A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 14

_Foot._ No indeed, Zir, it was a mistake of mine; I mean it made me cry zo I could not leave it.

_Cank._ Leave your blundering, you blockhead, and tell me how it was received; did they hiss it?

_Foot._ Yes Zir, yes Zir, there was as much hizzing as when your Tragedy was acted.

_Cank._ Rascal, how dare you mention that, hissed. (_Strikes him_)

_Foot._ Why what the Devil would you have a Man zay. You be'ent pleased when I tell you it was clapt, nor you be'ent pleased when I tell you it was hissed. (_Cries_) But whether you are pleased or no, I tell you it was clapt very much and was ten times comicaller than your Tragedy, and made the People laugh more.

(_Runs off for fear of being beat_)

_Cank._ How this ignorant Rascal has teized me by his Account! I can't tell whether it was d.a.m.ned or saved; he said it was clapt--but he said afterwards it was hissed--it may be so for _it is impossible mere Incidents_, which are the chief Merit of this Piece, should make it succeed! Were I sure of that, would I had gone myself! O what a secret Rapture should I have had in the hypocritical Exertion of my seeming good Nature in the Author's behalf. When I was sure it would not serve him, I would have stabbed and wounded his Fame by my pity for his ill Success, 'till I had made both him and his Play as contemptible as Vanity and Dullness, but the Fear of being martyred by its Applause was insupportable. I could never have survived it.

(_Enter Mr._ HEARTLY)

_Heart._ Mr. Canker, your most humble Servant.

_Cank._ Mr. Heartly, yours.

_Heart._ Are the Ladies come home from the Play?

_Cank._ Not yet, Sir; weren't you there, Mr. Heartly?

_Heart._ No, Sir, I had some Business of Consequence which prevented me. _I hear there were prodigious Crowds there and that the House was full by four o'clock._

_Cank._ I am surprized at that, for I think that this Author has never writ for the Stage before.

_Heart._ That may be the Reason why he excites such Curiosity now; for the People look upon every new Author as a Candidate for publick Fame or Disgrace; and as the Right of Election is vested in them, each Man's Friends.h.i.+p, Vanity, or Envy prompts him to exert his Authority the first Night, lest he should never have an Opportunity afterwards.

_Cank._ Well I wish this Gentleman well of his Election. _I knew him at School and College_, and have some small Acquaintance with him now; a--a--as a Man I like him extremely, but--as--an--a--a--a--a--an Author, a, um,--I wish he had not writ, that's all.

_Heart._ Why so Sir, I think there is not a Gentleman in Britain but might be proud of being the Author of a well wrote Play.

_Cank._ Ha, ha, Lord, Mr.--sure you can't call his a Play. _It is rather a Pantomime, a thing stuffed with Escapes, Pursuits, Ladders of Ropes and Scenes in the Dark, all a parcel of Pantomimical Finesses such as you see every Night at Rich's Entertainments. Ranger is really the Harlequin and Mr. Strictland Colombine's Husband; though the Author is an Acquaintance and a Man whom I respect, notwithstanding I have so contemptible an Opinion of the Play, I heartily wish he may succeed._

_Heart._ This is a very strange way of showing your Respect, Mr.

Canker.

_Cank._ Sir, I a.s.sure you my Censure of the Piece arises from my Esteem of the Author. I would have him exploded now, that he may not expose himself by writing again. Besides I have some Concern for the Publick; it should not be overrun with every Fool _who mistakes Inclination for Genius_.

_Heart._ Nor plagued with every invidious Wretch who mistakes Envy for Judgment and a.s.surance for Parts. If the Suspicious Husband has Merit, the Publick will reward it; if not they will condemn it.

_Cank._ The Publick! ha, ha, ha, Mr. Heartly, ask any Man of real Taste and Learning what he thinks of publick Judgment.

_Heart._ 'Tis true they have been often in the wrong, but then it is always on the good Natured Side. They have sometimes applauded where perhaps they should have censured, _but there never was an Instance where they condemned unjustly_.

_Cank._ Yes Sir, they condemned several of my pieces unjustly and shamefully, and _if they applaud such a piece as the Suspicious Husband_, I say they have lost all Taste of good Writing and true Comedy.

_Heart._ O here is my Lady's Woman, Mrs. Chatter: she has been at the Play and can give us the whole Account of it.

(_Enter Mrs._ CHATTER _and_ FOOTMAN)

_Mrs. Chat._ Pray Mr. Thomas, be so good as to get me a Gla.s.s of Water.

_Foot._ Yes ma'm. (_Going_)

_Chat._ And pray give this Capuchin and Fan to the Chambermaid.

_Foot._ Yes ma'm. (_Exit_)

_Chat._ Gentlemen, I beg ten thousand Pardons, but I must sit down a bit, I am so immensely fatigued.

_Heart._ Pray Mrs. Chatter, what it is Matter?

_Chat._ Matter! The Devil fetch the new Play for me, and the Play-House, and the Players, and all of them together, for I was never so chagrinned since I was born.

_Cank._ What you did not like the Play, I suppose, Mrs. Chatter, nor the Acting.

_Chat._ O quite the contrary, Sir, I never saw a prettier Play in all my Life, and I think Mr. Ranger the Templer is a charming Fellow! O lud! I protest I should not care to trust myself with him in his Chambers--well he made me laugh a thousand times tonight, with his going up the Ladder of Ropes, and then into the Lady's Chamber, and his dropping his Hat, and his going to ravish Jacyntha, and a thousand comical things--but he brings all off at last. (_Enter Footman with a Gla.s.s of Water_) O Mr. Thomas, I thank you. (_Drinks, gives him the Gla.s.s, Footman is going off_) O Mr. Thomas.

_Foot._ Madam.

_Chat._ I vow I am over Shoes and Boots with walking home from the Playhouse; there was neither Chair nor Coach to be had for Love or Money; pray will you tell the Chambermaid to leave out some clean things for me in my Lady's dressing Room.

_Foot._ I shall, Madam. (_Going_)

_Chat._ O one thing more--pray Mr. Thomas, let the Monkey and the Parrot be removed out of my Lady's dressing Room, for I know she won't care to converse with them tonight.--The new Comedy I suppose will engross our Chat for one week at least.

_Foot._ A pox on these Monkeys and Parrots and these second hand Quality; they require more Attendance than our Ladies. (_Exit_)

_Heart._ Pray Mrs. Chatter, if you were pleased with the Play and the Acting, from whence arises your Distress?

_Chat._ From the oddest Accident in the World, Mr. Heartly. You must know, Mr. Canker, that I am a vast Admirer of the Belles Lettres as my Lady calls 'em, and never miss the first Night of a new thing--I am as fond of a new thing as my Lady is and I a.s.sure you she often takes my Judgment upon any new Play or Opera, and the Actors and Actresses. For you must know, Mr. Canker, I am thought a very tolerable Judge.

_Cank._ Well, but how did the Play succeed?

_Chat._ O immensely.

_Cank._ Was it hissed?

_Chat._ Not once.

_Heart._ Was it applauded?

_Chat._ To an immensity.

_Cank._ Psha! impossible! She knows nothing of the Matter.

_Chat._ No to be sure, Mr. Canker, I know nothing of the Matter because I did not like your Play; but I would have you to know, Sir, that my Lady and I know a good Play when we see or read it as well as you for all your Aristotle and your Cook upon Littleton, and all your great Criticks. (_Exit_)