A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 12

_Maigre._ Pardie, somebody be drunk or mad among you, for by gar, me no understand your Vards.

_Skin._ Why Gentlemen, I sent for you to make my Will.

_Doct._ You did so, Sir, and you have made it. And it is registered.

And there is the Copy. Ask your Nephew, and these Ladies, and your maid Lucy, and the Footman here.

_Shar._ No pray, Sir, don't bring me into it; I was not here.

_Doct._ You are right, Friend, I believe you were not here, but ask all the rest.

_Skin._ Nephew, do you know anything of all this?

_Bell._ Upon my word, Sir, what the Doctor says is true.

_Skin._ How! True, Lucy?

_Lucy._ Indeed, Sir, you did make a Will before you had your fit, but you have forgot it, I suppose.

_Skin._ Why this is all a Contrivance, a Conspiracy, a--pray when did I make this Will?

_Doct._ Why, Sir, it is not ten minutes since you signed it, and all these are Witnesses. (_Pointing on their own side of the room_)

_Shar._ No pray, Sir, leave me out. I will be sworn in any Court in Westminster, Sir Isaac, that I know nothing of the matter.

_Maigre._ By Gar, this Doctor Leatherhead be one ver great Fripon.--Harkee, Sir, you say he make de Signature to the Will in these ten a Minute.

_Doct._ Yes Sir.

_Maigre._ By Gar, dat cannot be, fo[r] Monsieur Cormorant and myself be vid him above thirteen, and he make no Will in that time, Jarnie bleu.

_Coun._ It is very true, Gentlemen, that we can attest.

_Skin._ Pray Doctor, let me see this Will; read it if you please.

_Doct._ Sir Isaac Skinflint being seated in his great Chair--um underwritten--Sound Senses tho' infirm in Body.

_Skin._ No matter for the Preamble.

_Doct._ Um, um, um, committed to writing his underwritten Will, in Manner and Form following; Imprimis, I will that all my Debts be paid.

_Skin._ Debts! I do not owe one s.h.i.+lling in the World.

_Doct._ You forget, Sir Isaac, you owe for the Nursing of a b.a.s.t.a.r.d Child at Wandsor, and several little dribbling Debts where you used to meet your Wenches.

_Skin._ How a b.a.s.t.a.r.d; why I never had a b.a.s.t.a.r.d in my Life--but once--and that was forty years ago with a great red Hair Wench, a Maid that my Father had--but it was when I was a Lad and I did not know what I was about.

_Doct._ Item, I do const.i.tute my Nephew Bellair whole and sole Executor, disinheriting and cutting off all other Persons.

_Skin._ This is a scene of Villainy.

_Doct._ Saving those hereafter mentioned-unto Harriet Lovewealth my Niece that shall be, I do bequeath the set of Diamond Bracelets--Mortgaged by the----

_Skin._ This is all a Robbery.

_Coun._ Let 'em go on, Sir Isaac, you have your Remedy.

_Skin._ This is all a Robbery.

_Doct._ To my Maid Lucy, one thousand pounds.

_Skin._ O monstrous; I never intended to give her a Farthing.

_Doct._ Item, to that honest Fellow Slipstring Shark.

_Shar._ That is me, Sir Isaac, and I humbly thank your Honour.

_Doct._ I bequeath him three hundred pounds per Annum during his natural Life, to be paid out of that part of my Estate he shall think proper.

_Shar._ O blessings on your generous Heart. It was always fond of rewarding Merit.

_Skin._ Read no more--I'll have every one of you indicted for Forgery--and Conspiracy and--first take Notice, Councellour Cormorant and Monsieur du Maigre, that I deny that Will to be any Act of mine--and that I cancel it to all Intents and Purposes.

_Doct._ That you can't do, Sir--for by way of Marriage Articles between Bellair and Harriet Lovewealth you have signed a Deed conformable to this Will.

_Skin._ Why this is such a piece of Villainy as the Records of Westminster Hall cannot match.

_Coun._ Do not be uneasy Sir Isaac, you have one, and one certain way of oversetting all their Villainy; and that is by confessing that you made this Will, and proving that you were out of your Senses when you did it, which may easily be done by proper Witnesses. (_Aside_)

_Skin._ I'll confess that or anything--to get my money again, and to hang them all--Doctor Leatherhead, I begin now to remember something of the making of this Will,--but I can prove I was lightheaded and out of my Senses when I did it.

_Doct._ Sir Isaac, it is no Affair of mine.--It is your Nephew's Concern; if he is willing to let such Chicane pa.s.s upon him, he may; but if he has a Mind to insist upon the Will, I'll undertake to prove you were in your Senses as perfectly as ever you were in your Life.

_Skin._ And will you insist, Nephew?

_Bell._ It is not in my Power to be off it, Sir, for in consequence that you were sincere when you made this Will, my Lady Lovewealth here has given me her Daughter, and her own Chaplain has just now put the finis.h.i.+ng hand to the Business in the next Room, before all these Witnesses.

_Skin._ So you won't resign?

_Bell._ I can't, Sir.

_Skin._ Come along, Mr. Cormorant, I'll hamper them all--I'll prove myself out of my Senses before I sleep. (_Exit Skinflint and Cormorant_)

_Maigre._ By gar, dis be all ver great, much Surprize upon me, van, pardie, pardie make the Man make a de Vill veder he will or no, and de Man say he will prove dat he be Lunatic and lightheaded--by gar, me never hear de like in France, pardie, etc. etc. (_Exit_)

_Shar._ Well I believe this Affair is over for tonight; and upon my Word, I am heartily glad of it, for I have been in very sweating Circ.u.mstances ever since it began, but especially since Sir Isaac came to Life. I was afraid that single incident would have d.a.m.ned our whole Intrigue; but thanks to the Gentlemen of the Gown, I now begin to have some hopes we shall succeed. I have done my Master's Business completely, and as Executors go, I do not think that I have been too partial to myself--I believe there are several honest Gentlemen who walk the 'Change and go to Church constantly [who] would have thought they acted very generously if they had given Bellair even an equal Dividend--but I beg Pardon--you are to judge, not I, and unless you approve the Deed, I shall denounce my Share of the Legacy.

_For should our Will in Westminster be tried The Right, I fear, would fall on t'other side.

Here you are absolute; confirm my Cause.