Yandai Xie Jie No. 10 Chapter 2

Act 02: The Planet's Most Unwelcomed Guest.

I'm Handsome: Hey, handsome bro, are you there?

Love 123: Hi "Handsome", I'm here.

I'm Handsome: You flatter me. You're more handsome than me.

Love 123: …

I'm Handsome: I have something to ask.

Love 123: Please go ahead.

I'm Handsome: Last time, I was there last time.

Love 123: Mm.

I'm Handsome: Do you know who I am?

Love 123: I do. Last time you came here with the two female chinchillas ^_^

I'm Handsome: …Yeah, that's me.

Love 123: Next, you will say you want to buy some materials for the chinchillas?

I'm Handsome: No! There are some gifted snacks from you last time.

Love 123: Then?

I'm Handsome: Can you mate with me

Love 123: …

To say someone has congenital brain hypoxia, that is not a lie. Hang Hang was sure that the statement has proven to be true from knowing Liang Ze. In fact, talking is also an art, it does not require two people to face each other, just with exchanging messages in writing form is enough to fully show a person's characteristic trait. People who use euphemistic speech tend to be sleek and tactful, people who use a lot of emoticons in their message generally are empty inside, people who go straight to the point tend to be more open-minded, and the kind of people…who make others want to beat them up tend to have a unique brain structure.

Who would even ask "Can you mate with me"?

You could have at least said: Can you help me with mating my chinchillas?

What the f.u.c.k is with mating with you or not?!

If you and I can mate, those two female chinchillas will also be able to breed for offsprings =.=

Liang Ze still kept on asking questions in the messenger, Hang Hang frowned and then opened the customer contact book. Such thing obviously could not be "said" on messenger, because it would not be clear, and that would make him angry.
[T/N: said here in the context of "talking through messenger", Hang Hang thinks it is not a good idea to use messenger to talk about matters like this with Liang Ze, so he decides to physically "talk" with Liang Ze]

Liang Ze was squatting on his chair, hand playing with the chinchilla, eyes staring intensely at the screen, suddenly the phone rang loudly.

Who the f.u.c.k is calling? Calling at such a bad time.

"h.e.l.lo?" Liang Ze answered the call with irritating tone; he had been pondering for over a month now, he thought it was unkind to let his two precious female chinchillas live a lonely life until old age, thinking hard about it, he suddenly remembered last time Hang Hang showed him that male chinchilla, it looked vigorous and lively as well, very compatible, so he was thinking…

"h.e.l.lo? Mr. Liang?"

"Yes, speaking. Who are you?"

"I'm Hang Hang."

"Hang Hang, who?"

Holding onto the phone, Hang Hang suddenly felt that he was being asked a very difficult question, it was like someone asked him which one came into existence first, the chicken or the egg? Did this guy not even take a look at the business card? Under raging anger, Hang Hang decided to make Liang Ze feel embarra.s.sed: "Didn't you want to mate with me?"

"Ah! Ah, ah, it's you. Right right right, I do want to mate with you, yes!"

Hang Hang jeered happily to himself, he could not believe that it was that easy to take advantage of this guy's mouth without paying.
[T/N: lit. words – to eat tofu from this guy's mouth for free – the tofu here is a slang in Chinese meaning to come on to someone, or to make advance to someone; in this context, Hang Hang is laughing because he can easily have Liang Ze said "f.u.c.k me" without having to even try.]

"Why are you laughing, I'm being serious here. I really do want to mate with you!" Liang Ze baffled.

"…"

Hang Hang could not laugh anymore, even the feeling of wanting to fool him was long gone, instead, his joke backfired and he felt embarra.s.sed.

"I'm telling you," Liang Ze conversed on the phone as he played with the chinchilla, "Last time you showed me the male chinchilla with a complete male organ part, his age is not too young, right? Has he been mating before? For how much?"

"Mr. Liang," Hang Hang said, "Let me correct something."

"Hm?"

