De Turkey and De Law Part 12

SISTER HAMBO (triumphantly) Unhumh! I knowed you was the one knocked my cow's horn off! And you lied like a doodle-bug going backwards in his hole and made out you didn't do it.

WALTER I didn't do no such a thing.

SISTER HAMBO I say you did and belong to Macedonia Baptist Church and I can't lie.

WALTER Yo' mouf is cut cross ways, ain't it? Well then, yo' mouf ain't no prayer-book even if yo' lips do flap like a Bible. You kin lie and then re-lie.

DEACON HAMBO Walter Thomas talk dat biggity talk to me, not to my wife. Maybe you kin whip her, but if you can't whip me too, don't bring de mess up.

CLARKE (rapping) Y'all men folks shut up before I put you both under arrest.

Come to order everybody.

LINDSAY I just wants say this before we go any further. n.o.body bet not slur my wife in here--do I'll strow 'em all over de county.

MRS. NIXON Aw, youse de nastiest threatener in three states but I ain't seen you do nothin'. De seat of yo' pants is too close to de ground for you to be crowin' so loud. You so short you smell right earthy.

MRS. LINDSAY De seat of yo' husband's britches been draggin' de ground ever since I knowed him. Don't like it dontcher take it, here's my collar come and shake it. (She puts the palms of her hands together and holding the heels together, flaps the fore part of her hands like a gator opening and shutting its mouth. This infuriates Mrs. Nixon.

CLARKE Shut up! We didn't come here to wash and iron n.i.g.g.e.rs. We come here for a trial. (raps)

MRS. NIXON (to Clarke) I ain't going to shut up nothin' of de kind. Think I'm going to let her low-rate me and I take it all? Naw indeed. I'm going to sack dis female out before we any further go.

MRS. LINDSAY Aw, I done dished you out too many times. Go head on and try to keep yo' lil squatty husband away from down on de lake wid wimmens and you'll have _all_ you can do. How does old heavy-hipted mama talk?

(snaps her fingers)

MRS. NIXON n.o.body wouldn't have you if he could get anybody else.

(She makes a circle with her thum and first finger and holds it up for Mrs. Lindsay to see.) Come thru--don't you feel cheap?

CLARKE Sister Nixon, shut up!

SISTER NIXON You can't shut me up, not the way you live. When you quit beatin Mrs.

Mattie and dominizing her all de time then you kin tell other folks what to do. You ain't none of my boss. Don't let yo' wooden G.o.d and corn-stalk Jesus fool you now. Now de way you sells rancid bacon for fresh.

NIXON Aw, honey, hush a while, please and less git started.

(A momentary quiet falls on the place. Mayor glowers all over the place. Turns to Lum.)

CLARKE Lum, git a piece of paper and a pencil and take de names of all de witnesses _who was dere while de fight was going on_.

LUM (Pulling a small tablet and pencil out of his coat pocket) I brought it with me.

CLARKE Now everybody who was at de fight hold up yo' hands so Lum can know who you are.

(Several hands go up. Sister Anderson puts up her hand.)

CLARKE You wasn't there, Sister Anderson, not at that time.

SISTER ANDERSON I hadn't been gone more'n ten minutes 'fore Dave come in from de woods.

CLARKE But you didn't see it.

SISTER ANDERSON It don't make no difference--my husband heered every word was spoke and told me jes' lak it happen. Don't tell _me_ I can't testify.

DEACON HAMBO n.o.body can't testify but de two boys cause n.o.body wuz at de fight but dem.

SISTER ANDERSON Dat's all right too, Brother, but I know whut they wuz fightin' about an' it wudn't no turkey neither. It wuz Daisy Blunt.

MRS. BLUNT Just you take my chile's name right out yo' mouf, Becky Anderson. She wuznt out in dat cypress swamp. Leave her out dis mess.

REV. SIMMS You ain't got no call to be so touchous bout yo' girl, but you sho said a mouthful, Sister Blunt. Dis sho is a mess. Can't help from being uh mess. (glares at Mayor) Holdin' a trial in de Baptist Church!

