Close to Home Part 10

She looked up and was instantly caught in the intensity of Marcus's shadowed eyes. "I knew someone like your Miss Patty, once. Someone who should have taken better care of herself. Someone I wish I'd done a better job of caring for."

His voice sounded like sand being ground down to gla.s.s. Tessa bit her lip in sympathy. "I try to take care of Patty, but she's stubborn. There are things she won't let me do for her."

A brief smile creased his face, sharp and commiserating. "I know how that goes. But there's something she will let you do, a way you can help her right now, if you want."

Tessa paused in the act of handing over his bag of breakfast rolls. She glanced up at him questioningly, her heart beating a rough, rapid rhythm.

Staring into her eyes, Marcus Beckett took the bag from her hand and said, "I'd like to help you."

Chapter 12.

Johnny cast a sidelong glance at Tessa. For the hundredth time that morning, he wondered what she was thinking about.

He'd worried that she might ditch their next appointment with Dr. Voss after their conversation the day before. Johnny refused to call it a fight-it was a difference of opinion. That was all. And he wasn't angry about it. Tessa didn't have all the facts. She didn't understand that protecting the innocent was the way Johnny balanced out the darkness in his soul.

She didn't understand that Johnny knew in his bones that Marcus Beckett had the capacity for violence and destruction because Johnny had it, too. Like recognized like.

Tessa didn't understand, but he should've known she wouldn't quit on him. Of course she'd showed up to their appointment and they'd gotten through today's exercise of coaxing an indifferent Clover through an obstacle course of poles on the ground and barrels to walk through.

Now they were winding down the session by grooming Clover together, although so far Tessa was doing most of the work. Johnny watched the flick of her delicate hands over Clover's dappled gray haunches, the puff of dust as she dragged an oval currycomb through the short hairs.

Her attention wasn't on the grooming, though. Johnny would bet his life on it. There was something on Tessa's mind, something she hadn't shared with him.

Well, that was fair enough. A muscle jumped in Johnny's jaw and he clenched down hard to quiet it. There was plenty he hadn't shared with Tessa, after all.

Maybe it was time that changed. Tessa didn't understand-and it was hurting her. He didn't know if he could change who he was at this point in his life-not even to make Tessa happy. But maybe if she knew where that part of him came from, she would start to see why Johnny did what he did.

The idea of opening up the secret box where he kept those memories made Johnny feel like razor blades were burrowing under his skin. But Tessa deserved to know the truth.

Even if it meant that she'd never look at him with her heart soft and sweet in her eyes again. Even if it meant she backed away from him and demanded he go through with the divorce. The longer he spent on this island with his newly confident and happy wife, the more Johnny realized he couldn't hope to keep her confident and happy in their marriage without giving her more than he'd given in the past.

Without giving her more than he'd given of his past.

"So, listen-"

"I was thinking-"

Johnny stopped, gesturing for Tessa to go ahead. He couldn't deny a spasm of relief at getting to delay this conversation even for a few minutes.

"Sorry." Tessa bit her lip, sending a shot of l.u.s.t to Johnny's extremities. He tamped it down and focused on what she was hesitantly saying.

"I have this opportunity. It's not something I went looking for, and I'm not a hundred percent sure I should take it, but it's not just about me."

She twined her fingers into a knot, twisting and untwisting restlessly. Concerned, Johnny reached across Clover's back to cover her nervous hands with his. "Hey, honey. Whatever it is, you can tell me. We'll work it out."

Her lips trembled into a smile. "Have I ever told you how much I love it when you call me that?"

"What? Honey?"

The fingers trapped in Johnny's grasp twitched. Tessa glanced aside, as if she felt shy. "Yeah. It used to make me feel so ... married."

The weight of his regrets was suffocating. "Because most of the time, you didn't feel married. Not for real."

That got Tessa to look at him. "I'm not complaining. I know you didn't marry me for love, and to be honest, when we were first married I wasn't at all ready for anything more than the companions.h.i.+p and support you offered. But after a while, I started to want more."