"You don't say "you", but "your", please continue…"
[T/N input: in Chinese 你 (ni)  – you; and 你的 (de) – your; that 的(de) shows possession; so during Liang Ze conversation, he keeps saying 我 (wo, I/me) when talking about mating, and not 我的(wo de, my/mine) to show possession or something belong to him]

"You?" [T/N input: He uses 您 (Nin, formal version of "you") here]

"…"

"Anyway, last time you showed me the male chinchilla with a complete male organ part, his age is not too young, right? Has he been mating before? For how much?"
[T/N input: So he repeats the whole sentence again replace 你 (ni, informal "you") with 您 (nin, formal "you"); *facepalmed* =.= Even I want to give up with him LOL]

"Yeah… Your chinchillas, please add the word "chinchillas" into it!"

"Ah…" Liang Ze was stunned for a short moment, and then smacked his head, "Oh! Yes, yes, I get it now, ha ha ha… but don't you still understand it?"

I'm quite fancied that you just laugh it off, Hang Hang looked up at the ceiling to calm himself.  

"I'm not these two female chinchillas, I just think that without a mate, these two will be very lonely, then I suddenly thought of your chinchilla, you see…"

"I don't know, this is quite hard to say, it depends on Long Long's att.i.tude."

"Ha? You have to discuss with your girlfriend?"

Hang Hang felt like throwing his phone, to be honest, he regretted making this call, Alright, this Martian idiot, I'll send you on a free trip to Mars!

"h.e.l.lo? h.e.l.lo? Do you have bad signal?"

"Long Long is my chinchilla."

"Ah! Then what do you mean by att.i.tude? Can you just put them together in the same cage?"

"If we put you and a woman in a room together, would you have s.e.x with her?" Hang Hang glared viciously straight in front of him, making the puppy in the cage within his glaring range has a chill running through its body.

"Does she have s.e.x appeal? With big b.r.e.a.s.t.s?"

"…"

"Actually, it's not that big of a difference, I'm not that picky."

"…"

"h.e.l.lo? h.e.l.lo? Hey, why aren't you talking?"

***

Liang Ze once again entered the pet shop at No. 10 on Yan Dai Xie Street with a big cage in hand, and he was just right on the nick of time, 6 p.m., the time Hang Hang was going to have his dinner; moreover, Liang Ze had a face-to-face encounter with the delivery girl.

Hang Hang looked up and saw Liang Ze, his nerve "jumped" a bit and then bundled up into a mess.

"Handsome bro, you should get a new phone, the one you having now must have some technical issuse, first, it has bad reception, and now even your dial tone has an issue as well?" Liang Ze placed the cage onto the cas.h.i.+er counter, wiping the beads of sweat on his forehead.

Alright, this idiot actually comes to my lair, I'll see what kind of trick you have up your sleeves.

"Is it their mating period?" Hang Hang tried to produce his best smile.

"What's 'mating period'?"

"…"

"This… can't that happen any time?"

"That's you."

"Oh, you mean that for male, anytime is fine; but, for female, it's not?"

"…"  

"Handsome bro. Are you in a bad mood? Why aren't you talking much today?"

"I can still speak." Hang Hang swallowed it down, comforting himself.

"Did you have a fight with your girlfriend? Let me tell you, don't get too worried about such matter, girls are easy to coax…"

"Let's talk about your chinchillas." Hang Hang clenched tightly onto a cup.

"The chinchillas can wait; let's talk about your matter, you see, you're wearing a very bitter expression….Although we don't know much about each other, we both are men, it's alright to exchange some personal experience with each other."

"I don't have a girlfriend!"

"Oh geez, look at how old you are, why are you getting embarra.s.sed? You're not a middle school student."

"The mating period for female chinchillas is generally from 28 to 35 days each cycle, each time it will last for four days, they will secrete some white waxy fluid that can hardly be noticed because they always eat it; therefore, you should pay close attention." Hang Hang decided to go straight to the point.

"Eat?" Liang Ze's attention had finally caught on, "Isn't that dirty?"

"… That is their physical habit."

"Oh. That…"

"Did your chinchillas discharge that kind of fluid?"

"I didn't pay attention."

"As for the mating, what breed do you want?"

"I've seen yours, you're really good, ah, no, I mean your chinchilla, ha ha ha…"

Hang Hang slightly frowned, "Thank you… This matter can't be decided by you, first, let's them be familiar with each other."

"How can you let them be familiar with each other? Do you need to build them a love-themed cage?"

"May I ask… what's your occupation?"

