Mr. Punch's Railway Book Part 8

_Fem. T. (regardless of grammar)._ Who's somebody?

_Male T. (smiling)._ Think of your own name.

_Fem. T._ What next?

_Male T._ Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in exchange. (_Train arrives at a station._)

_Guard (without)._ All change!

[_And later on they do._

THE PATRON SAINT OF RAILWAYS.-St. Pan-crash.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A NON-SEQUITUR

_Affable Old Gentleman (who has half a minute to spare)._ "I suppose now, my boy, you take a good sum of money during the day?"

_s...o...b..ack._ "Yessur, 'cause lots o' gintleman, when they wants to ketch a train, gives me sixpence!"

[_Old gent finds the sixpence, but in thinking over it afterwards, couldn't see the connection._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE TWOPENNY TUBE

"Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!"

"No; all our tickets are alike."

"Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING

_Stout Party (rather hot)._ "Hope you don't find the breeze too much, sir?"

_Fellow Pa.s.senger._ "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SKYLIGHT VIEW--A RAILWAY STATION]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage)._ "Don't you keep a brush for that work, porter?"

_Porter._ "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're allowed. But--they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!" [_Hint taken._]

IN A SLOW TRAIN

"Look out for squalls"--on land or sea-- Where duty or where pleasure calls, A golden rule it seems to be, Look out for squalls.

Yet in a train that slowly crawls Somehow it most appeals to me.

For then sometimes, it so befalls,

An infant on its mother's knee In my compartment Fate installs-- Which makes a nervous man, you see, Look out for squalls!

RAILWAY MAXIMS

(_Perfectly at the Service of any Railway Company_)

Delays are dangerous.

A train in time saves nine.

Live and let live.

After a railway excursion, the doctor.

Do not halloo till you are out of the train.

Between two trains we fall to the ground.

Fire and water make good servants but bad masters.

A director is known by the company he keeps.

A railway train is the thief of time.

There is no place like home--but the difficulty is to get there.

The farther you go, the worse is your fare.

It's the railway pace that kills.

The great charm about a railway accident is that, no matter how many lives are lost, "no blame is ever attached to any one."

A railway is long, but life is short--and generally the longer a railway, the shorter your life.