Some folks ain't got sense enough todo 'em till four o'clock and its way after half past tree right now.

MAYOR Shet up, dere, Simms! Set down! Who ast yo' pot to boil, nohow! Court is de best church they is, anyhow, cause you come in court. You better have a good experience and a strong determination. (raps vigorously) Now lemme tell _y'all_ something. When de Mayor sets Court--don't keer when I sets it nor where I sets it, you got to git quiet and stay quiet till I ast you tuh talk. I G.o.d, you sound lak a tree full uh blackbirds! Dis ain't no barbecue, nor neither no camp meetin'. We 'sembled here tuh law uh boy on a serious charge. (A great buzz rises from the congregation. Mayor raps hard for order and glares all about him.) Hear! Hear! All of us kin sing at de same time, but can't but one of us talk at a time. I'm doin' de talkin' now, so de rest of you dry up till I git through. I G.o.d, you sound lak uh pa.s.sle uh dog fights! We ain't here for no form and no fas.h.i.+on and no outside show to de world. Wese here to law. (to Lum) You done got all de witnesses straight--Got they names down?

LUM Yessuh, I got it all straightened out.

CLARKE Well, read de names out and let de witnesses take de front seats.

LUM Mr. Clarke, I done found out n.o.body wasn't at dat fight but Jim and Dave and de mule bones. Dere's de bone Dave got hit wid up on de rostrum and deres Jim and Dave in de Amen Corners.

DAVE (rising excitedly) Mist' Clarke! Brother Mayor, I wants to ast uh question right now to git some information.

MAYOR All right, Dave, go head and ast it.

DAVE Brother Mayor, I wanted to know whut become of my turkey gobbler?

MAYOR I G.o.d, Dave, youse in order. Lum! I G.o.d, I been layin' off to ast you whut you dont wid dat turkey. Where is it?

(A burst of knowing laughter from the house)

LUM (very embarra.s.sed) Well, when you tole me to go 'rrest Jim and de turkey, I took and went on round to his ma's house and he wudnt dere so I took and turnt round and made it t'wards Daisy's house an' I caught up wid him under dat China-berry tree jest befo' you gits tuh Daisy's house. He was makin' it on t'wards her house wid de turkey in one hand--his gun crost his shoulder when I hailed 'im. I hollered "Jim, hold on dere uh minute!" He dropped de turkey and wheeled and throwed de gun on me.

MAYOR CLARKE I G.o.d, he drawed uh gon on de City Marshall?

LUM Yessir! He sho did. Thought I was Dave. Tole me: "Don't you come another step unless you want to see yuh Jesus." I hollered back "It's me, I ain't no Dave Carter." So he took de gun offa me and I went up to him and put him under arrest, and locked him up in yo' barn and brought _you_ de key, didn't I?

CLARKE You sho did, but I G.o.d, I ast you whut become of de turkey?

LUM De turkey wasn't picked or nothin', so I put him under 'rrest too, jus' lak you tole me. (general laughter)

CLARKE I G.o.d, Lum, whut did you _do_ wid de turkey after you put him under 'rrest?

LUM Jim, he didn't want to come wid me till he could make it to Daisy's house to give her det turkey but, bein so close up on him till he couldn't draw his rifle, I throwed my 32:20 in his face an' tole him I said "Don't you move! Don't you move uh pig do I'll burn you down! I got my burner c.o.c.ked dead in yo' face and I'll keer you down jus' lak good gas went up. Come on wid me!" So I took his rifle and picked up de turkey and marched him off to yo' cow-lot. Ast him didn't I do it.

I tole him, I said "I know you Westons goes for bad but I'm yo' match.

I said you may be slick but you kin stand another greasing. Now sir! I ain't skeered uh n.o.body. I'll put de whole town under 'rrest.

MAYOR CLARKE I G.o.d, Lum, if you don't tell me whut you done wid dat turkey, you better! (draws back the gavel as if to hurl it at Lum) I'll lam you over de head wid dis mallet! Whut did you do wid dat gobbler turkey?