Physical awareness flickered to life between them. Johnny felt the heavy beat of his blood, the sudden tightness in his jeans. Turning her hand under his, he stroked his thumb over the thin, tender skin at the inside of her wrist where her pulse fluttered. She filled his mind, his entire consciousness. There was nothing but Tessa.

"You want more, honey? All you have to do is ask."

She s.h.i.+vered, her eyes darkening as desire blew her pupils wide. Lips parting, Tessa stretched up on her toes over the horse's back and Johnny didn't care about the thousand-pound animal between them-he had to get his mouth on her, right now.

Spearing his hands into the short wisps of hair at the back of her neck, Johnny leaned in and kissed her.

The rest of the world fell away, leaving nothing behind but Tessa's sugar-sweet mouth, the high, surprised noises she made in the back of her throat, the clutch of her fingers in the collar of his jacket as she pulled him closer.

He hadn't kissed her since that first day. He hadn't wanted to push her, or to make her think all he was interested in was s.e.x.

That was a mistake. He should have been kissing her every day. Every minute.

Clover took a step forward, jolting them out of their embrace. The horse looked curiously over his shoulder as Tessa started to laugh. It was the laugh Johnny had seen for the first time through the bakery window, full throated and joyous, with Tessa's head thrown back in abandon.

Overcome with the need to seize this moment, Johnny grabbed the currycomb and threw it in the bucket before rounding the horse to snag his wife by the hand. Tessa looked up at him, breath coming in fast pants and eyes glazed, pliantly following where he led. It was all Johnny could do not to take her down to the sawdust-covered floor and hope Clover was smart enough not to step on them.

No. Tessa was untouched. She'd been waiting for this for a long time-and her first time wasn't going to be a literal roll in the hay. But that didn't mean either of them could stand to wait until they found a bed.

He reached for enough patience to get out of the stall and latch the door behind them. Dumping the bucket of grooming tools by the stall door, Johnny tugged Tessa by the wrist down the barn corridor to an empty stall he'd noticed earlier. It was unoccupied, completely clear of hay except for a few pieces strewn here and there, and Johnny backed Tessa into it for a little privacy. She went willingly enough, although he could see her brain starting to come back online, awareness of what they were doing starting to show in her eyes.

If he were a good man, he'd back off and let the s.e.xual tension clear from the air between them. Tessa, who'd had so few choices in her life, deserved to make a real choice about this, one not clouded by overwhelming sensations. Johnny was at least a good enough man to vow not to take her here and now. He was relieved to find that he still had limits.

But that didn't mean he could stop himself from providing Tessa with a d.a.m.n good argument for why she should choose him.

Why she should choose them.

One smooth step forward had Tessa pressed up against the rough wood of the wall, his hand coming up to cup the back of her head and keep her from hurting herself. He never wanted her to feel a moment's pain, not if he could help it.

A soft smile pulled at her mouth. She turned her head far enough to nuzzle his arm, her gaze steady on his even as her cheeks flushed deep pink. She was irresistible. Johnny dipped his head, sipping kisses from her lips, small and sweet and playful to make her sigh. Her neck stretched, so vulnerably naked without the covering of her long, brown hair. The fingers of his free hand had to pet down the pale, slender length of it.

Tessa sighed into his lips, a breath with a hint of moan underneath-enough to vibrate through her throat against the sensitive tips of his fingers and reverberate through Johnny's own chest. Hunger throbbed and ached between his legs, heavily undeniable, but he ignored it for the moment. This was about Tessa. Tessa's pleasure, Tessa's awakening, Tessa's beautiful, beloved, familiar-but-new body.

With a last swipe of his tongue across her plush lower lip, Johnny dragged his mouth from hers to nip his way down her throat to the juncture of her shoulder. He paused there to suckle at the soft skin, pulling up a mark that sent a heated pulse of possession through him. Satisfaction rumbled in his chest as he trailed his hand from her neck to follow the path of his mouth lower, and then lower still. She shuddered when he reached the full roundness of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

Hungry for more but unwilling to expose her in this semipublic place, Johnny's fingers shaped her through her thin sweater. He loved the way she s.h.i.+vered and peaked up, tightening into a bud he could feel ... and needed to taste.

