Stories by American Authors Volume II Part 9

"Let's take another pack while these gimlet-eyed fellows hunt up the markings. This edition was gotten up by Sunderland for a high-low-jack pack, and was read the first night. The profession never use it, the marks are so apparent. Try it once at all-fours."

The cards were dealt by the captain, and Malcolm said, "I will stand, although I have but one trump, for you have none." And Malcolm made three points.

"Had you detected the manipulation, I should have lost and you would have made three.

"Try another pack. This had a run of three months before it was detected. It is well executed, and only the most sagacious and quick-sighted are never mistaken in the cards. There is not an edition of cards that I cannot read as well by seeing one side as the other.

No pack was ever edited in fairness to both parties. A man is a fool who will get out such an edition. I carried two new ones to the B---- house in London, and won thirteen nights with them."

One of the company who had been out and returned, produced a pack with plain backs, and asked triumphantly if Mr. Malcolm would please to read them by the backs.

"This edition," said Malcolm, "was gotten up in Edinburgh by an Irishman named Mulligan, and was popular for a while, but when he won every night with it suspicions were aroused, and finally a boy twelve years old deciphered it. I can tell each card across the room." And he did.

And so the entertainment went on, Malcolm winning every game till supper was served; not one of the company detecting how it was done.

"Now, boys," said Malcolm "this is my treat, and please enjoy yourselves, for I shall expect you all to be in court when my case is tried, to laugh on my side. Lawyers don't understand the value of a chuckle in swaying a jury in a doubtful case. Lay to. 'The art of cookery,' says Henry Cornelius Agrippa, 'is very useful if not dishonest.' My appet.i.te is good, and I trust you are all likewise minded, for Beaumont and Fletcher say, 'What an excellent thing G.o.d did bestow upon man when he gave him a good appet.i.te. Mine is almost equal to that of Erisichthon described by Ovid,--

'Thus Erisichthon's profane chops devour All sorts of food: in him food is the cause Of hunger: and he will employ his jaws To whet his appet.i.te.'

"'Tis said that Maximus, the Emperor who succeeded Alexander Memneaus, consumed forty pounds of flesh in one day, and drank an amphora of wine containing forty-eight quarts.

"Waiter, pa.s.s your wines. No blue ruin or heavy wet. In the days of the great Caesar all feasts began with eggs and ended with fruits, cream and apples; hence the proverb, _ab avo usque ad mala_, and the man who did not crush his eggsh.e.l.l or put his folded napkin on his left knee, was considered a fool. As we have not eggs we will do our best with the napkins. No melancholy subjects at this table. So here's luck." And all drank a b.u.mper.

"Did you ever hear how Pope Julius III. became enraged against his cook for not having saved him a cold peac.o.c.k for supper, and how he began to blaspheme? Whereupon one of his cardinals said to him, 'Let not your Holiness be so moved with a matter of so little weight.'

'What!' said the pope, 'if G.o.d was so angry for one apple that he cast our first parents out of Paradise, why may not I, his vicar, be angry for a peac.o.c.k, sithers a peac.o.c.k is greater than an apple?'

"The oysters from Tarentum, so prized by one of the Caesars, I forget which, were not to be compared to these. Captain, take a hand at them.

Let me give you a song."

And with a sweet melodious voice and a Scotch accent, he sang Burns's Ode on the Haggis.

"'Fair, fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the pudding race: Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Paunch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye worthy o' a grace As lang's my arm.'

"This bird is excellent; whoever cooked it,

'His name should be enrolled In Estcourt's book, whose gridiron's framed of gold.'

"Help yourselves, gentlemen, digestion is the business of the stomach, and indigestion that of the physicians. It is better to dine late, for one can then concentrate all his thoughts upon his plate, forget business, and only think of eating and drinking and going to bed. Ha, ha! I should have omitted the bed in quoting from the gourmands, for they would rather fast than be obliged to eat a good dinner in a hurry. Five hours is little enough, provided Mr. Burchard shall not in the mean time appear and drive us away.

"This venison is delicious; none was ever better served. The Roman Senators debated the question how a turbot should be cooked, and the author of this dish deserves a place among such.

"Montmaur is reported to have said that Easter and Christmas were the two best days in the year. Easter because it was farthest from Lent, and Christmas because then you breakfasted at midnight. Who says this is not equal to Montmaur's Christmas breakfast?"

