Handy Andy Volume Ii Part 38

"The frigate answered the riddle with her guns, sir, I promise you."

"What!" exclaimed Moriarty, "fire on the fort of her own king?"

"There is an honest principle exists among sailors, sir, to return fire under all circ.u.mstances, wherever it comes from, friend or foe. Fire, of which they know the value so well, they won't take from anybody."

"And what was the consequence?" said Moriarty.

"Sir, it was the most harmless broadside ever delivered from the ports of a British frigate; not a single house or human being was injured--the day was so hot that every sentinel had sunk on the ground in utter exhaustion --the whole population were asleep; the only loss of life which occurred was that of a blue macaw, which belonged to the commandant's daughter."

"Where was the macaw, may I beg to know?" said Moriarty, cross-questioning the colonel in the spirit of a counsel for the defence on a capital indictment.

"In the drawing-room window, sir."

"Then surely the ball must have done some damage in the house?"

"Not the least, sir," said Loftus, sipping his wine.

"Surely, colonel!" returned Moriarty, warming, "the ball could not have killed the macaw without injuring the house?"

"My dear sir," said Tom, "I did not say the _ball_ killed the macaw, I said the macaw was killed; but _that_ was in consequence of a splinter from an _epaulement_ of the south-east angle of the fort which the shot struck and glanced off harmlessly--except for the casualty of the macaw."

Moriarty returned a kind of grunt, which implied that, though he could not further _question_, he did not _believe_. Under such circ.u.mstances, taking snuff is a great relief to a man; and, as it happened, Moriarty, in taking snuff, could gratify his nose and his vanity at the same time, for he sported a silver-gilt snuff-box which was presented to him in some extraordinary way, and bore a grand inscription.

On this "piece of plate" being produced, of course it went round the table, and Moriarty could scarcely conceal the satisfaction he felt as each person read the engraven testimonial of his worth. When it had gone the circuit of the board, Tom Loftus put his hand into his pocket and pulled out the b.u.t.t-end of a rifle, which is always furnished with a small box, cut out of the solid part of the wood and covered with a plate of bra.s.s acting on a hinge. This box, intended to carry small implements for the use of the rifleman, to keep his piece in order, was filled with snuff, and Tom said, as he laid it down on the table, "This is _my_ snuff-box, gentlemen; not as handsome as my gallant friend's at the opposite side of the table, but extremely interesting to me. It was previous to one of our das.h.i.+ng affairs in Spain that our riflemen were thrown out in front and on the flanks. The rifles were supported by the light companies of the regiments in advance, and it was in the latter duty I was engaged. We had to feel our way through a wood, and had cleared it of the enemy, when, as we debouched from the wood on the opposite side, we were charged by an overwhelming force of Polish lancers and cuira.s.siers.

Retreat was impossible--resistance almost hopeless. 'My lads,' said I, 'we must do something _novel_ here, or we are lost--startle them by fresh practice--the bayonet will no longer avail you--club your muskets, and hit the horses over the noses, and they'll smell danger.' They took my advice; of course we first delivered a withering volley, and then to it we went in flail-fas.h.i.+on, thras.h.i.+ng away with the b.u.t.t-ends of our muskets; and sure enough the French were astonished and driven back in amazement. So tremendous, sir, was the hitting on our side, that in many instances the b.u.t.t-ends of the muskets snapped off like tobacco-pipes, and the field was quite strewn with them after the affair: I picked one of them up as a little memento of the day, and have used it ever since as a snuff-box."

Every one was amused by the outrageous romancing of the colonel but Moriarty, who looked rather disgusted, because he could not edge in a word of his own at all; he gave up the thing now in despair, for the colonel had it all his own way, like the bull in a china-shop; the more startling the bouncers he told, the more successful were his anecdotes, and he kept pouring them out with the most astounding rapidity; and though all voted him the greatest liar they ever met, none suspected he was not a military man.

d.i.c.k wanted Edward O'Connor, who sat beside him, to sing; but Edward whispered, "For Heaven's sake don't stop the flow of the lava from that mighty eruption of lies!--he's a perfect Vesuvius of mendacity. You'll never meet his like again, so make the most of him while you have him.

Pray, sir," said Edward to the colonel, "have you ever been in any of the cold climates? I am induced to ask you, from the very wonderful anecdotes you have told of the hot ones."

"Bless you, sir, I know every corner about the north pole."

"In which of the expeditions, may I ask, were you engaged?" inquired Moriarty.

"In none of them, sir. We knocked up a _little amateur party_, I and a few curious friends, and certainly we witnessed wonders. You talk here of a sharp wind; but the wind is so sharp there that it cut off our beard and whiskers. Boreas is a great barber, sir, with his north pole for a sign. Then as for frost!--I could tell you such incredible things of its intensity; our b.u.t.ter, for instance, was as hard as a rock; we were obliged to knock it off with a chisel and hammer, like a mason at a piece of granite, and it was necessary to be careful of your eyes at breakfast, the splinters used to fly about so; indeed, one of the party _did_ lose the use of his eye from a b.u.t.ter-splinter. But the oddest thing of all was to watch two men talking to each other: you could observe the words, as they came out of their mouths, suddenly frozen and dropping down in little pellets of ice at their feet, so that, after a long conversation, you might see a man standing up to his knees in his own eloquence."

They all roared with laughter at this last touch of the marvellous, but Loftus preserved his gravity.