Johnny contented himself with wetting the fabric over the hard tip of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, rubbing the knit weave of her sweater over the sensitive skin before enclosing her in warmth and pulling strongly enough to make her moan. High-pitched and shocked, the sounds Tessa let loose made Johnny groan with the need to restrain himself.

He knelt on the hard-packed dirt floor in front of her, forehead pressed to her softly rounded belly as he panted and worked to get control of the pa.s.sion that wanted to run away with them both.

"Don't stop," she begged in a heated whisper he felt in every fiber of his body.

Johnny tilted his head up to meet her stare. Red-cheeked and wide-eyed, Tessa stared down at him. She looked nervous, excited, turned on-but she didn't look as if she were too overwhelmed to make a real choice. Her eyes were clear.

He still didn't want her first time to be in a barn. She deserved better than that. But there were many firsts for Tessa to enjoy, and Johnny could give her one right here.

Keeping his gaze on hers, hot and direct, Johnny licked his lips and reached for the b.u.t.ton on her khaki pants.

Tessa couldn't believe this was happening. It felt like a dream, one of the many dreams that had kept her company in her lonely bed down the hall from Johnny. But when his long, strong fingers delved into her open pants to lay that first, s.h.i.+very-good stroke over the tenderest part of her, Tessa knew she wasn't dreaming.

No dream could ever feel this good.

She moaned, the noise sounding loud in the quiet barn. Johnny's eyes flicked up to her and he whispered a breathy "Shhh," as he peeled her pants down her hips.

Tessa brought a hand up to cover her own mouth. It was the only way to keep quiet when even the air brus.h.i.+ng against her underwear felt like too much stimulation. This was really happening. Johnny wanted to-and she was letting him- Letting him. The thought broke through Tessa's brain like a hysterical giggle. She would let Johnny do anything he wanted with her. That had always been true, from the very first moment she met him. The surreal part was that he finally wanted to.

Part of her, the sensible part, whispered that there were plenty of potential reasons for Johnny's sudden interest. Reasons that made a lot more sense than that after years of living together, she'd become attractive to him basically overnight.

But the larger part of Tessa didn't care what the reasons were. This might be her only chance to experience making love with the man she loved.

Her body ached, empty and unfulfilled. Her skin was too tight, responsive to the lightest brush of Johnny's hands. His lips.

Oh, G.o.d, his tongue.

Dimly, Tessa realized she was whimpering and straining to spread her thighs wider for him. But her pants and underwear were tangled at her knees, restricting her movement in a way that shouldn't have been s.e.xy, but was. The grip of Johnny's warm hands on her hips didn't hurt, either.

Johnny made an incoherent sound in his chest, the hum of it devastating against Tessa's wet, burning core. Every slow, thorough swipe of his tongue soothed her craving ... and stoked the fire even higher.

One hand left Tessa's hip, leaving her off balance enough to scrabble at the wall behind her. Without ceasing his insatiable devouring, Johnny's hand worked its way between her taut, quivering thighs to find the place where much of Tessa's longing was centered.

The pleasure screwed tighter and tighter, coiling irresistibly at the base of her spine. His fingers were gentle but sure as they explored her folds, his gaze hot on her face and studying her helpless reactions.

Tessa's cheeks burned. She was shocked by her own utter abandon, but what Johnny was doing to her felt too good. She couldn't pretend to be indifferent, not with her thigh muscles jumping, her belly clenching, and Johnny rub, rub, rubbing insistently against the part of her that was starving for his touch.

It broke over her in a spangled burst of light, aftershocks. .h.i.tting her like tiny explosions and forcing the air from her lungs. Her legs wobbled and only Johnny's steady grasp kept her upright.

She was still shuddering and squirming through the aftermath when Johnny shot to his feet and buried his face in the side of her neck. He smelled like a hot day at the beach, salty and musky. Tessa reached up with both hands to hold him to her as he shook and m.u.f.fled curses against her skin.