"Oh, right, you see I haven't introduced myself, ha ha ha… I'm a novel writer."

Hang Hang did not think that Liang Ze would able to answer his question, this was obvious that Liang Ze trolling him! But after hearing he is a novel writer, he could not help but began to speculate, "Martial art chivalry?"

"No." Liang Ze laughed, watching Hang Hang use a white potato chip to lure "Ikkyu" (Yixiu) out, this name was given to it when he thought it was a male, the other is called "Small Leave" (Xiao Yezi) =.=

"Fantasy?"

"Nope." Seeing that Ikkyu was placed in another cage, Liang Ze could not help but to ask, "What's with that?"

"Let her and Long Long face each other in two different cages for now, so they can get familiar with each other."

"Oh."

"Mythical?"

"Hm?"

"Didn't you say that you write mythical novels?" These were the three genres of novel that Hang Hang could come up by basing off Liang Ze's characteristic.

"I write literary novel."

Hang Hang was just holding onto Small Leave, yet he almost instantly threw her into the sandbags because of his shock =.=

"I don't look like one, right…ha ha ha… my friends also said so!"

"Their point of view is really reliable."

"Eh."

Small Leave was placed next to another chinchilla.

"This should be ok, let's wait and see how they react with each other."

"Ah, how long is the wait?"

"It's not the same in every case, it might take some time, right now is just the preliminary step of letting them be familiar with each other, wait for a few more days to see if they have some mutual feelings, then we can move them a bit closer to each other."

"Ah? Then, where do I stay?" Liang Ze stared with wide eyes at Hang Hang.

"What did you say?" Hang Hang had to ask him to repeat, because he thought he must have misheard something. You? You should stay where you should stay!

"I'm saying that they only get to move one cm a day, then what should I do?"

"What do you mean by what you should do?"

"I can't be away from them!"

"…"

"But if I take your chinchilla, it…they don't recognize me, but…"

"Obviously they stay here, you go home."

"I…Ikkyu! Small Leave!"

"What??"

"Oh, this one is called Ikkyu, and that one is Small Leave."

"…"

"You don't like to watch Ikkyu-san in your childhood?"

Ikkyu-san – a j.a.panese animation about a little Buddhist monk who is smart and playful like other children. He often outsmarts adults. The animation is based on the historical Zen Buddhist monk Ikkyu that follows his mischievous adventures as a child during his stay at Ankoku-ji Temple

"… So so."

Liang Ze became anxious, thinking through it for a long while, lastly, he gnawed his teeth and closed his eyes. "For Ikkyu and Small Leave's happiness! I'll put up with it, how about, I will come to visit them everyday at around this time."

"At this time?"

"Yes, I usually get up at 3p.m., then play with them for a while, have dinner at 6p.m., then start to write at night time."

"Then, you'll start coming here at 3p.m?"

"No need, I'll be here at 6p.m., so I can walk back after I have a good meal, I should start to work out more too!"

"…"

"Today, you also ordered a meal for me? How did you know I would come at this time? Ah, it's red braised pork, my favorite…"

"I…" Hang Hang really wanted to cry out loud, Hai Hong's lunch box from last time was also eaten by this idiot, the girl gave out a helpless smile and said, "It's ok, I'm on a diet."

"It's getting cold, let's eat together."

"I…"

"Ah right, how much does it cost to breed chinchilla? Should I pay right now?"

"No, that's fine. We don't take additional cost for it, but we do charge for hospitality if you will leave them here."

"Ah, how much for a day?"

"30."

"Ok, I'll give you the deposit for the first few days."

"You can pay at later time."

"Ok! About meal money… I pay it later too?"

"…"

"Handsome bro, no need to feel embarra.s.sed, even blood-related siblings also have to be clear when it comes to money matter, ah right, I shouldn't be eating too much greasy food, my stomach…"

"Hm?"

"Look!" Liang Ze pulled up his s.h.i.+rt, "You see, my ab muscles are now all gone, I need to catch up on my workout!"

The wind chime at the door sounded as Miss Lee, a regular customer, came into the shop with her Pomeranian, and got to witness Liang Ze exposing his bare stomach to Hang Hang. That was a very strange position =.=

Such disgrace…

Pomeranian

Proofread: Chi