This sort of banter, interspersed with songs and stories, was kept up till a late hour, when all of a sudden the keepers awoke to the fact that Malcolm had flown. The visitors laughed heartily. The company dispersed, not standing upon the order of their going. The table was cleared, and the office put in order. Only one of the keepers remained, who resembled in appearance a cat that had played with her mouse and lost it; the others were out looking for Malcolm. At an early hour in the morning he returned, and seating himself at Mr.

Burchard's desk, wrote him this note:

MR. BURCHARD,--

I trust I did not disturb your repose. I found, this morning, in your safe in your house this pretty little casket sent you from your English namesake. I have seen it often before, but wanted another squint at it, and I have brought it to your office lest some burglar might steal it from your house.

I noticed your wife's watch lying around loose in your sleeping-room, which is of no great value--to me,--and I contented myself with the charms, which I will put into your steel chest, here in the office, for safe keeping against the time of my need. The putting a yoke on the keys of your door, so I could not turn them with the nippers, was all useless.

The chair poised against your sleeping-room door gave me a deal of trouble, and I could not put it back as I found it.

Please excuse me. The thread on the stairs attached to an alarm-bell might as well have been omitted. The old-fas.h.i.+oned fork against the bolt I put back as I found it, and came out by the dining-room window. Your portfolio you will find between the beds on which you were sleeping. It took me half an hour to make you turn over so I could do it. George Waters is my counsel, to whom I have committed my case. He will arrange the evidence. Unless you eat your own words, you will sit beside him and ask the jury if they believe the case is made out beyond a reasonable doubt, for I know better than you the weight of your character. I shall be in jail by breakfast-time.

MALCOLM.

At the bottom of the note was a well-drawn hand with spread fingers at the end of a man's nose.

When all the officers had returned, dropping in one by one, towards morning, they were somewhat surprised and relieved upon beholding Malcolm. He informed them that it would be all right if they would all appear at his trial and laugh for him.

At the trial, Mr. Burchard, care-worn and nervous, made his appearance. Mr. Waters conducted the testimony for the defence. Mr.

Burchard inquired of him what testimony Malcolm relied upon, and was answered that no testimony whatever was to be introduced, but he would rely altogether upon the lack of testimony on the part of the government. A cold s.h.i.+ver ran down Burchard's backbone. The question of guilty or not guilty turned upon the ident.i.ty of the mat previously spoken of, which, it was a.s.serted, Malcolm threw away as he ran. The watchman testified positively to the fact, but it was in the night, and he might have been mistaken. Mr. W. H. B. testified generally as to the robbery, and recognized the mat as probably the one made by his daughter, although he could not positively make oath to the fact. As the case turned upon the testimony of Miss B., I give the whole of the cross-examination.

_Question by Mr. Waters._ You have said that you _know_ this mat to have been the work of your own hands, and that you made it for a particular purpose. If you please, what was that purpose?

_Answer._ I had presented me on Christmas a fine statuette of Samuel, which I admired so much that I worked this mat with great care upon which to place it.

_Q._ And did you work it from a pattern?

_A._ Yes, sir.

_Q._ And have you ever seen others like it?

_A._ Yes, sir, three, but not in this city.

_Q._ And where did you get the pattern?

_A._ From a friend in Philadelphia.

_Q._ Now, if you have seen other mats like this, how do you know, of your own knowledge, that this is not some other lady's work?

_A._ I know it is my work because the centre portion of the mat was left plain, which centre is exactly the size of the base of my statuette.

_Q._ Is there any other reason which you can give?

_A._ I know it looks like my mat.

_Q._ Certainly, but would it not look like your mat if it had been wrought by another lady?

_A._ Perhaps so.

_Q._ You say _perhaps_ so; would it not certainly so look?

_A._ I think it would.

_Q._ Have you the statuette now?

_A._ Yes, sir, it is at our house.

At this point of the trial the statuette was sent for and brought into court by the father of the witness. Mr. Waters took it into his possession. Considerable discussion arose when the prosecuting attorney insisted upon being allowed to examine it. Mr. Waters became almost violent, and declared he would smash the image rather than be so imposed upon. He was cross-examining the witness with no testimony for the accused, and he insisted upon his rights without interruption.