Voces Populi Part 1

Voces Populi.

by F. Anstey.

=An Evening with a Conjuror.=

SCENE--_A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun. The Audience is limited and low-spirited, and may perhaps number--including the Attendants--eighteen. The only people in the front seats are a man in full evening dress, which he tries to conceal under a caped coat, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty row. After removing his hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better--or worse--of it, puts them on again, and vanishes hurriedly._

FIRST SARDONIC ATTENDANT (_at doorway_). Reg'lar turnin' em away to-night, _we_ are!

SECOND SARDONIC ATTENDANT. He come up to me afore he goes to the pay-box, and sez he--"Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to 'im, "Well, I _think_ we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like that, I sez.

[_The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls, with pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a cracked piano._ HERR VON KAMBERWOHL_, the Conjuror, appears on platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious Confederates in a back row_.

HERR V. K. (_in a mixed accent_). Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin' I 'ave most hemphadically to repoodiate hall a.s.sistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform by simple Sloight of 'and or Ledger-dee-Mang! (_He invites any member of the Audience to step up and a.s.sist him, but the spectators remain coy._) I see zat I 'ave not to night so larsh an orjence to select from as usual, still I 'ope--(_Here one of the obvious Confederates slouches up, and joins him on the platform._) Ah, zat is goot! I am vair much oblige to you, Sare. (_The Confederate grins sheepishly._) Led me see--I seem to remember your face some'ow. (_Broader grin from Confederate._) Hah you vos 'ere last night?--zat exblains it! But you 'ave nevaire a.s.sist me befoor, eh? (_Reckless shake of the head from Confederate._) I thought nod. _Vair_ vell. You 'ave nevaire done any dricks mit carts--no? Bot you will dry? You never dell vat you gan do till you dry, as ze ole sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (_He pauses for a laugh--which doesn't come._) Now, Sare, you know a cart ven you see 'im?

Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (_The Confederate fumbles._) I don't vish to 'urry you--but I vant you to mike 'aste--&c., &c.

THE MAN IN EVENING DRESS. I remember giving Bimbo, the Wizard of the West, a guinea once to teach me that trick--there was nothing in it.

FIRST LADY IN PLUSH CLOAK. And can you _do_ it?

THE M. IN E. D. (_guardedly_). Well, I don't know that I could exactly do it _now_--but I know how it's done.

[_He explains elaborately how it is done._

HERR V. K. (_stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may leave off_).

Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz the Invisible 'En. And I shall be moch oblige if any shentilmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at for ze purpose of my exberiment.

THE M. IN E. D. Here's mine--it's quite at your service. [_To his companions._] This is a stale old trick, he merely--(_explains as before_). But you wait and see how I'll score off him over it!

[Ill.u.s.tration: "LED ME SEE--I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOUR FACE SOME'OW."]

HERR V. K. (_to the_ M. in E. D.). You are gvide sure, Sare, you leaf nossing insoide of your 'at?

THE M. IN E. D. (_with a wink to his neighbours_). On the contrary, there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll thank you to give me back by-and-by.

HERR V. K. (_diving into the hat_). So? Vat 'ave we 'ere? A bonch of flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? Anozzer--_and_ anozzer! Ha, do you alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare?

THE M. IN E. D. Invariably--to keep my head cool; so hand them over, please; I want them.

[_His Companions t.i.tter, and declare "it really is too bad of him!"_

HERR V. K. Bresently, Sare,--zere is somtings ailse, it feels loike--yes, it ees--a mahouse-drap. Your haid is drouble vid moice, Sare, yes? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at!

THE M. IN E. D. (_with rather feeble indignation_). I never said there were.

HERR V. K. No, zere is no mahouse--bot--[_diving again_]--ha! a leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad--and one, two, dree _more_ vide rads! You vind zey keep your haid noice and cool, Sare? May I drouble you to com and dake zem avay? I don't loike the vide rads myself, it is madder of daste. [_The Audience sn.i.g.g.e.r._] Oh, bot vait--zis is a _most_ gonvenient 'at--[_extracting a large feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen_]--ze shentelman is vairy domestic I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot business man, he knows ow von must hadvertise in zese' ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, so I vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im.

[_He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two dozen--chiefly in the eye--until the air is dark, and the floor thick with them._

THE M. IN E. D. (_much annoyed_). Infernal liberty! Confounded impudence! Shouldn't have had _my_ hat if I'd known he was going to play the fool with it like this!

FIRST LADY IN PLUSH CLOAK. But I thought you knew what was coming?

THE M. IN E. D. So I did--but this fellow does it differently.

[HERR VON K. _is preparing to fire a marked half-crown from a blunderbuss into a crystal casket_.

A LADY WITH NERVES (_to her husband_). John, I'm _sure_ he's going to let that thing off!

JOHN (_a Brute_). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he is. _I_ can't help it.

THE L. WITH N. You could if you liked--you could tell him my nerves won't stand it--the trick will be every _bit_ as good if he only _pretends_ to fire, I'm sure.

JOHN. Oh, nonsense!--You can stand it very well if you _like_.

THE L. WITH N. I _can't_, John.... There, he's raising it to his shoulder. John, I _must_ go out. I shall scream if I sit here, I _know_ I shall!

JOHN. No, no--what's the use? He'll have fired long before you get to the door. Much better stay where you are, and do your screaming sitting down. (_The Conjuror fires._) There, you see, you _didn't_ scream, after all!

THE L. WITH N. I screamed to _myself_--which is ever so much worse for me; but you never _will_ understand me till it's too late!

[HERR VON K. _performs another trick_.

FIRST LADY IN PLUSH CLOAK. That was very clever, wasn't it? I can't _imagine_ how it was done!

THE M. IN E. D. (_in whom the memory of his desecrated hat is still rankling_). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the world--any child could do it!

SECOND LADY. What, find the rabbit inside those boxes, when they were all corded up, and sealed!

THE M. IN E. D. You don't mean to say you were taken in by _that_! Why, it was another rabbit, of course!

FIRST LADY. But even if it _was_ another rabbit, it was wearing the borrowed watch round its neck.

THE M. IN E. D. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if all the boxes have false bottoms.

SECOND L. Yes, but he pa.s.sed the boxes round for us to examine.

THE M. IN E. D. Boxes--but not _those_ boxes.

FIRST L. But how could he slip the watch in when somebody was holding it all the time in a paper bag?

THE M. IN E. D. Ah, _I_ saw how it was done--but it would take too long to explain it now. I _have_ seen it so well performed that you _couldn't_ spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer!

HERR V. K. (_who finds this sort of thing rather disturbing_). Lyties and Shentilmans, I see zere is von among us who is a brofessional like myself, and knows how all my leedle dricks is done. Now--[_suddenly abandoning his accent_]--I am always griteful for hanythink that will distrack the attention of the orjence from what is going on upon the Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from follerin' my actions too closely, and so I now call upon this gentleman in the hevenin' dress jest to speak hup a very little louder than what he _'as_ been doin', so that you will be enabled to 'ear hevery word of 'is hexplanation more puffickly than what some of you in the back benches have done itherto.

Now, Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very hinteresting remarks in a more haudible tone, I can go on between like. [_Murmurs of "No no!"