The moment pierced Tessa with tenderness. The man in her arms had given her pleasure beyond her wildest dreams, but he'd taken none for himself. His arms were like iron bars, straight and corded with muscle where they barricaded her against the wall. Johnny held his lower body carefully away from her, but his breath was warm and steady against her neck.

She'd never felt closer to him.

"I didn't know," Tessa whispered, heart swollen and hurting. "I didn't know it would be like that. That it would make me feel like this."

His lips brushed the side of her throat in a brief kiss. "I'm sorry it took me this long to show you."

Tessa's head hit the wall with a muted thump and Johnny looked up to meet her gaze. His eyes were still dark with unsatisfied l.u.s.t, but his mouth was curved in a small smile. He looked happy. Maybe happier than she'd ever seen him.

Which made this all the harder, but she had to do it. Letting it go on wasn't fair, to either of them.

"No," she said gently. "Not the ... pleasure, although it was wonderful. I mean, I didn't know that making love would tie my heart to yours this way. Everywhere you look these days, people seem to be having s.e.x with no emotional repercussions, just two consenting adults doing what comes naturally. I thought I could be like that. Maybe I could, with someone else. But not with you."

Hope ignited in his gaze. His hands left the wall to cradle her jaw, so gently that Tessa wanted to cry. "You still love me."

She held back the tears because she couldn't afford to be misunderstood. Not about this.

"Of course I still love you," she said, throat tight and painful. "That's why we can't do this again."

"You're not making any sense." Johnny shook his head, petting lightly at her hair and rubbing circles into her jaw with his thumbs. "What we have together is good. You don't even know how good-you have nothing to compare it to. But it's not always like this. We're lucky."

Tessa's eyes burned. "Maybe we could have been, once. But we missed our chance, Johnny."

"No, Tessa, come on."

She cut off his alarmed denials before they could weaken her. "I'm sorry. I should've had the guts to tell you this before, but I promised to take the therapy seriously, and if I'm honest, I loved doing those exercises with you, finding out more about you ... but it's no use. I have a chance here on Sanctuary Island, a chance to be my own woman, and I have to take it."

"I want that for you," he argued. "I'm not expecting things to go back to the way they were before I left for my undercover a.s.signment."

"I know," she a.s.sured him. "And that means so much to me. You don't even know. But G.o.d, Johnny ... don't you see that it would be the same? No matter how much we both want to change, the essentials haven't changed at all. Maybe now you want to sleep with me, which is great, but I love you."

The words hurt as they choked their way out of her. The look on Johnny's face hurt worse, the way his eyes went bleak, but she had to finish. "I love you. And you ... you're fond of me. You care about me, but you aren't in love with me. I can't live like that. And thanks to Patty and my friends here on Sanctuary Island, I don't have to."

Tessa held her breath, searching Johnny's desolate expression for a hint of answering emotion, something that would prove her wrong about how he felt-but in the next instant, he straightened and stepped away from her. Chill air rushed in, raising goose b.u.mps everywhere Johnny had been touching her, but it was her heart that felt frozen.

"You've decided," Johnny said flatly. "You're staying here."

It felt wrong, everything about this felt wrong, as if Tessa were driving down a busy highway in reverse, full throttle. Heading for a crash. But she forced her voice steady. "Patty needs to sell the bakery, and she wants me to buy it. I'm taking a loan and I'm doing it."

Johnny stilled, his muscles going loose and ready like a predator's. "Taking a loan," he repeated quietly. "Not taking out a loan, like from a bank. So this would be a personal loan, then."

Swallowing hard enough to make her throat click, Tessa nodded. "Marcus Beckett offered me the money. And I'm taking it, Johnny."

Chapter 13.

The trees along the winding country lane showed the brilliant green of new leaves tipping their sheltering branches. Redbuds and forsythia splashed dots of pink and yellow among the green. Spring was beautiful on Sanctuary Island as the midday sun began to warm the sand and salt marshes.

But inside Johnny's rented sedan, the atmosphere was as cold and barren as the depths of winter.