The Spectator Volume Iii Part 81

No. 561. Wednesday, June 30, 1714. Addison.

'--Paulatim abolere Sichaeum Incipit, et vivo tentat praevertere amore Jampridem resides animos desuetaque corda.'

Virg.

SIR,

'I am a tall, broad-shoulder'd, impudent, black Fellow, and, as I thought, every way qualified for a rich Widow: But, after having tried my Fortune for above three Years together, I have not been able to get one single Relict in the Mind. My first Attacks were generally successful, but always broke off as soon as they came to the Word _Settlement_. Though I have not improved my Fortune this way, I have my Experience, and have learnt several Secrets which may be of use to those unhappy Gentlemen, who are commonly distinguished by the Name of Widow-hunters, and who do not know that this Tribe of Women are, generally speaking, as much upon the Catch as themselves. I shall here communicate to you the Mysteries of a certain Female Cabal of this Order, who call themselves the _Widow-Club_. This Club consists of nine experienced Dames, who take their Places once a Week round a large oval Table.

I. Mrs. President is a Person who has disposed of six Husbands, and is now determined to take a seventh; being of Opinion that there is as much Vertue in the Touch of a seventh Husband as of a seventh Son. Her Comrades are as follow.

II. Mrs. _Snapp_, who has four Jointures, by four different Bed-fellows, of four different s.h.i.+res. She is at present upon the Point of Marriage with a _Middles.e.x_ Man, and is said to have an Ambition of extending her Possessions through all the Counties in _England_ on this Side the _Trent_.

III. Mrs. _Medlar_, who after two Husbands and a Gallant, is now wedded to an old Gentleman of Sixty. Upon her making her Report to the Club after a Weeks Cohabitation, she is still allowed to sit as a Widow, and accordingly takes her Place at the Board.

IV. The Widow _Quick_, married within a Fortnight after the Death of her last Husband. Her _Weeds_ have served her thrice, and are still as good as new.

V. Lady _Catherine Swallow_. She was a Widow at Eighteen, and has since buried a second Husband and two Coachmen.

VI. The Lady _Waddle_. She was married in the 15th Year of her Age to Sir _Simon Waddle_, Knight, aged Threescore and Twelve, by whom she had Twinns nine Months after his Decease. In the 55th Year of her Age she was married to _James Spindle_, Esq.; a Youth of One and Twenty, who did not out-live the Honey-Moon.

VII. _Deborah Conquest_. The Case of this Lady is something particular. She is the Relict of _Sir Sampson Conquest_, some time Justice of the _Quorum_. Sir _Sampson_ was seven Foot high, and two Foot in Breadth from the Tip of one Shoulder to the other. He had married three Wives, who all of them died in Child-bed. This terrified the whole s.e.x, who none of them durst venture on Sir _Sampson_. At length Mrs. _Deborah_ undertook him, and gave so good an Account of him, that in three Years time she very fairly laid him out, and measured his Length upon the Ground. This Exploit has gained her so great a Reputation in the Club, that they have added Sir _Sampson's_ three Victories to hers, and give her the Merit of a fourth Widowhood; and she takes her Place accordingly.

'VIII. The Widow _Wildfire_, Relict of Mr. _John Wildfire_, Fox-hunter, who broke his Neck over a six Bar Gate. She took his Death so much to Heart, that it was thought it would have put an End to her Life, had she not diverted her Sorrows by receiving the Addresses of a Gentleman in the Neighbourhood, who made Love to her in the second Month of her Widowhood. This Gentleman was discarded in a Fortnight for the sake of a young _Templar_, who had the Possession of her for six Weeks after, till he was beaten out by a broken Officer, who likewise gave up his Place to a Gentleman at Court. The Courtier was as short-liv'd a Favourite as his Predecessors, but had the Pleasure to see himself succeeded by a long Series of Lovers, who followed the Widow _Wildfire_ to the 37th Year of her Age, at which time there ensued a Cessation of ten Years, when _John Felt_, Haberdasher, took it in his Head to be in love with her, and it is thought will very suddenly carry her off.

