Rogers?"

"No, my lord."