"I don't wonder, gentlemen, at your not receiving that as truth--I told you it was incredible--in short, that is the reason I have resisted all temptations to publish. Murray, Longmans, Colburn, Bentley, ALL the publishers have offered me unlimited terms, but I have always refused--not that I am a rich man, which makes the temptation of the thousands I might realise the harder to withstand; 't is not that the gold is not precious to me, but there is something dearer to me than gold--_it is my character for veracity!_ and therefore, as I am convinced the public would not believe the wonders I have witnessed, I confine the recital of my adventures to the social circle. But what profession affords such scope for varied incident as that of the soldier? Change of clime, danger, vicissitude, love, war, privation one day, profusion the next, darkling dangers, and sparkling joys! Zounds! there's nothing like the life of a soldier! and, by the powers! I'll give you a song in its praise."

The proposition was received with cheers, and Tom rattled away these ringing rhymes--

THE BOWLD SOJER BOY

"Oh there's not a trade that's going Worth showing, Or knowing, Like that from glory growing, For a bowld sojer boy; Where right or left we go, Sure you know, Friend or foe Will have the hand or toe From a bowld sojer boy!

There's not a town we march thro', But the ladies, looking arch thro'

The window-panes, will search thro'

The ranks to find their joy; While up the street, Each girl you meet, Will look so sly, Will cry 'My eye!

Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy!'

II

"But when we get the route, How they pout And they shout While to the right about Goes the bowld sojer boy.

Oh, 'tis then that ladies fair In despair Tear their hair, But 'the divil-a-one I care,'

Says the bowld sojer boy.

For the world is all before us, Where the landladies adore us, And ne'er refuse to score us, But chalk us up with joy; We taste her tap, We tear her cap'-- 'Oh, that's the chap For me!'

Says she; 'Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy.'

III

"'Then come along with me, Gramachree, And you'll see How happy you will be With your bowld sojer boy; 'Faith! if you're up to fun, With me run; 'T will be done In the snapping of a gun,'

Says the bowld sojer boy; 'And 't is then that, without scandal, Myself will proudly dandle The little farthing candle Of our mutual flame, my joy!

May his light s.h.i.+ne As bright as mine, Till in the line He'll blaze, And raise The glory of his corps, like a bowld sojer boy!'"

Andy entered the room while the song was in progress, and handed a letter to d.i.c.k, which, after the song was over, and he had asked pardon of his guests, he opened.

"By Jove! you sing right well, colonel," said one of the party.

"I think the gallant colonel's songs nothing in comparison with his _wonderful_ stories," said Moriarty.

"Gentlemen," said d.i.c.k, "wonderful as the colonel's recitals have been, this letter conveys a piece of information more surprising than anything we have heard this day. That stupid fellow who spoiled our champagne has come in for the inheritance of a large property."

"What!--Handy Andy?" exclaimed those who knew his name.

"Handy Andy," said d.i.c.k, "is now a man of fortune!"

CHAPTER XLVIII

It was a note from Squire Egan which conveyed the news to d.i.c.k that caused so much surprise; the details of the case were not even hinted at; the bare fact alone was mentioned, with a caution to preserve it still a secret from Andy, and appointing an hour for dinner at "Morrison's" next day, at which hotel the Squire expected to arrive from the country, with his lady and f.a.n.n.y Dawson, _en route_ for London. Till dinner-time, then, the day following, d.i.c.k was obliged to lay by his impatience as to the "why and wherefore" of Andy's sudden advancement; but, as the morning was to be occupied with Tom Durfy's wedding, d.i.c.k had enough to keep him engaged in the meantime.

At the appointed hour a few of Tom's particular friends were in attendance to witness the ceremony, or, to use their own phrase, "to see him turned off," and among them was Tom Loftus. d.i.c.k was holding out his hand to "the colonel," when Tom Durfy stepped between, and introduced him under his real name. The masquerading trick of the night before was laughed at, with an a.s.surance from d.i.c.k that it only fulfilled all he had ever heard of the Protean powers of a gentleman whom he so much wished to know. A few minutes' conversation in the recess of a window put Tom Loftus and d.i.c.k the Devil on perfectly good terms, and Loftus proposed to d.i.c.k that they should execute the old-established trick on a bridegroom, of s.n.a.t.c.hing the first kiss from the bride.

"You must get in Tom's way," said Loftus, "and I'll kiss her."

"Why, the fact is," said d.i.c.k, "I had proposed that pleasure to myself; and, if it's all the same to you, _you_ can jostle Tom, and _I'll_ do the remainder in good style, I promise you."

"That I can't agree to," said Loftus; "but as it appears we both have set our heart on cheating the bridegroom, let us both start fair, and 't is odd if between us Tom Durfy is not _done_"

This was agreed upon, and many minutes did not elapse till the bride made her appearance, and "hostilities were about to commence." The mutual enemy of the "high contracting parties" first opened his book, and then his mouth, and in such solemn tones, that it was enough to frighten _even_ a widow, much less a bachelor. As the ceremony verged to a conclusion, Tom Loftus and d.i.c.k the Devil edged up towards their 'vantage-ground on either side of the blooming widow, now nearly finished into a wife, and stood like greyhounds in the slip, ready to start after puss (only puss ought to be spelt here with a B). The widow, having been married before, was less nervous than Durfy, and, suspecting the intended game, determined to foil both the brigands, who intended to rob the bridegroom of his right; so, when the last word of the ceremony was spoken, and Loftus and d.i.c.k made a simultaneous dart upon her, she very adroitly ducked, and allowed the two "ruggers and rievers" to rush into each other's arms, and rub their noses together, while Tom Durfy and his blooming bride sealed their contract very agreeably without their noses getting in each other's way.

Loftus and d.i.c.k had only a laugh at _their own_ expense, instead of a kiss at _Tom's_, upon the failure of their plot; but Loftus, in a whisper to d.i.c.k, vowed he would execute a trick upon the "pair of them"

before the day was over.