'IX. The last is pretty Mrs. _Runnet_, who broke her first Husband's Heart before she was Sixteen, at which Time she was entred of the Club, but soon after left it, upon Account of a Second, whom she made so quick a Dispatch of, that she returned to her Seat in less than a Twelvemonth. This young Matron is looked upon as the most rising Member of the Society, and will probably be in the President's Chair before she dies.

'These Ladies, upon their first Inst.i.tution, resolved to give the Pictures of their deceased Husbands to the Club-Room, but two of them bringing in their Dead at full Length, they cover'd all the Walls; Upon which they came to a second Resolution, that every Matron should give her own Picture, and set it round with her Husbands in Miniature.

As they have most of them the Misfortune to be troubled with the Cholick, they have a n.o.ble Celler of Cordials and strong Waters. When they grow Maudlin, they are very apt to commemorate their former Partners with a Tear. But ask them which of their Husbands they Condole, they are not able to tell you, and discover plainly that they do not Weep so much for the Loss of a Husband, as for the want of One.

'The princ.i.p.al Rule, by which the whole Society are to govern themselves is this, To cry up the Pleasures of a single Life upon all Occasions, in order to deter the rest of their s.e.x from Marriage, and engross the whole Male World to themselves.

'They are obliged, when any one makes Love to a Member of the Society, to communicate his Name, at which Time the whole a.s.sembly sit upon his Reputation, Person, Fortune, and good Humour; and if they find him qualified for a Sister of the Club, they lay their Heads together how to make him sure. By this Means they are acquainted with all the Widow-hunters about Town, who often afford them great Diversion. There is an honest _Irish_ Gentleman, it seems, who knows nothing of this Society, but at different times has made Love to the whole Club.

Their Conversation often turns upon their former Husbands, and it is very diverting to hear them relate their several Arts and Stratagems, with which they amused the Jealous, pacified the Chokrick, or wheedled the Good-natured Man, till at last, to use the Club Phrase, _They sent him out of the House with his Heels foremost_.

The Politicks, which are most cultivated by this Society of She-_Machiavils_, relate chiefly to these two Points: How to treat a Lover, and How to manage a Husband. As for the first Set of Artifices, they are too numerous to come within the Compa.s.s of your Paper, and shall therefore be reserved for a Second Letter.

The Management of a Husband is built upon the following Doctrines, which are Universally a.s.sented to by the whole Club. Not to give him his Head at first. Not to allow him too great Freedoms and Familiarities. Not to be treated by him like a raw Girl, but as a Woman that knows the World. Not to Lessen anything of her former Figure. To celebrate the Generosity, or any other Vertue, of a deceased Husband, which she would recommend to his Successor. To turn away all his old Friends and Servants, that she may have the Dear Man to her self. To make him disinherit the undutiful Children of any former Wife. Never to be thoroughly convinced of his Affection, till he has made over to her all his Goods and Chattels.

'After so long a Letter, I am, without more Ceremony, _Your Humble Servant, &c._

No. 562. Friday, July 2, 1714. Addison.

'--Praesens, absens ut sies.'

Ter.

_It is a hard and nice Subject for a Man to speak of himself, says Cowley; [1] it grates his own Heart to say anything of Disparagement, and the Reader's Ears to hear any thing of Praise from him._ Let the Tenour of his Discourse be what it will upon this Subject, it generally proceeds from _Vanity_. An ostentatious Man will rather relate a Blunder or an Absurdity he has committed, than be debarred from talking of his own dear Person.

Some very great Writers have been guilty of this Fault. It is observed of _Tully_ in particular, that his Works run very much in the First Person, and that he takes all Occasions of doing himself Justice.

'Does he think, says _Brutus_, that his Consuls.h.i.+p deserves more Applause than my putting _Caesar_ to Death, because I am not perpetually talking of the Ides of _March_, as he is of the Nones of _December_?'

I need not acquaint my learned Reader, that in the Ides of _March, Brutus_ destroyed _Caesar_, and that _Cicero_ quashed the Conspiracy of _Cataline_ in the Calends of _December_. How shocking soever this great Man's talking of himself might have been to his Contemporaries, I must confess I am never better pleased than when he is on this Subject. Such Openings of the Heart give a Man a thorough Insight into his Personal Character, and ill.u.s.trate several Pa.s.sages in the History of his Life: Besides that, there is some little Pleasure in discovering the Infirmity of a great Man, and seeing how the Opinion he has of himself agrees with what the World entertains of him.

