Voces Populi Part 30

HIS MOTHER. Lor' bless the boy! there ain't nothen to _see_ yet; you'll see well enough when the Curting goes up. (_Curtain rises on opening scene._) Look, Jimmy, ain't _that_ nice, now? All them himps dancin'

round, and real fire comin' out of the pot--which I 'ope it's quite safe--and there's a beautiful fairy just come on, dressed so grand, too!

JIMMY. I can't see no fairy--nor yet no himps--nor nothen!

[_He whimpers._

HIS MOTHER (_annoyed_). Was there ever such a aggravating boy to take anywheres! Set quiet, do, and don't fidget, and look at the hactin'!

JIMMY. I tell yer I can't _see_ no hactin', Mother. It ain't my fault--it's this lady in front o' me, with the 'at.

MOTHER (_perceiving the justice of his complaints_). Father, the pore boy says he can't see where he is, 'cause of a lady's 'at in front.

FATHER (_philosophically_). Well, _I_ can't 'elp the 'at, can I? He must put up with it, that's all!

MOTHER. No--but I thought, if you wouldn't mind changing places with him--you're taller than him, and it wouldn't be in your way 'arf so much.

FATHER. It's always the way with you--never satisfied, _you_ ain't!

Well, pa.s.s the boy across--I'm for a quiet life, I am. (_Changing seats._) Will _this_ do for you?

[_He settles down immediately behind a very large, furry, and feathery hat, which he dodges for some time, with the result of obtaining an occasional glimpse of a pair of legs on the stage._

FATHER (_suddenly_). D----the 'at!

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE OWNER OF THE HAT DEIGNS NO REPLY."]

MOTHER. You can't wonder at the _boy_ not seeing! P'raps the lady wouldn't mind taking it off, if you asked her?

FATHER. Ah! (_He touches_ THE OWNER OF THE HAT _on the shoulder_.) Excuse me, Mum, but might I take the liberty of asking you to kindly remove your 'at? [THE OWNER OF THE HAT _deigns no reply_.

FATHER (_more insistently_). Would you 'ave any objection to oblige me by taking off your 'at, Mum? (_Same result._) I don't know if you _'eard_ me, Mum, but I've asked you twice, civil enough, to take that 'at of yours off (_pathetically_). I'm a playin' 'Ide and Seek be'ind it 'ere! [_No answer._

THE MOTHER. People didn't ought to be allowed in the Pit with sech 'ats!

Callin' 'erself a lady--and settin' there in a great 'at and feathers like a 'Ighlander's, and never answering no more nor a stuffed himage!

FATHER (_to the Husband of_ _The Owner of the Hat_). Will you tell your good lady to take her 'at off, Sir, please?

THE OWNER OF THE HAT (_to her Husband_). Don't you do nothing of the sort, Sam, or you'll _'ear_ of it!

THE MOTHER. Some people are perlite, I must say. Parties might _beyave_ as ladies when they come in the Pit! It's a pity her 'usband can't teach her better manners!

THE FATHER. _'Im_ teach her! 'E knows better. 'E's got a Tartar there, _'e_ 'as!

THE OWNER OF THE HAT. Sam, are you going to set by and hear me insulted like this?

HER HUSBAND (_turning round tremulously_). I--I'll trouble you to drop making these personal allusions to my wife's 'at, Sir. It's puffickly impossible to listen to what's going on on the stage with all these remarks be'ind!

THE FATHER. Not more nor it is to _see_ what's going on on the stage with that 'at in front! I paid 'arf-a-crown to see the Pantermime, I did; not to 'ave a view of your wife's 'at!... 'Ere, Maria, blowed if I can stand this 'ere game any longer. Jimmy must change places again, and if he can't see, he must jest stand up on the seat, that's all!

[JIMMY _is transferred to his original place, and mounts upon the seat_.

A PITt.i.tE BEHIND JIMMY (_touching up_ JIMMY'S _Father with an umbrella_). Will you tell your little boy to set down, please, and not block the view like this?

JIMMY'S FATHER. If you can indooce that lady in front to take off her 'at, I will--but not before. Stay where you are, Jimmy, my boy.

THE PITt.i.tE BEHIND. Well, I must stand myself then, that's all. I mean to see, _somehow_! [_He rises._

PEOPLE BEHIND HIM (_sternly_). Set down there, will yer?

[_He resumes his seat expostulating._

JIMMY. Father, the gentleman behind is a pinching of my legs!

JIMMY'S FATHER. Will you stop pinching my little boy's legs! He ain't doing _you_ no 'arm--is he?

THE PINCHING PITt.i.tE. Let him sit down, then!

JIMMY'S FATHER. Let the lady take her 'at off!

MURMURS BEHIND. Order, there! Set down! Put that boy down! Take orf that 'at! Silence in front, there! Turn 'em out! Shame! ... &c., &c.

THE HUSBAND OF THE O. OF THE H. (_in a whisper to his Wife_). Take off the blessed 'at, and have done with it, do!

THE O. OF THE H. What--_now_! I'd sooner _die_ in the 'at!

[An ATTENDANT _is called_.

THE ATTENDANT. Order, there, Gentlemen, please--unless you want to get turned out! No standing allowed on the seats--you're disturbing the performance 'ere, you know!

[JIMMY _is made to sit down, and weeps silently_; _the hubbub gradually subsides--and_ THE OWNER OF THE HAT _triumphs--for the moment_.

JIMMY'S MOTHER. Never mind, my boy, you shall have Mother's seat in a minute. I dessay, if all was known, the lady 'as reasons for keeping her 'at on, pore thing!

THE FATHER (_perceiving her drift_). Ah, I never thought o' that. So she may. Very likely her 'at won't _come_ off--not without her _'air_!

THE MOTHER. Ah, well, we mustn't be 'ard on her, if that's so.

THE O. OF THE H. (_removing the obstruction_). I 'ope you're satisfied _now_, I'm sure?

THE FATHER (handsomely). Better late nor never, Mum, and we take it kind of you. Though, why you shouldn't ha' done it at fust, I dunno; for you look a deal 'ansomer without the 'at than what you did in it--_don't_ she, Maria?

THE O. OF THE H. (_mollified_). Sam, ask the gentleman behind if his little boy would like a ginger-nut.

[_This olive-branch is accepted; compliments pa.s.s; cordiality is restored, and the Pantomime proceeds without further disturbance._