Mr. Punch's Railway Book Part 22

[Ill.u.s.tration: SO LIKELY!

SCENE--_Bar of a railway refreshment-room._

_Barmaid._ "Tea, sir?"

_Mr. Boozy._ "Tea!!! ME!!!!"]

AS SHYLOCK SAID.--_Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount._ "Give me my princ.i.p.al, and let me go."

[Ill.u.s.tration: A SPEEDY RETRIBUTION

_Small Boy._ "'Arf ticket ter Baker Street."

[_Pays, and awaits delivery of ticket_

_Clerk._ "It's a shameful thing, a kid like you smoking!"

_Small Boy (indignantly)._ "Who are yer callin' a kid? I'm fourteen!"

_Clerk._ "Oh, are you? Then you pay full fare to Baker Street!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS

By breathing on the gla.s.s--and holding a speaking doll by way of baby to the window--you may generally keep your compartment select.]

SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE

If you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their wedding-tour.

If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau, accompanied by a neat little trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon.

If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A. R. A., is going to Brittany in search of subjects.

If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City hurriedly for Spain.

If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the Detective Police) to follow the same _route_ taken by Captain Bubble _en voyage_ for Spain.

If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and family are engaged in "doing" Europe.

If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month.

If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick, you may know that _Mr. Punch_ is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself.

[Ill.u.s.tration: ADJUSTMENT

_Our Station-Master (to old Jinks, whom he had kindly provided with a foot-warmer on a journey down the line to see his sick daughter)._ "Well, did you find the benefit of it, Master Jinks?"

_Old Jinks._ "Oh, aye, thankee, Mr. Green! Tha' there box o' hot water tha' wor uncommon' comfor'able, sure-ly! I sat on 'm the whol' o' the way, an' tha' did warm me up to-rights, I can tell 'ee!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Pa.s.senger._ "Well, you say you've put all my luggage safe, what are you waiting for?--I thought you were forbidden to take money!"

_Porter._ "So we is, sir. We never 'takes' it--it's 'given to us!'"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE LIMITED MALE.]

SONG FOR ENGINE-DRIVERS BEFORE A COLLISION.--"Whistle--and I'll come to you, my lad."

"READING between the lines" is a dangerous occupation--when there's a train coming.

THE HIGH-METALLED RACER.--A locomotive engine.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A DEFINITION WANTED

"Beg pardon, sir, but don't you see the notice?"

"Yes, my good fellow, but I never said I was a gentleman!"]

MY SEASON TICKET

Ever against my breast, Safe in my pocket pressed, Ready at my behest, Daintily pretty Gilt-printed piece of leather, Though fair or foul the weather, Daily we go together Up to the City.

Yet, as I ride at ease, Papers strewn on my knees, And I hear "Seasons, please!"

Shouted in warning: Pockets I search in vain All through and through again; "Pray do not stop the train-- Lost it this morning.