The Gentlemen of _Port-Royal_, who were more eminent for their Learning and their Humility than any other in _France_, banish'd the way of speaking in the First Person out of all their Works, as arising from Vain-Glory and Self-Conceit. To shew their particular Aversion to it, they branded this Form of Writing with the Name of an _Egotism_; a Figure not to be found among the ancient Rhetoricians.

The most violent Egotism which I have met with in the Course of my Reading, is that of Cardinal _Wolsey, Ego et Rex meus, I and my King_; as perhaps the most eminent Egotist that ever appeared in the World, was _Montagne_ the Author of the celebrated Essays. This lively old _Gascon_ has woven all his bodily Infirmities into his Works, and after having spoken of the Faults or Virtues of any other Man, immediately publishes to the World how it stands with himself in that Particular. Had he kept his own Counsel he might have pa.s.sed for a much better Man, though perhaps he would not have been so diverting an Author. The t.i.tle of an Essay promises perhaps a Discourse upon _Virgil_ or _Julius Caesar_; but when you look into it, you are sure to meet with more upon Monsieur _Montagne_, than of either of them. The younger _Scaliger_, who seems to have been no great Friend to this Author, after having acquainted the World that his Father sold Herrings, adds these Words; _La grande fadaise de Montague, qui a escrit, qu'il aimoit mieux le vin blanc--que diable a-t-on a faire de scavoir ce qu'il aime? For my Part, says Montague, I am a great Lover of your White Wines--What the Devil signifies it to the Publick, says Scaliger, whether he is a Lover of White Wines or of Red Wines?_

I cannot here forbear mentioning a Tribe of Egotists for whom I have always had a mortal Aversion, I mean the Authors of Memoirs, who are never mentioned in any Works but their own, and who raise all their Productions out of this single Figure of Speech.

Most of our modern Prefaces savour very strongly of the Egotism. Every insignificant Author fancies it of Importance to the World, to know that he writ his Book in the Country, that he did it to pa.s.s away some of his idle Hours, that it was published at the Importunity of Friends, or that his natural Temper, Studies or Conversations, directed him to the Choice of his Subject.

'--Id populus curat scilicet.'

Such Informations cannot but be highly improving to the Reader.

In Works of Humour, especially when a Man writes under a fict.i.tious Personage, the talking of one's self may give some Diversion to the Publick; but I would advise every other Writer never to speak of himself, unless there be something very considerable in his Character: Tho' I am sensible this Rule will be of little Use in the World, because there is no Man who fancies his Thoughts worth publis.h.i.+ng, that does not look upon himself as a considerable Person.

I shall close this Paper with a Remark upon such as are Egotists in Conversation: These are generally the vain or shallow part of Mankind, People being naturally full of themselves when they have nothing else in them. There is one kind of Egotists which is very common in the World, tho' I do not remember that any Writer has taken Notice of them; I mean those empty conceited Fellows, who repeat as Sayings of their own, or some of their particular Friends, several Jests which were made before they were born, and which every one who has conversed in the World has heard a hundred times over. A forward young Fellow of my Acquaintance was very guilty of this Absurdity: He would be always laying a new Scene for some old Piece of Wit, and telling us, That as he and _Jack_ such-a-one were together, one or t'other of them had such a Conceit on such an Occasion; upon which he would laugh very heartily, and wonder the Company did not join with him. When his Mirth was over, I have often reprehended him out of _Terence, Tuumne, obsecro te, hoc dictum erat?

vetus credidi_. But finding him still incorrigible, and having a Kindness for the young c.o.xcomb, who was otherwise a good-natured Fellow, I recommended to his Perusal the _Oxford_ and _Cambridge_ Jests, with several little Pieces of Pleasantry of the same Nature. Upon the reading of them, he was under no small Confusion to find that all his Jokes had pa.s.sed through several Editions, and that what he thought was a new Conceit, and had appropriated to his own Use, had appeared in Print before he or his ingenious Friends were ever heard of. This had so good an Effect upon him, that he is content at present to pa.s.s for a Man of plain Sense in his ordinary Conversation, and is never facetious but when he knows his Company.

[Footnote 1: Essay 2.]