Mr. Punch's Railway Book Part 5

[Ill.u.s.tration: RISKS

_Shrewd Clerk (with an eye to his percentage)._ "Take an accident insurance ticket, sir?"

_Pa.s.senger (nervously)._ "Wha' for?!"

_Clerk._ "Well, sir, nothing has gone wrong 'twixt this and London for the last fourteen months; and, by the haverages, the next smash on the hup line is hoverdue exactly six weeks and three days!!"

[_Old Gent forks out with alacrity._]

TO MY "PUFF PUFF"

Puff me away from the noise and the worry; Puff me away from the desolate town; Puff me--but don't be in too great a hurry; Puff me, but don't in a tunnel break down.

Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet Swiftly--or e'en at the pace called the snail's, Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it Into my nostrils--but don't leave the rails.

Puff me away, far from Parliament's houses; For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst-- For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses; Puff me, but mind that your boiler don't burst.

Puff me _en route_ for care-killing Killarney, Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride; Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney, Puff, puff, like blazes--but, _please_, don't "collide!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE

_Customer_ (Time--_Sat.u.r.day afternoon_). "I don't want all coppers in change for that s.h.i.+lling. Haven't you got any silver?"

_Newsboy._ "All right, sir. Want a little Sunday money, I s'pose, sir?"]

TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER

At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,-- The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin'."

I tipped him as thy welcome form He carried, with a grateful smile, in.

Alas! thou art a faithless friend, Thy warmth was but dissimulation; Thy tepid glow is at an end, And I am nowhere near my station!

I s.h.i.+ver, cold in feet and hands, It is a legal form of slaughter, They don't warm (!) trains in other lands With half a pint of tepid water.

I spurn thy coldness with a kick, And pile on rugs as my protectors, I'd send--to warm them--to Old Nick, Thy parsimonious directors!

DIFFERENT WAYS OF TRAVELLING.--Man travels to expand his ideas; but woman--judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with her--travels only with the object of expanding her dresses.

"THE BEST OF MOTIVES."--Locomotives.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "A LIBERAL MEASURE"

_Rude Boy (to stout party on weighing-machine, which is out of order, and won't work)._ "Shove in another penny, guv'nor. It's double fare to chaps o' your size!"]

FOXHUNTER'S DEFINITION OF A MAIL-TRAIN.--A Post and Rails.

AS A RULE.--"Signal Failures"--Railway accidents.

THREE RAILWAY GAUGES.--Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow Gauge, and the Lug-gage.

[Ill.u.s.tration: ZOOLOGY

_Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets)._ "'Station-master say, mum, as cats is 'dogs,' and rabbits is 'dogs,' and so's parrots; but this ere 'tortis' is a insect, so there ain't no charge for it!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: LOGIC

_Stout Party._ "What! no room! Ain't that man just got out? If people can get out, people can get in!"]

THE QUICKEST OF ALL EXPRESS TRAINS.--The train of thought.

STARTLING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.--A punctual train.

KEEP YOUR TEMPER.--Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words.

"DON'T TOUCH ME, OR I'LL SCREAM!" as the engine whistle said to the stoker.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "A MAN AND A Pa.s.sENGER!"